The Black Adder II

Being a true and japesome history of Englande

The dastardly Blackadder mires through the mud of 16th century England, embarking on sordid and silly adventures in the court of Mad Queen Bess.
England 1558-1603. The nasty genes of the Blackadder dynasty bubble back to the surface of history as Lord Edmund swaggers around town with a big head and a small beard in search of grace and favor from the stark, raving mad Queen Bess. Accompanied by a small rabble of riff-raff, the blackhearted Baldrick and the pea-brained Percy, the dastardly Lord Blackadder tarnishes the reputation of England's Golden Age.

Episodes:
1 2 3 4 5 6

Part II Episode 1: Bells


Served by a dumbbell in a dress and accompanied by a birdbrained dimwit, Edmund, the great, great grandson of the repulsive original is reasonably normal--until he meets Bob.


The characters.

---------------



E:   Edmund Blackadder

B:   Baldrick

S:   Percy Bysshe Shelley

K:   Kate

b:   Bob (alias Kate)

N:   Nursie

F:   Father of Kate

M:   Melchett

Q:   Queen Elizabeth I

W:   Wisewoman

F:   Lord Flashheart

D:   Doctor Leech

C:   Young crone





In the house of Kate and her father.



K:   Father, I must speak. I can be silent no longer. All day long you

     muttered to yourself, gibbered, dribbled, moaned and bat your head

     against the wall, yelling "I want to die". Now you may say I'm

     leaping to conclusions but you're not *completely* happy, are you?

     It's mother, isn't it?

F:   No, it is not.

K:   You're brooding over her death, aren't you?

F:   Kate, for the final time, your mother is not dead. She's run off

     with your uncle Henry.

K:   Dear father, I know you only say such things to comfort me.

F:   Your mother is alive and well and living in Droitwich. It is not her

     I brood over. I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty has now

     reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep us. I must

     look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage.

K:   But father, surely...

F:   Yes Kate, I want you to become a prostitute.

K:   Father!

F:   Do you defy me?

K:   But indeed, I do. For it is better to die poor than to live in shame

     and ignominy.

F:   No, it isn't.

K:   I'm young and strong and clever. My nose is pretty. I shall find

     another way to earn us a living.

F:   Oh, please... go on the game. It is a steady job and you'd be

     working from home.

K:   Goodbye father. I shall go to London, disguise my self as a boy and

     seek my fortune!

F:   But why go all the way to London when you can make a  fortune lying

     on your back?



In the house of Edmund Blackadder.

[Baldrick holds a dartboard over his head, while Edmund practises the bow]

B:   Ah, very good shot, my lord.

E:   Thank you, Baldrick.

[Percy walks in]

S:   Sorry I'm late.

E:   No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive.

S:   Oh good, I see the target is ready. [Picks up the bow]

     I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me.

E:   Well, go to Spain. There're millions of them.

S:   I'll advise them to stay there then. Keep their hands off our women.

E:   Oh God, who is she this time?

S:   I don't know what you mean. Aah, ouch, aah.

[Edmund succeeds in pilfering a letter from Percy]

E:   Aah, and who is Jane?

S:   I'm sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know.

     Ooh, ouch... Jane Herrington.  We're very much in love, my lord.

E:   This is *the* Jane Herrington?

S:   Yes.

E:   Jane - burry-me-in-a-wide-shaped-coffin - Herrington.

S:   I.., I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons.   

E:   No... Tall, blond, elegant?

S:   Right, that's right.

E:   Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town?

     Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her.

... [Percy aims]

E:   I did.

... [Percy aims again]

E:   So did Baldrick actually. [Percy's shot ends up way too low]

S:   Damned!

E:   You see, she's got this thing about beards apparently.

S:   Well, in that case I'm going to shave!

[Percy leaves]

E:   Bad luck, Boulders.

B:   Not to worry my lord, the arrow didn't in fact enter my body.

E:   Oh good.

E:   No, by a thousand to one chance my willy got in the way.

E:   Extraordinary.

B:   And I only just put it there. But now, I will leave it there

     forever.

E:   That so Baldrick? It can be your lucky willy.     

B:   Yes, my lord. Years from now I'll show it to my grandchildren.

E:   No Baldrick, I think that grandchildren may now be out of the

     question.

     Poor old Pee Brain, eh? Ha! Never catch me falling in love, that's

     for damned sure as mustard[?]. 

[Knock on the door]

E:   Come in.

[Kate enters, dressed in boys clothes]

b:   Good day to you, Lord Blackadder!

E:   Ah, good day to you... boy?!. What is it brings you here?

b:   I'm an honest hard working lad, but poor and I must support my

     father who is stark raving mad. Therefore I come to London to seek a

     servants wage.

E:   Yes, indeed. Unfortunately I already have a servant.

b:   The word is that your servant is the worst servant in London.

E:   Hmm, that's true. Baldrick you're fired. Be out of the house in ten

     minutes. Well young man you've got your self a job. What do they

     call you?

b:   Kate.

E:   Isn't that a bit of a girls name?

b:   Oh..it's..euh... short for... Bob!

E:   Bob?!

b:   Yes.

E:   Well, Bob, welcome on board.

     Sorry Baldrick, any reason why you are still here?

B:   Euh .. I've got nowhere to go, my lord.

E:   O surely you will be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal

     parks.

B:   I've been in your service since I was two and a halve, my lord.

E:   Well that is the why I am so utterly sick of the sight of you.

B:   Couldn't I just stay here and do the same job but for no wages?

E:   Well, you know where you will have to live.

B:   In the gutter.

B:   Yes.

E:   And you'll have to work a bit harder too.

B:   Of course, my lord.

E:   All right. Go and get Bob's stuff in and chuck your filthy muck out

     into the street.

B:   God bless you, sweet master.

[Baldrick leaves, Percy enters again, without beard]

E:   Oh Bob, this is Percy, a dimwit I don't seem to be able to shake

     off.

S:   Ah, hello there Bob, you young roister-doister, you. Ah, you look a

     likely sort of lad for tricks and sports and all sorts of jolly,

     rosy cheap capering, eh. Of course you do, and more besides, I

     warrant thee, young scamp.

b:   Thank you so much for letting me stay Lord Blackadder.

E:   Oh not at all Bob. I'm looking forward to having you... Euh, having

     another man about the house instead of that animal Baldrick. Excuse

     me, I must go into the lavatory.

b:   [to the camera] How little he knows and how much I would have him

     know.

S:   I say Bob, I think this calls for a celebration. How about a game of

     cup and ball and a slab of tea at Mrs. Miggins pie shop?

b:   Get lost, creep!

S:   Euh, euh, I like you young Bob. You've got balls.





In the court of Queen Elizabeth.



Q:   Nice try Melchy, but it is no use. I'm still bored!

M:   I'm very sorry madam. Your royal father used to be very amused by my

     impersonation of Columbus.

Q:   You don't surprise me. He used to laugh at these people with the

     funny faces and the bells.

M:   Ah, jesters ma'm.

Q:   No, lepers. Where is Edmund these days?

M:   Ah well, the whisper on the underground grapevine, ma'm, is that

     Lord Blackadder is spending all his time with a young boy in his

     service.

Q:   Oh. Do you think he would spend more time with me if I was a boy?

M:   Surely not madam.

N:   You almost were a boy, my little cherrypit.

Q:   What?

N:   Yeah. Out you popped, out of your mummies pumpkin and everybody

     shouting : "It's a boy, it's a boy!". And somebody said "but it

     hasn't got a winkle!". And then I said "A boy without a winkle? God

     be praised, it is a miracle. A boy without a winkle!" And then Sir

     Thomas More pointed out that a boy without a winkle is a girl.

     Anyway, I was really disappointed.

M:   Oh yes, well you see, he was a very perceptive man, Sir Thomas More.

Q:   Oh, what *has* happened about Edmund? There is something very odd

     about someone who spends all his time with a servant.



[Romantic interlude with Edmund and Bob walking in the countryside to the

tunes of "Greensleeves", "The Rain it Raineth Every Day", "Hey Nonny, I

Love You", "My Love is a Prick (On a Tudor Rose)", "Hot Sex Madrigal in the

Middle of my Tights" and "Many, many more..."] 



E:   Well Bob. We're a couple of fine lads together, aren't we? Let's get

     retted and talk about girls eh? Yes we could sink to really dirty

     songs and... oh God, I find you curiously pleasant company, young

     Bob.

b:   I'm honoured and for my part want nothing more than to be with

     you... old man.

E:   Well absolutely. I mean there is nothing more healthy and normal

     than having a good chum.

b:   What think you my lord of love?

E:   You mean rumpy pumpy?

b:   What would you say my lord if I were to say "I love you".

E:   Eum, well of course it depends entirely on whom you said it to. If

     you said it to a horse I would presume you were sick, if you said it

     to Baldrick I would presume you were blind and if you said it to me,

     well...

b:   Yes, my lord?

E:   Well, well I'd naturally assume we were having a big lads joke about

     back-tickle as the way we healthy fellows often do and I'd probably

     grab you for a friendly wrestle and then we'd probably slap each

     others sides like jolly good chums and laugh at what it would be

     like if we really did fancy each other.

b:   In that case my lord... I love you!

[Bob and Edmund engage in friendly wrestling, just when the mood changes,

Baldrick enters the room]

B:   Don't worry Bob. He used to try and kill me too.

E:   Why didn't you go Baldrick? Mighty glad to see you[?] What do you

     want?

B:   Bah, I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof sir? Earlier the

     towns bailiff says that if I lie in the gutter I will be flushed

     into the Thames with all the other turds.

E:   Yes, certainly Baldrick. Help your self. I was just off to bed

     anyway. Euh.. good night Baldrick. Good night Bob.

b:   Good night my lord.

E:   Yes. Oh God...





At the doctors.



D:   Now then what seems to be the trouble?

E:   Well, it is my man servant.

D:   I see. Well don't be embarrassed if you got the pocks. Just pop your

     man servant on the table and we'll take a look at him.

E:   No, I mean, it is my real man servant.

D:   Ah, ah. And what is wrong with him?

E:   There is nothing wrong with him. That is the problem. He's perfect

     and last night I almost kissed him.

D:   I see. So you started fancying boys then, have you?

E:   Not boys. A boy.

D:   Yes, well let's not split hairs. It is all rather disgusting and

     naturally you're worried.

E:   Of course I'm worried.

D:   Well, of course you are. It isn't every day a man wakes up to

     discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on Gods

     clean earth than a weazle. Ashamed of your self?

E:   Not really, no.

D:   Bloody hell! I would be. But still why should I complain? Just

     leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?

E:   Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?

D:   No, it's all part of the service. I think you're in luck though. An

     extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this kind

     of sordid problem.

E:   It wouldn't have anything to do with leeches, would it?

D:   I had no idea you were a medical man.

E:   Never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A

     leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.

D:   They're marvellous, aren't they?

E:   Well, the bottom one wasn't. I just sat there and squashed it.

D:   You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?

E:   Yes. I know that. Dr. Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn't it?

D:   That's right, the great Hoffmann.

E:   Owner of the largest leech farm of Europe.

D:   Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man. As far

     as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I

     can strongly recommend a course of leeches. [in chorus]

E:   Yes. I 'll pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed.

D:   No, no, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the dark ages. Just

     pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly.

     In a couple of weeks you 'll be beating your servant with a stick,

     just like the rest of us.

E:   You're a sale[?] quack, aren't you?

D:   I'd rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day.





At the house of lord Blackadder.



B:   Anything to follow my lord? There is this lovely fat spider I found

     in the bath. I was saving it for my self but if you fancy it...

E:   Shut up Baldrick. I don't eat invertebrates for fun you know. This

     is doctors orders.

B:   Oh, I don't hold with this new fangle doctoring. Any  problems, I go

     to the Wise woman!

E:   Yes Baldrick. I am long past on trusting my self to some deranged

     druid who gives her professional address as 1, Dunghill Mansions,

     Putney.





In Putney.



E:   Tell me Young crone, is this Putney?

C:   That it be, that it be.

E:   "Yes it is". Not "that it be". You don't have to talk in that stupid

     voice to me. I'm not a tourist. I seek information about a

     Wisewoman.

C:   Ah, the Wisewoman.. the Wisewoman. 

E:   Yes, the Wisewoman.

C:   Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is

     ... a woman, and second, she is ...

E:   .. wise?

C:   You do know her then?

E:   No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll

     be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know

     where she lives?

C:   Of course.

E:   Where?

C:   Here. Do you have an appointment?

E:   No.

C:   Well, you can go in anyway.

E:   Thank you Young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not

     going to give to you.



W:   Hail Edmund, lord of Adders Black.

E:   Hello.

W:   Step no nearer, for already I see thy bloody purpose. Thou plot is,

     Blackadder: thou wouldst be king and drown Middlesex in a butt of

     wine. Ah, ah, ah, ah.

E:   No, no, no, no. it is far worse than that. I'm in love with my man

     servant.

W:   Oh well, I'd sleep with him if I were you.

E:   What?

W:   When I fancy people, I sleep with them. Oh, I have to drug them

     first of course! Being so old and watty.

E:   But what about my position, my social life?

W:   Very well then. Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning

     plans to cure thy ailment.

E:   Oh good.

W:   The first is simple. Kill Bob!

E:   Never.

W:   Then try the second. Kill your self!

E:   Neu. And the third?

W:   The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows.

E:   Ha, that sounds more like it. How?

W:   Kill everybody in the whole world. Ah, ha, ha ...





At the house of Lord Blackadder.



E:   Now look here Bob. I've got something very important to say to you

     and I want you to listen very carefully.

b:   Yes.

E:   Look Bob. I've decided that you are to leave my service.

b:   Oh no, my lord! My father will starve and I'll have to become a..

     male prostitute. And besides, I thought we were friends.

E:   Oh we are friends Bob. Of course, of course.. In fact that's the

     reason I want you to leave my service and become my live-in[?] chum.

b:   Oh my lord!

E:   Now. I want to make definitely clear that I am in no way interested

     in the contents of your tights.

b:   You might be, my lord, if you knew what I kept in them.

E:   Euh, ah.. I've learned of my self, well.. that I know what a

     gentleman keeps in his tights. Thank you very much.

b:   But my lord, I have a great secret.

E:   What?

b:   Prepare to be amazed. [Bob starts unbuttoning her blouse]

E:   Oh no. You haven't got one of these birthmarks shaped like a banana,

     have you?

b:   No.

E:   Or, or, or a tattoo saying "Get it here"?

b:   No.

E:   Oh God. You've got one of those belly buttons that sticks outward,

     haven't you?

b:   No my lord.

E:   Now what can it possibly be?

[Mysterious music on a flute] 

E:   Aah... good Lord!



[Two minutes later, Bob and Edmund chatting at the table]

E:   What was all that Bob's stuff about then?

b:   Because you would have just used me and cast me aside like you have

     so many women before.

E:   Would I?

b:   Yes. But now you have a chance to grow to love me for what I really

     am.

E:   Yes, that's true and now I want to marry you, Bob.

b:   Kate!

E:   Then come, kiss me Kate!





In the Court of Queen Elizabeth.



M:   I bring grave intelligence of your former favourite Lord Blackadder.

Q:   Oh good.

M:   It appears he wishes to marry a girl called Bob.

Q:   It is a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally

     called Elizabeth or Mary.

N:   And Donald...

Q:   Mouth is open Nursie, should be shut.

N:   Thing is true, sweet one. I had three sisters and they were called

     Donald, Eric and Basil.

Q:   Then why is your name Nursie?

N:   That ain't my real name.

Q:   Isn't it?

N:   No.

Q:   No, what is your real name then?

N:   Bernard.

Q:   Suites you, actually.

[Edmund enters the room]

E:   Your Majesty.

Q:   Oh, hello stranger.

E:   I seek your permission to wed.

Q:   So I hear. Melchie, what do you think of all this?

M:   Oh, but I must confess madam, that I'm astonished that Blackadder

     could possibly have eyes for any other woman than your self.

Q:   Good point. Though slightly grovely.

E:   Very well. When I fell in love I didn't know she was a woman. I

     thought she was a boy.

M:   But of course that makes it perfectly acceptable, doesn't it?

Q:   Oh all right, go on and marry her.

E:   Thank you, ma'm.

Q:   Just tell me one thing. Is her nose as pretty as mine?

E:   Oh, no, no.. ma'm.

Q:   Oh good, because otherwise I would have cut it off. And then you

     would have to marry someone without a nose and that wouldn't be very

     nice, would it?

E:   No ma'm.

Q:   Imagine the mess when she's got a cold! Yuck!

E:   Well, quite ma'm.

Q:   All right, off you go then.

[Edmund leaves]

Q:   Everyone seems to get married except me.

N:   And me, Ma'm.

Q:   Oh shut up, Bernard.





At Blackadders residence.



K:   You'll make a lovely bridesmaid Baldrick. Pity me that I have no

     actual girl chums because we were so poor in our house we couldn't

     afford friends.

E:   It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that

     your maid of honour should be a man.

B:   Thank you very much my lord.

E:   Well, I use the word man in an as broad as possible sense because we

     all know God made man in his own image. It would be a sad look out

     for christians around the globe if God looked any like you,

     Baldrick.

K:   Ignore old Mister Grumpy. There you are, Boulders. Hmm, you look

     sweet as a little pie.

E:   Kate, he looks like what he is: a dung ball in a dress.

[Percy enters]

S:   Oh Edmund... [sees the bridesmaid]

     Hello there... Edmund, you didn't tell me we were expecting guests.

     And such a pretty one too.

E:   Oh God...

S:   Now you're a little cuty to be hiding your self away all these

     years. Tell me gorgeous, what is your name?

E:   He's called Baldrick.

S:   Baldrick.. that's a pretty name. Edmund used to have a servant

     called Baldrick. But anyway, away with such small-talk. Lady.. a

     kiss!

b:   What?

S:   And so modest too. Come on you little tease. You know you want to.

     Give us a kiss.

b:   All right, if you say so. [kisses Percy heavily]

S:   Ohghw...he.. what an original perfume.

E:   That is our Baldrick. He's wearing a dress.

S:   Ourgh..

E:   Anyway, what do you want?

S:   Ourgh... well euh.. [deep voice] Edmund, there has been some

     discussion around the Court on the subject of who's going to be your

     best man and I thought it might be the moment to bring the subject

     to a conclusion.

E:   Ah yes, Percy. I would like you...

S:   Oh, I'm so proud!

E:   Please let me finish. I would like you to take this letter to Dover

     where is recently docked the galleon of my old school friend and

     adventurer Lord Flashheart. He shall be my best man.

S:   Lord Flash Heart. The best sword, the best shot, the best sailor and

     the best kisser in the kingdom.

E:   Even he. To Dover at once!

S:   Yes. Actually I was going to suggest Lord Flash Heart as the best

     man my self.

E:   Were you?

[S leaves, crying his eyes out]



In front of the church.



[Wedding bells]

K:   Edmund I cannot believe it is really happening.

E:   It is, my sweet.

K:   Before we go in I want you to meet my father.

E:   Oh fine!

E:   [to the old man standing near them] Excuse me, could you move along

     please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is

     some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of

     cabbage.

F:   I am your father in law.

E:   Oh no... All right, how much you want to clear off?

K:   Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative.

F:   Ten pounds should do the trick.

K:   Father!

E:   All right, there we go.

K:   Edmund, you mustn't!

E:   No, don't worry, I'll get Baldrick to beat him up after the

     ceremony. We'll get the money back. Come on, we're late.





In the court of Queen Elizabeth.



Q:   Ah Edmund. Could we get on do you think? I want to get to the

     reception so I can get squiffy and seduce someone.

E:   Yes.. oh.. unfortunately ma'm, my best man still has not arrived.

Q:   Well, get another one.

E:   Ma'm, there is no one else I can really think of.

S:   Euh.

E:   Sorry Percy?

S:   Nothing my lord, just clearing my throat.

E:   Don't. I don't want you coughing all the way through the ceremony.

Q:   Oh, come on Edmund. You must be able to think of another best man. 

E:   Well, I suppose I could ask Percy. Percy! 

S:   My lord! 

E:   Can you think of another best man?

S:   Well my lord. One name does spring to mind.

E:   Yes. But I can't ask Baldrick. He's a bridesmaid and besides, I need

     a friend, an equal, an old and trusty companion.

S:   I think there is one person in the room who fits the description.

E:   Of course... Nursie! How do you fancy putting on a pair of hose and

     being my best man?

Q:   Edmund, don't be so naughty. You know perfectly well whom Percy is

     referring to.

E:   All right, I'm sorry. Melchard! [squeak] All right! All right! As

     ashamed as I am and contradiction in terminus though it is, Percy,

     you can be the best man.

S:   Oh, my lord! Noble cause, oh what an honour. I brought along a ring,

     just...

E:   I really did think old Flash would have turned up.



[Lord Flashheart enters in spectacular fashion]

F:   It's me, Flash! Flash by name, Flash by nature. Hurrah!

E:   Where have you been?

F:   Where haven't I been! ..Waugh!!!.. But I'm here now.

F:   Who is that?

E:   I don't know, but he is in your place.

F:   Not for long. Hold that.

[Hands his sword to Baldrick, then throws Percy through the door]

F:   Thanks bridesmaid, like the beard. Gives me something to hang on to.

F:   So me old mate Eddie is getting hitched, hey? What's the matter?

     Can't stand the pace of the mmmm [grabs Edmund's tights].

     Hey queeny. You look sexy. Listen, wear your hair long, I prefer it

     that way.

Q:   [to the camera] I've got such a crush on him.

F:   Hey Melchie! Still worshipping God? Last thing I heard He started

     worshipping ME...

     Ah Nursie, I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did

     I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down boy, down. And now... where is

     this amazing bird? The one who stopped my old pall Eddie doing

     exactly whatever he wants, ten times a night.

E:   Ah yes Flash, let me introduce my... my fiancee Kate.

F:   Hi, baby! [Flash kisses the bride]

F:   She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a

     man's tonsils. You don't want to marry this jerk baby? Meet me on my

     horse in eight seconds. 

K:   But I can't run in this frock. You see, I found I actually preferred

     wearing boys clothes.

F:   Weird. I always feel more comfy in a dress. I got a plan and it's as

     hot as my pants.

E:   What a man Flash is, eh? Things will certainly liven around here,

     now he's back. Flash. Flash??

[Flash (in dress) and Kate (in boys clothes) on a horse, about to depart]

F:   So long, suckers! Next time you get bored with your lives just give

     me a call and I'll come round and kill you.

K:   Bye Edmund and thanks for everything. Hurrah!

[Flash leaves in the same style as he arrived]



M:   It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the

     bridesmaid. I presume you intend to honour this.

B:   I do.





[Song]



So Flash Heart tweaked the Adders beard,

from now he always shall be single.

To fall in love with boys is weird,

especially boys without a tingle.

Blackadder, Blackadder. His taste is rather odd.

Blackadder, Blackadder a randy little sod.

Lord Flash Heart, Lord Flash Heart, I wish you were the star.

Lord Flash Heart, Lord Flash Heart, you're sexier by far.



BBC MCMLXXXV  AD.

[The end]











Back to top of Part 2

Part II Episode 2: Head


Edmund, newly appointed Minister in charge of Religious Genocide and Lord High Executioner finds himself in a wee bit of trouble when he completely ruins Lord Farrow's weekend by chopping off his head.


The Characters

--------------

		BLACKADDER    =  BA

		MELCHETT      =  M

		QUEENY        =  Q

		BALDRICK      =  B

		NURSEY        =  N

		PERCY         =  P

		LADY FARROW   =  LF

		MR. PLOPPY    =  MRP

		MRS. PLOPPY   =  MRSP



SCENE 1  (Home of Edmund Blackadder)

-------

BA:     Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I

	have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?

B:      Some beans.

BA:     Yes...and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two

	more beans. What does that make?

B:      A very small casserole.

BA:     Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try

	again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?

B:      Three

BA:     What?

B:      And that one.

BA:     Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?

B:      Oh! Some beans.

BA:     Yes. To you Baldrick, the renaissance was just something that happened

	to other people wasn't it?

Enter P wearing an enormous rough.

P:      Edmund, Edmund, come quickly the queen wants to see you.

BA:     What-

P:      I said "Edmund, Edmund, come quickly the queen wants to see-"

BA:     Please let me finish. What, are you wearing round your neck?

P:      Ah! It's my new rough!

BA:     You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate!

P:      It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me

	look rather sexy!

BA:     To another plate swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't

	had it in months.

P:      I think you may be wrong.

BA:     You're a sad laughable figure aren't you Percy? What do you think of

	Percy's rough Baldrick?

B:      Four.

BA:     What?

B:      Some beans and some beans is four beans.

BA:     No, no. We've moved on from advanced mathematics, we're onto elementary

	dressmaking. What do you think of Percy's rough?

B:      I think he looks like a bird who's swallowed a plate my Lord.

BA:     No that's what I think, that's what I think! What do you think?

	Try to have a thought of your own, Baldrick, thinking is so

	important. What do you think?

B:      I think thinking is so important my Lord.

BA:     I give up! I'm off to see the queen.

P:      Oh shall I come too my Lord?

BA:     No, best not, people might think we're friends. You stay here with

	Baldrick.Bird neck and bird brain should get on like a house on fire!



SCENE 2 (The Royal Palace)

-------

M:      Grey, I suspect Majesty.

Q:      I think you'll find it was orange Lord Melchett.

M:      Grey is more usual mam.

Q:      Who's queen ?

M:      As you say Majesty, there were these magnificent orange

	elephants which were coming.....

BA:     My Lady (Queeny screams), you wish to see me.

Q:      Yes, Lord Melchett has bad news.

BA:     Lord Melchett is bad news.

Q:      (Laughs) No, be serious. Melchett!

M:      Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead.

BA:     Oh woe ! Murdered of course.

M:      No, oddly enough no. They usually are but this one just got

	careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted

	line. They came for him while he slept.

BA:     He should have told them they had the wrong man.

M:      Oh he did, but you see they didn't, they had the right man

	and they had the form to prove it.

BA:     Te. bloody red tape eh ? And the bad news ?

Q:      The bad news is that actually there are simply hundreds of

	catholics who desperately want their heads sneaked off and

	there's no-one to organise it.

BA:     Hm, well I pity the poor sod who gets the job.

	No-one ever survives it more than a week.

M:      Mhm. I have taken the liberty mam, of drawing up a list of suitable

	candidates.

Q:      Oh goodo, let's hear it.

M:      List for the post of Lord High Executioner -

	Lord Blackadder.

BA:     Ah He.



SCENE 3  (Back at Edmund Blackadder's home)

-------

BA:     Right then. Let's take a look shall we? Who's first into the head basket

	then? Admiral Lord Ethingham and Sir Francis Drake on Monday.

P:      That should draw a crowd.

BA:     Hm?

P:      Well, sailing enthusiasts.

BA:     Oh yes, better make sure there's a few anchors and things on the

	souvenier stall.

P:      Aye, aye, sir.

BA:     Never, ever try to be funny in my presence again Percy. Right,

	Buckingham and Ponsonby on Friday. Oh wait a minute. Farrow on

	Wednesday. Who's Farrow when he's not having his head cut off?

P:      Ah, James Farrow, pleasant bloke from Dorchester.

BA:     Don't know him, never will either. Yes, and he goes on Wednesdsay?

P:      Hmm.

BA:     It's not right though, is it?

P:      Well no! I mean now you come to mention it, my Lord, there was

	absolutely no evidence against young Farrow at all! It was an outrageous

	travesty of justice!

BA:     No, it's not right that he should be on Wednesday when we could stick

	him in on Monday and have half the week off.

P:      Oh I see. Yes, that's right.

BA:     Pop him in on Monday. Right, good! Five dead in two days. Not a bad

	start. Oh yes Percy, and the new rough?

P:      Better?

BA:     Worse.

P:      Ah, the fashion today is towards the tiny.

BA:     In that case, Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in London.





SCENE 4 (At the jails)

-------

BA:     Right, good morning team. My name is Edmund Blackadder

	and I'm the new minister in charge of religious genocide.

	Now, if you play straight with me you'll find me a considerate

	employer, but cross me and you'll find that under this playful

	boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac.

	Now my man you are ?

MRP:    Eh, jailor Sir, my Lord.

BA:     Good, well done and your name is ?

MRP:    Ploppy Sir.

BA:     Ploppy ?

MRP:    Yes Sir.

BA:     Ploppy the jailor ?

MRP:    That's right Sir. Ploppy son of Ploppy.

BA:     Ploppy, son of Ploppy the jailor ?

MRP:    Ah ach no Sir. I am the first Ploppy to rise to be jailor.

	My father, Daddy Ploppy was known as Ploppy the slopper.

	It was from him that I inherited my fascinating skin diseases.

BA:     Yes you are to be congratulated, my friend, we, we live in an age

	where illness and deformity are common place and yet Ploppy, you are

	without a doubt the most repulsive individual that I have ever met.

	I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off.

MRP:    There's no many bosses would be that considerate sir.

BA:     Thank you Ploppy, I do my best. Now then woman. if indeed you are a

	woman, what is your function on death row ?

MRSP:   I'm the last meal cook Sir. The prisoners may ask for what they fancy

	for there last meal.....

BA:     And you cook for them what they desire ?

MRSP:   Oh yes Sir, provided they ask for sausages. Otherwise they tend to get

	a tiny bit disappointed. Sausages is all I got.

BA:     You are clearly a woman of principle and compassion mistress eh ?

MRSP:   Ploppy Sir.

BA:     Ah, so you are married to...

MRSP:   No, many people think that but it's pure coincidence. We did laugh

	when first we found out. "Good morning" mistress Ploppy he'd say,

	and I'd say "good morning ..

MRP&

MRSP:   Mr. Ploppy" (both laugh)

BA:     The long winter evenings must just fly by. Ah ! and you must be the

	boy who makes the tea ?

MRP:    Ah no Sir, he's the executioner but he does sometime make the tea.

BA:     Yes, and your name is ?

B:      Baldrick my Lord, but I'll change it to Ploppy if it'll make things

	easier.

BA:     No thank you. I can cope with more than one name. What are you doing

	here ?

B:      Well, it's a hobby

MRSP:   It would be more, more fun Sir if he were to change his name. Give the

	place a more family atmosphere.

BA:     A family atmpsphere ? This is meant to be a place of pain and misery

	and sorrow.

MRSP:   That's what I mean Sir.

MRP:    Eh, Mistress Ploppy is a bit of a social realist Sir.

BA:     Now then, we're going to run a fast efficient operation and I intend to

	do as little work as possible. My deputy Percy here will explain.

P:      Good afternoon staff, my name is Lord Percy and if you play fair by me

	you will find me a considerate employer, but if you cross me BY JOVE,

	you ...

BA:     Just tell'em the plan duckface.

P:      My Lord, not in front of the staff.

BA:     Get on with it.

P:      Right Staff, as you know we are scheduled to execute Drake and

	Ethingham on Monday, Lord Farrow on Wednesday and Buckingham and

	Ponsonby on Friday. But in order to give us the middle of the week off,

	Lord Blackadder has decided to move Farrow to Monday.

BA:     Lets just say he's got time off for good behaviour.



SCENE 5 (The Royal Palace)

-------

LF:     Your Majesty.

Q:      Yes Lady Farrow?

LF:     My husband dies tomorrow. I besiege you, even if you cannot save his

	life-

Q:      Which I don't think either of us would want seeing as how he's a

	horrible traitor!

LF:     Of course not Your Majesty. But if he must die, may I see him?

Q:      But of course. What's she asking me for? Why doesn't she just go along

	to the execution with everyone else?

M:      No Your Majesty, I don't beleive she wants to see him die, I believe

	she wants to see him before he dies.

Q:      How odd.

M:      Your Majesty?

Q:      She's not seen him! I wouldn't marry someone I'd never seen. You should

	take marriage a bit more seriously next time!

LF:     (cries)

Q:      Oh come now Lady Farrow, crying isn't going to help your husband now.

N:      No! Ointment! That's what you need when your head's been cut off!

	That's what I gave your sister Mary when they done her. "There, there"

	I said, "you'll soon grow a new one."

Q:      Shut up Nursie. Of course you may see your husband my dear, and if the

	horrid old Edmund tries to stop you give him this. It's a warrent, for

	his own execution!

LF:     Oh thank you Mam. May flights of angels sing you to your rest!

Q:      Yes, I'm sure they will!



SCENE 6  (Blackadder's Home)

-------



P:      Hip, hip ...

BA:     So, they're all dead are they ?

P:      Yep, all three Drake, Ethingham, Farrow

MA:     Splendid, any interesting last words

P:      Well Farrow was rather moving my Lord. A great strong man, he stood

	there, gaunt and noble in the early morning mist and in a loud clear

	voice he cried out "My wife might have bloddy well turned up"

BA:     Ha, she's probably shacked up with some new pair of tights already.

	Right well unless Lord Percy has anything to add, you lot can amuse

	yourselves in whatever foul depraved way you feel fit til' Friday.

MRP&P:  Thank you Sir.

P:      Well staff, eh I've got a few notes on today's show. On the whole I was

	impressed

BA:     They've gone Percy

P:      Eh eh eh team, team.

B:      My Lord, there is a lady outside to see you.

BA:     Oh is she pretty ?

B:      I don't know, what d'you think?

BA:     Well I don't know do I? I haven't seen her yet.

	Make yourself scarce Baldrick.

B:      Oh right.

LF:     Good evening Lord Blackadder.

BA:     Well it certainly is now. Perhaps you'd like to slip into something

	more comfortable.

LF:     No, my lord, for there is a great pain in my heart.

BA:     It's probably indigestion, I'll soon take your mind off that.

LF:     It's my husband.

BA:     Your husband's got indigestion? Well, he won't be bothering us then.

LF:     No, he dies tomorrow.

BA:     Oh come, you can't die of indigestion, you're over dramatising.

LF:     He is to be executed at your order. I am Lady Farrow.

BA:     Ah, and what exactly did you want of me?

LF:     I wish to see my husband tonight.

BA:     Ehe! Not really possible actually.

LF:     (Starts to whimper)

BA:     Excuse me just a second. Baldrick!

B:      My lord?

BA:     That Farrow bloke you executed today, are you sure he's dead?

B:      Well I chopped his head off, that usually does the trick.

BA:     Yes, don't get clever with me Baldrick. I just thought you might have

	lopped off a leg or something by mistake.

B:      No, the thing I chopped off had a nose.

BA:     Fine!

	Yes, I'm so sorry. I've just been consulting my legal people and I'm

	afraid there really is no chance of a meeting.

LF:     But the queen told me it would be allowed.

BA:     Really?

LF:     Yes, and that if you said "no", I should give you this.

BA:     Eh he! Fine, fine, absolutely, why not?



SCENE 7 (At the jails)

-------



BA:     Right Baldrick, is that all clear?

B:      Yes, em, I've killed someone I shouldn't have killed, and now you want

	me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag.

BA:     No, I want you to put a bag on your head and talk to his old lady.

B:      Why? Why do I want a bag on my head?

BA:     In order, ningcompoop, that she should believe that you're her husband.

B:      Why, did he used to wear a bag on his head?

MRP:    Young, young Ploppy here has a point My Lord, Lord Farrow never wore a

	bag, he was an old fashioned sort of gent.

BA:     Look-

P:      Well, yes, My Lord, I mean, I hadn't meant to mention it but I have been

	wondering all along why you should think Baldrick with a bag on his head

	is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because he's not!

BA:     Look, cretins, the bag is there in order to obscure Baldricks own

	features, and many might think, incidently, that that would be reason

	enough for him to wear it. Before I bring in Lady Farrow I shall explain

	to her, inventing some cunningly plausible excuse, that her husband has

	taken to wearing a bag. She can then chat to Baldrick imagining him to

	be the man she married and the queen need never know of my little

	miscalculation.

MRP:    Why, My Lord, that is a brilliant plan.

P:      Foolproof.

BA:     You're very kind.

MRP:     Although there is something lurking at the back of my head that bothers

	me.

BA:     It's probably a flea.

Enter MRSP

MRSP:   Your lordship, Lady Farrow awaits your pleasure.

BA:     All right, OK. Go on, quick! Quick!

Exit P,MRP,MRSP

BA:     Ah, Lady Farrow, what a real pleasure it is to see you again.

LF:     It is my beloved that I shall be pleased to see.

BA:     Well quite, quite. Though I should warn you that he, eh, he will not be

	quite as you knew him.

LF:     You fiend! What have you done to him?

BA:     We have put.... a bag over his head.

LF:     Why?

BA:     Well, the thing is, you see, none of the other prisoners have such

	shapely widows, baa wives I should say, and therefore in the interests

	of the condemned community, your husband has nobly agreed to wear a bag.

	It was either that or have all the other prisoners in there with you.

LF:     How like him to make such a gesture.

BA:     Yes, yes. Well I'll just go and check he's bagged up. Right Balders,

	this is it.

Enter MRP,P

MRP:    My lord!

BA:     Oh what is it now Ploppy?

MRP:    I have located my nagging doubt. It's a small point, but I do now recall

	that Lord Farrow was considerably taller, more than a yard taller, than

	young Ploppy here.

BA:     If you want something done properly you've got to do it yourself,

	haven't you? Anything else I should know?

MRP:    Oh yes, he had a very deep voice, big deep booming voice.

BA:     So quite like mine then?

MRP:    No, my lord, a big deep booming voice.

BA:     Well mine's quite deep.

MRP:    Ah not like his, and in fact, he was even taller than you, my lord. Oh

	a giant of a man.

BA:     Yes, all right, all right, don't rub it in. Percy, you'd better go

	and have another word with her. Go on, go on.

P:      Em, sorry about the delay madam, eh, as you know, you are about to meet

	your husband, whom you will recognise on account of the fact that he has

	a bag over his head.

LF:     Why I would know my darling anywhere.

P:      Well, yes, there are a couple of other things.

LF:     I am prepared for the fact that he may have lost some weight.

P:      Yes, and some height. That's the interesting thing, eh, you'll

	probably hardly recognise him at all actually.

LF:     You'll be telling me his arm's grown back next.

P:      Eh, excuse just for a sec. He's only got one arm!!!

MRP:    Ah yes!

BA:     Oh well I shall just have to stick it inside the shirt. Which one?

	Which one?

P:      Eh, eh, hang on! Em hang on! Em, em, eh, how do we know you're his wife?

LF:     What?

P:      Em, well, you know, you could be a gloater.

LF:     I beg pardon.

P:      You know, a gloater, eh, come to gloat over the condemned man. I mean

	we're up to our ears is gloaters here. "Can I come in for a gloat?" they

	shout and we shout back "Oh you heartless gloaters".

LF:     (cries)

P:      All right, all right, I tell you what. I'll believe you're not a

	gloater if you tell me which arm he hasn't got.

lf:     His left of course! Now let me see my husband!

P:      Right! it's the left. Good luck!

BA:     Gloaters, you really are a pratt aren't you Percy ?

	Right, don't forget in two minutes you interrupt me all right ?

	And no more than two minutes otherwise I'm in real trouble, and don't

	forget because..?

B:      Because we're not at home to Mr. Cockup!

BA:     Correct.

MRP:    Remember the voice my lord.

BA:     Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Exit B, P, MRP.

BA:     Enter.

LF:     James?

BA:     My darling!

LF:     How are you?

BA:     Oh fine, fine. Food's not bad. Apart from the sausages.

LF:     You're voice is somehow different.

BA:     Oh, how?

LF:     Somehow lighter, not as deep or booming as once it was.

BA:     Is that better?

LF:     Oh my darling! Oh call me by that name you always called me to show

	your love is still strong.

BA:     Ah yes, look, do you think this is quite the time or the place for

	that sort of thing ?

LF:     Please!

BA:     Em this is the specific secret little name that I always used to

	call you? You want to be called it again, is that right?

LF:     Yes, the one like 'your little pumpkin'.

BA:     The one like 'your little pumpkin' but not actually 'your little

	pumpkin' ?

LF:     No.

BA:     Em, right then, my little pumpkinywumpkiny ?

LF:     Oh my darling! AH! Your arm!

BA:     What's wrong with it?

LF:     What happened to it?

BA:     Well, well, I'm rather hurt you don't remember yourself in fact.

LF:     But it was only cut off at the elbow.

BA:     Aagh!

LF:     What happened to the rest?

BA:     Ah, yes, well, well I got into a scrap here with a fellow who called

	you a nosey little strumpet who was always going blubbing to the

	queen.

LF:     Oh!

BA:     And we got into a fight, and he cut off the top half.

LF:     Oh alas!

BA:     Eh, ah, yes of course, well I think you'd better be going. Lord

	Blackadder said he was going to be sending in his servant Baldrick

	to collect me.

LF:     Perhaps, my lord, he is leaving us for a little longer.

BA:     Oh no, no, no. I shouldn't think so. BALDRICK!!

	He's usually very punctual.

LF:     Perhaps this Baldrick is doing it out of kindness.

BA:     Oh no, I shouldn't think so. BALDRICK!! He, he he's a very unkind

	person.

LF:     Well then, let us leap on the moment that we have been given and use

	it to its full.

BA:     What ?

LF:     Let me do this last thing for you! What wife could do more ?

BA:     What? Oh, I see.

Enter B.

B:      Right, that's it. Time up!

BA:     No it isn't.

B:      Yes it is! Come along. Time's up! Come along.

LF:     Oh we've had so little time. May we finish what we began in paradise.

	Farewell.

B       Farewell.

Exit LF.

BA:     Baldrick, you bastard! You utter bastard!

	That was the first time ever, in my whole life. I've been on this

	pultry, boring planet for 30 years and that's the first time ever

	anyone has ever attempted...

Enter LF.

LF:     But do not despair my lord. Your brother petitions the queen tomorrow

	morning. There may still be hope!

Exit LF.

BA:     What?

B:      Shall I prepare the guest room for Mr. Cockup my lord ?





SCENE 8  (The Royal Palace)

-------





Q:      Oh yes alright then, let him off. He probably is innocent anyway.

F:      My lady! May the heavens rain down radiant jewels and sweet meats

	apon you.

Q:      Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

F:      And may Cherabim and Seraphim.....

Q:      Out!

BA:     My lady, about Lord Farrow.

Q:      I've let him off.

BA:     No, no, no, no, you can't. He's a complete cad of the first water.

Q:      'Can't' is not a word for princes Lord Blackadder.

M:      How very true majesty.

Q:      Anyway, I won't be argued with, will I Nursey?

N:      Well sometimes my darling when you want something very naughty. No

	you won't be argued with absolutely not.

Q:      Precisely. So Lord Backadda ha! I want to see Lord Farrow here in

	1 hour. Meanwhile, I shall spend the time visiting my old friend Lord

	Ponsonby who I believe I'm having killed on Friday - Come on Nursey,

	let's see if there are any good heads in Traitor's Cloister on the way!

BA:     Percy, this is a very difficult situation.

P:      Yes, my lord.

BA:     Someone's for the chop. You or me in fact.

P:      Ah yes.

BA:     Let's face facts Perc, it's you!

P:      Except, Exc-ept, I may have a plan.

BA:     Oh yes.

P:      Yes, eh, eh. How about if we get Lord Farrow's head and body and we

	take it to the queen, except, exc-ept just before we get in,we start

	shouting and screaming, and then we come in saying "We were just on

	our way when he said something traitorous and so we cut his head off

	in the corridor just to teach him a lesson".

BA:     Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic! Contemptable! Worth a try. Where did

	we put the head?

P:      It's on a spike in traitor's cloister.

BA:     Oh God, well that's where the queen's gone! Did she know Farrow?

P:      Oh yes, they were childhood friends.

BA:     Well what if she sees his head on a spike? She'll, she'll, she'll

	realise he's dead!

P:      Yes.

BA:     You fetch the body, and I'll cover the head.





SCENE 9 (Traitor's cloister)

-------



Q:      Oh! Hello Edmund. Look I'm sorry I snapped at you just now. You know

	I'm really very keen on you indeed don't you ?

BA:     Oh yes mam, as you were keen on Essex.

Q:      Exactly!

BA:     Right up to the point at which you had his head cut off.

Q:      (laughs) He didn't mind that, he knew it was only little me! And I

	must say, his head did look jolly super on its spike. Are there no

	heads on spikes today ?

BA:     Em, no. No, we're training up a new executioner and he's a little

	immature. Takes him forever. Slash, slash, slash. By the time he's

	finished you don't so much need a spike as a toast rack.

Q:      I like toast. Still, must be off to say bye bye to Ponsonby. Would you

	care to stroll with me a while just if you've got time, if you're

	not to busy.

BA:     No, sorry mam, affairs at office-

Q:      I said "Would you care to stroll with me a while, just if you've got

	time, if YOU'RE NOT TOO BUSY!"

BA:     It would make the decade wothwhile!



				---------------



BA:     And in Genoa, 'tis now the fashion to pin a live frog to the shoulder

	braid, stand in a bucket and go "bibble" at passers by.

Q:      Oh, our Italian cousins!

BA:     Well if you'll excuse me mam, I've got some business to attend to.

Q:      Certainly. But first Edmund, take my hand. Tell me you forgive my

	former sharpness.

BA:     Em. M'lady

Q:      Sweet Lord Blackadder.

Exit Q,N. Enter P.

BA:     Percy.

P:      Well, I've got the body my lord and I see you've got the head.

BA:     Yes but look it's no good Percy, no-one's ever going to believe

	we've just cut it off, it's gone green! We're doomed.

P:      Doomed. Oh wait a moment, that's not Farrow!

BA:     Isn't it ?

P:      No, that's Ponsonby.

BA:     My God, Ponsonby! That genius Baldrick has killed the wrong bloke.

	We're saved.

P:      Saved.

BA:     Then Farrow is alive and we're saved.

P:      Hooray!

BA:     And when the queen gets back from seeing Ponsonby we'll - Oh God!

P:      Oh doomed! Doomed!





SCENE 10  (At the jails)

--------



Q:      It's not very nice here is it?

N:      No, it's not meant to be my pikelet. This is where all the horrid

	people who don't like you live.

Q:      Hmm, I suppose so. It's a bit smelly too, isn't it?

N:      Ah well of course I'm used to that. In the mornings when you were a

	little baby ....

Q:      Shut up Nursey! You - No not you, you're too repulsive. You!

B:      Yes, your Royal Majestic highness.

Q:      Bring in Lord Ponsonby.

B:      Yes your royal majestic .. thing!

Q:      So strange, Ponsonby turned out to be a traitor. You would have thought

	that he'd have had problems enough - what with that hunch, and only

	having one leg!

N:      Yes and that terrible speech problem

P:      Your majesty.. Lord Ponsonby

BA:     Your royal majesty. Sorry about the baaag. Didn't have time to shave !



				THE END

				=======











Back to top of Part 2

Part II Episode 3: Potato


Blackadder sets out on a quest for new potatoes and to boldly go where Sir Walter "rather-a-wimp" Raleigh has already gone before.


[Blackadder's house. Enter Percy wearing a matching red outfit and hat -

 with antlers. The outfit is covered in bells which ring as he walks.

 Sounds of a celebration are heard outside]



Percy:		Coming?



Blackadder:	Nope [offhandedly closing door on Percy]



Percy:		[re-entering] It will be a once in a lifetime experience.



Blackadder:	No it won't [closing the door with his foot. Percy

		makes a "wauh" noise as he is shoved out]



Percy:		[entering again, holding his nose] Everybody's going.



Blackadder:	Don't exaggerate, Percy. I'm not going, Mrs. Miggins

		from the pie shop isn't going...



Percy:		Oh, my lord, you are cruel; you know perfectly well that Mrs.

		Miggins is bedridden from the nose down [postures, with his

		hand on his hip] And besides, she is honoring the occasion

		in her own special way by baking a great commemorative pie,

		in the shape of an enormous pie! 



Blackadder:	What an imagination that woman has. [The crowd's

		cheering swells outside]



Percy:		Oh, come on Edmund! The greatest explorer of our age is

		coming home. The streets have never been so gay! Women

		are laughing, children are singing... Oh look! [pointing out

		the window] there's a man being indecently assaulted by

		nine foreign sailors, and he's still got a smile on his face!



Blackadder:	Look, Percy, the return of Sir Walter "Ooh what a big

		ship I've got" Raleigh is a matter of supreme indifference

		to me.



Percy:		[leaning in towards him] Look, if you're not careful, all the

		children will dance about outside your window, singing

		"sourpuss" and "grumpy face", and you wouldn't want that,

		now would you?



Blackadder:	I believe I could survive it. Now, Percy, will you 

		get out before I cut off your head, scoop out the insides,

		and give it to your mother as a vase?! [goes over to Percy,

		and, dragging him by his antlers, throws him out again. Slams

		door] What a clot. The most absurdly dressed creature

		in Christendom [enter Baldrick, wearing a "dung-gatherer's"

		version of same. The hat is brown with branches sticking

		off the top] (Pauses) With one exception.



Baldrick:	[looking up at him] My lord?



Blackadder:	Baldrick, you look like a deer.



Baldrick:	Thank you my lord. You look a bit of a ducky yourself.



Blackadder:	Oh God. [in disgust] What do you want?



Baldrick:	Well, I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off?



Blackadder:	Of course not; who do you think you are, Watt Tyler?

		You can have the afternoon off when you DIE, not before.



Baldrick:	But I want to cheer brave Sir Walter home. Oh, dear sir, 

		on a day like today I feel proud to be a member of the

		greatest kingdom in the world.



Blackadder:	And doubtless many other members of the animal kingdom

		feel the same way but - [crowd cheering rises again.

		Blackadder gestures threateningly at the window]

		Look, will you shut up?! Bloody explorers, ponce off

		to mumbo-jumbo-land, come home with a tropical disease,

		a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things, and, Bob's your uncle,

		everyone's got a picture of them in the lavatory. I mean,

		what about the people that do all the work?



Baldrick:	The servants.



Blackadder:	No, me; *I'm* the people who do all the work. I mean *look*

		at this! [goes to a table at the side of the room and

		picks up a small brown thing and holds it up] *What* is it?



Baldrick:	Oh, I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord.



Blackadder:	I haven't forgotten; it's a rhetorical question.



Baldrick:	[looking at him] No, it's a potato.



Blackadder:	To you it's a potato, to me it's a potato. But to

		Sir Walter Bloody Raleigh it's country estates, fine carriages,

		and as many girls as his tongue can cope with. He's making

		a fortune out of the things; people are smoking them,

		building houses out of them... They'll be eating them next.

		[shoves it into Baldrick's chest; Baldrick takes it and looks

		at it]



Baldrick:	Stranger things have happened.



Blackadder:	Oh, exactly.



Baldrick:	[continues] That horse becoming Pope.



Blackadder:	The what? [Someone knocks on the door and Baldrick goes to

		answer it] Oh God. Probably some birk with a parrot on his

		shoulder selling plaster gnomes of Sir Francis Drake and his

		Golden beHind [A child is heard outside singing "sourpuss,

		grumpy face, sourpuss, grumpy face..."[Miranda Richardson,

		actually]. Edmund pulls out a bow, nocks an arrow and shoots.

		The singing stops with an abrupt "aah! Mummy..."]

		[Edmund shouts out the window] And another thing: why

		aren't you at school?



		[Melchett, followed by Baldrick comes in the room]



Melchett:	Blackadder, started talking to yourself I see.



Blackadder:	[Turning away from the window] Yes, it's the only way I can

		be sure of intelligent conversation. What do you want?



Melchett:	Well I just looked in on my way to the palace to welcome

		Sir Walter home; I wondered if you cared to accompany me.



Blackadder:	I don't think I'll bother, actually; three hours of

		bluff seaman's talk about picking the weevils out of

		biscuits and drinking urine is not my idea of a good time.



Melchett:	As you wish. [To Baldrick] Servant, my hat. [Baldrick leaves.

		Melchett holds out a box toward Blackadder] Potato?



Blackadder:	Thanks, I don't. [Melchett takes a bite of one]. I 

		see you haven't succumbed to this fad of dressing up

		like half an allotment in Nottingham Forest. [Baldrick

		enters carrying Melchett's hat]



Baldrick:	There you go, my lord [hands Melchett his hat. It is

		decorated with not only antlers but feathers as well]





Blackadder:	-You have.



Melchett:	It's probably just as well you're not coming, Blackadder,

		you're not very popular at court at the moment, and the

		Queen and I have- [Blackadder interrupts him]



Blackadder:	-Yes, well I can probably leave this 'til tomorrow in fact.

		[over Melchett's protests "you needn't bother"]. No, no, I'll

		come with you; obviously the Queen and I will be the

		only ones even *vaguely* sensibly dressed. [follows

		Melchett out and slams the door behind him]



		--------------------



		[cut to the Queen, who is wearing an eyepatch and a 

		 special matching crown(?). A knock is heard at the door]



Queen:		Who is it?



Melchett:	Melchy, Lady. [He tries to open the door]



Queen:		[keeping door closed with her hand] -But soft! Close your

		eyes! [She runs back to throne next to Nursie] Now enter!

		[He enters, hand draped melodramatically over eyes. Queen

		says:] Ahoy there, me shivering matey, heave-ho! [Seats

		herself]. Right, open your eyes.



Melchett:	Thank you, Majesty. And- [bows slightly, pretends to 

		look around in puzzlement]



Queen:		[smiling widely but playing the innocent] Why, what's the

		matter, Melchy?



Melchett:	Well, I beg your pardon, my Lady. I was wanting to greet

		the gallant sailor who hallooed me as I came in [Queen

		squeals with delight] Perchance he has hauled anchor and

		sailed away. [Edmund is looking disgusted in the background]



Queen:		[slyly] No- it was me!



Melchett:	Majesty! Surely not! 



Blackadder:	You utter creep. [Melchett gives him a condescending

		look and moves out of his way so the Queen can greet 

		Edmund]  So. Where's this barnacle-bottomed, haddock-flavored, 

		bilge-rat Sir rather-a-wally Raleigh then? I hear he's

		about as exciting as one of his potatoes.



Queen:		Blackadder's a frightful old lubber, eh Melchy?



Melchett:	Well indubitably no sea-dog, Ma'am. With a Yo-ho-ho

		and perhaps, I might venture, a bottle of rum into the

		bargain?



		[A high whistle sounds, like the now-hear-this in ST:TOS]



Queen:		It's him! Oh God, [picks up a hand mirror] do I look

		absolutely divine and regal and yet at the same time

		very pretty and rather accessible?



Melchett:	[bowing] You are every jolly jacktar's dream, Majesty.



Queen:		I thought as much. If he's really gorgeous, I'm thinking

		of marrying him.



Blackadder:	Ma'am, is that not a little rash?



Queen:		I don't think so.



Nursie:		It wouldn't be your first little rash if it was.



		[The whistle sounds again and Sir Walter enters 

		 with a flourish and bows deeply and elaborately.

		 They all applaud him for his feats. Sir Walter

		 is played by Simon Jones, of "Arthur Dent" fame.

		 As if I have to tell you]



Sir Walter:	Majesty! [he sings out] 



Queen:		Splice me timbers, Sir Walter, it's bucko to see you,

		old matey!



Sir Walter:	I'm sorry?



Blackadder:	[caustically] She says hello.



Sir Walter:	And well she might, for I have bought her gifts and

		dominions beyond her wildest dreams [taking off his

		hat and bowing with a flourish again]



Queen:		Are you sure? I have some pretty wild dreams, you know...

		I'm not sure what they mean, but the other day there was

		this enormous tree, and I was sitting right on top of it-



Melchett:	[warningly] Ma'am



Queen:		And then I dreamt once that I was a sausage roll-



Melchett:	Majesty-



Queen:		Sorry! So excited! Don't know what I'm saying. Oh- come on,

		Sir Walter, I want to hear about absolutely everything!



Sir Walter:	[launches into storytelling mode] Then, prepare to hear

		tales of terrible hardship, endurance and woe. [All settle]

		We set sail from Plymouth in the spring of 1552 [Edmund

		yawns quite audibly]



Queen:		[disparagingly] You remember Lord Blackadder...



Sir Walter:	[Nods] No. But I can see he is the sort of pasty

		landlubber I have always despised [All laugh except

		Edmund].



Queen:		Well, quite. [Angrily] Don't crowd Sir Walter, Edmund.



Sir Walter:	[continues] Twice, last week, I fought in hand to

		hand combat with a man with two heads and no body hair.

		I'll warrant, the most exciting thing that has happened

		to that limpid prawn in a whole year, was the day his

		servant forgot to put sugar in his porridge [Edmund

		smiles tensely as they all laugh at him]



Queen:		[to Sir Walter] Gosh, you've got nice legs.



Sir Walter:	[continuing on as if he hasn't heard] While I hold

		the six seas of the world in my hand, he couldn't

		even put six gob-stoppers in his mouth! [all laugh]



Queen:		He's a complete no-hoper, isn't he, Walt?



Sir Walter:	He certainly is. [more laughing. Queen stops and says:]



Queen:		My bedroom's just upstairs, you know.



Melchett:	I had heard, Sir Walter, that there were only[sic] seven seas.



Sir Walter:	Ah, only numerically speaking. We sailors do not count

		the sea around the Cape of Good Hope. It is called the

		Sea of Certain Death, and no sailor has crossed it alive.



Edmund:		[butts in] Well, well, well, what an extraordinary

		coincidence.



Queen:		What's an extraordinary coincidence? [not caring]



Edmund:		Oh, it's just I was planning a jaunt around the Cape of Good

		Hope, myself. I'm leaving a week on Thursday, I think.

		[Queen: "Really?"] Yes, and now that, erm - Sorry, I've

		forgotten your name- has returned and the whole court smells

		of fish, I've half a mind to set off this afternoon.



Sir Walter:	If you attempt that journey, you've no mind at all.



Edmund:		Or perhaps a mind that knows no fear.



Queen:		Is that true, Edmund? Do you know no fear?



Edmund:		Well, yes, I do rather laugh in the face of fear,

		tweak the nose of terror.



Queen:		Gosh, Edmund, I'd forgotten how dishy you are.



Sir Walter:	You'd never dare. Why, 'round the Cape, the rain

		beats down so hard it makes your head bleed!



Edmund:		So, some sort of hat is probably in order.



Sir Walter:	And great dragons leap from the water and swallow

		ships whole!



Edmund:		-I must remember to pack the larger of my two

		shrimping nets.



Queen:		Edmund, you are completely wonderful. If you do this,

		I'll probably marry you [All leave Sir Walter's side

		and go flank Blackadder]



Sir Walter:	Oh yes? And who will be your captain? Hmph! To my mind,

		there is only one seafarer with few enough marbles

		to attempt that journey.



Edmund:		Ah yes, and who is that?



Sir Walter:	Why, Rum, of course. Captain Redbeard Rum.



Edmund:		Well done. Just testing. And where would I find him on a

		Tuesday?



Sir Walter:	Well, if I remember his habits, he's usually up the Old

		Sea Dog.



Edmund:		Ah yes, and where is the Old Sea Dog?



Sir Walter:	Well, on Tuesdays he's normally in bed with the Captain.



		--------------------



		[cut to a table in a dark room. Rum [Tom Baker, but I

		 needn't tell you that] is sitting with his back against

		 a wall]

		 

Rum:		Aaaaaaahrrrrr Aaaaaaahrrrrr Aaaaaaaaaaahrrrrr. Me laddy.



Blackadder:	Ah-haah-ah, indeed. So, Rum, I wish to hire you and

		your ship. Can we shake on it? [holds out hand]



Rum:		aah-ahhh! [strokes his hand] You have a woman's hand, milord!

		I'll wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor

		in a storm.



Blackadder:	Well, you're right there.



Rum:		Ha ha ha. -Aah! Your skin milord. I'll wager it ne'er

		felt the lash of a cat ['o' nine tails], been rubbed

		with salt, and then flayed off by a pirate chief to make

		fine stockings for his best cabin boy.



Blackadder:	How canny, I don't know how you do it, but you're right

		again.



Rum:		Why should I let a stupid cockerel like you aboard me boat?



Blackadder:	Perhaps for the money in my purse [holding it up]



Rum:		Ha. -Aah! You have a woman's purse! [takes it from him and

		examines it daintily] I'll wager that purse has never been

		used as a rowing-boat. I'll wager it's never had sixteen

		shipwrecked mariners tossing in it.



Blackadder:	Yes, right again, Rum. I must say when it comes to tales of

		courage I'm going to have to keep my mouth shut.



Rum:		Oh! You have a woman's mouth, milord! I'll wager that

		mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship

		to escape the dreadful spindly killer fish.



Blackadder:	I must say, when I came to see you, I had no idea I was going

		to have to eat your ship as well as hire it. And since you're

		clearly as mad as a mongoose I'll bid you farewell [gets up]



Rum:		Aaah, courtiers to the Queen, you're nothing but lapdogs to a

		slip of a girl.



Blackadder:	Better a "lapdog to a slip of a girl", than a... Git.



Rum:		So you do have some spunk in you! Don't worry, laddie,

		I'll come, I'll come [holds out his hand]



Blackadder:	Well, let us set sail as soon as we can. [they shake]

		I will fetch my first mate, and then I'll return

		as fast as my legs will carry me.



Rum:		Ah! [pointing] You have a woman's legs, my lord! I'll

		wager those are legs that have never been sliced clean off

		by a falling sail, and swept into the sea before your

		very eyes.



Blackadder:	[crossly] Well, neither have yours.



Rum:		That's where you're wrong [throws aside table showing

		his lack of legs]



Blackadder:	Oh my God!



Rum:		No point in changing your mind now; no one else will

		come. The whole thing's suicide anyway. What's the

		first mate's name?



Blackadder:	Percy.



Rum:		A nautical cove?



Blackadder:	Yes! Well... He's a sort of wet fish.



		--------------------



		[cut to Percy and Baldrick in a room. Baldrick

		 is folding what appear to be sheets. Perhaps they are sails]

		 

Percy:		[Petulantly]. I'm not coming. I'm just not coming.

		I mean, of course I'm very *keen* to go on the trip,

		it's just... unfortunately, uh... I've got an

		appointment.... to have my nostrils plucked... next year.



Baldrick:	Oh, I'm sorry, my lord. I thought it was because you

		were a complete coward.



Percy:		[sounding nervous] Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick...

		You know me, I mean... I- laugh in the face of fear,

		and- tweak the nose- of the- dreadful spindly killer fish.

		I'm not one of your milksops who's scared out of his mind

		by the mere sight of water. Gah! [backs away in fear as

		Baldrick holds out a goblet of water to his face] Yes, all

		right, I admit it, I admit it, I'm terrified! You see, Baldrick,

		when I was a baby, I was savaged by a turbot [flounder].

		Oh, Baldrick, you can't think of a plan to get me out of

		this, can you?



Baldrick:	Uh, you can hide, my lord.



Percy:		Hide. Brilliant! Where? [They look around the room.

		The trunk the sheet came from is standing invitingly

		wide open]



Baldrick:	Um... [After a few minutes, Baldrick finally sees the box]

		In the box!



Percy:		Which one?! [Figures it out]. Ah - perfect! [Gets in the box]

		Let's practice. All right, Edmund comes in and says, "Hello,

		Baldrick. You haven't seen Percy, have you?" And you say...



Baldrick:	Uh. [Thinks hard] No, my lord, I haven't seen him all day.



Percy:		Brilliant! [They hear a door slam] Oh my God, here he comes!

		[Baldrick helps close the box lid on top of him]



		[Enter Blackadder. Baldrick is standing conspicuously in

		 the middle of the room next to the box]



Blackadder:	Oh, hello, Balders. Where the hell's that cretin Percy;

		you haven't seen him, have you? [Baldrick can't remember

		what he was supposed to say. He thinks about it. Finally,

		with an air of blustery triumph, he says]



Baldrick:	Yes, my lord! He's hiding on the box!



Blackadder:	[eyeing the box] Come on, jellybrain. Hurry up, otherwise

		we'll miss the tide! [kicks the box, in the manner of, "is

		there anybody home?!"]



		--------------------



		["Oh, Edmund, I'm SO proud," we hear the pleased voice of

		 the Queen, "You're just my complete hero! Oh dear! I'm going

		 all gooey now." We see that Edmund has come to say goodbye

		 and the Queen has greeted him from her throne.]



Blackadder:	Ma'am, I move that if during my journey I could believe

		that occasionally you did spare me a thought and, perhaps,

		go gooey again, I would deem my certain death a minor

		inconvenience. [Melchett makes a face as if something smells]



Queen:		[gushy] Oh Ned... [proudly] I've written a poem!



Blackadder:	Madam, I'm honored!



Queen:		[Opens a folded piece of paper, clears throat].



			When the night is dark,

			and the dogs go bark;

			When the clouds are black,

			and the ducks go- quack;

			  [Melchy and Raleigh nod appreciatively]

			When the sky is blue,

			and the cows go- moo;

			  ["Oh, yes" Melchett smarms]

			Think of lovely Queenie;

			She'll be thinking of you.



		[Melchy and Raleigh mumble appreciations and applaud.

		 The Queen continues:]



		It's called, "Edmund." Shakespeare gave me a hand with

		the title, but the rest is all my own work!



Nursie:		Tush and fie, my tiddly. You didn't always make such

		pretty speeches [Queen makes yawning noises]

		'Tis but the twinkling of a toe since you could say

		nothing but, "Lizzie go plop, plop; Lizzie go plop, plop--"



Queen:		-[crossly] Oh, put a bung in it, Nursie. Now! I am sure Melchy

		and, uh- [pauses] Wally, want to say something as well.



"Wally":	Oh, yes indeed! [Crosses over gleefully to Edmund, and

		says with audible satisfaction] Goodbye, Blackadder.

		I'd say "Bon Voyage," but there's no point. You'll be

		dead in three months. [Pats him patronizingly on the shoulder]



Blackadder:	[equally patronizingly] I love you, Walter, I hope you know that



		[Melchett steps up to Blackadder]



Melchett:	Farewell, Blackadder [hands him a parchment]. The foremost

		cartographers of the land have prepared this for you; it's

		a map of the area that you'll be traversing. [Blackadder opens

		it up and sees it is blank] -They'll be very grateful if you

		could just fill it in as you go along. Bye-bye.



		[A hearty "arr-arr" is heard in the background]



Queen:		What's that? [Baldrick wheels Rum in on a wooden cart]



Rum:		To ?Tilbury? me hearties! The wind is in the sails,

		the oars are in the locks! And we must awaaayyy! [Gestures

		grandly with his hands]



Blackadder:	Lady, it is my captain. Long on beard, short on legs.



Queen:		Oh, Captain. I wish you luck, from the bottom of my heart.



Rum:		[Booming] You have a woman's bottom, my Lady! [Gets wheeled

		over to her]. I'll wager that sweet round pair of peaches

		has never been forced 'twixt two splintered planks, to plug

		a leak and save a ship!



Queen:		Certainly hasn't, and I'm quite pleased about it! Anyway,

		what's wrong with women's bottoms?



Rum:		Not big enough, Ma'am.



Nursie:		[Makes a noise of excitement] *Mine* might be!



Rum:		In that case, my little puddin' of delight, let's beat about

		the bush no longer. I know I'm only a bluff old cove with

		no legs and a beard you could lose a badger in, but if you'll

		take me, I'm willing to be captain of your ship, forever!

		What do you say?



Nursie:		[so thrilled she doesn't know what to do with herself]

		Yes, please!



Rum:		[As Baldrick wheels him out] I'll be back! We'll all be back!



Queen:		Edmund, then, this is it. Oh! [air-kisses his cheeks in a

		fake show of affection, then gets brisk and "motherly"]

		Have you got clean underwear? And don't eat foreign food.

		And watch out for strange men, and discover me a country,

		and bring me back a vegetable, and -oh- everything!



Blackadder:	Madam! I shall do all I can. Farewell! [He closes the

		doors behind them, then comes back] And- don't wait up.

		[Leaves again]



Queen:		[looking gushy, and probably covering Raleigh's missing

		his cue]  Gosh.



Sir Walter:	Well! That's the last we'll see of him. In three months' time

		he'll be dead as a [pauses and thinks] dead dodo.



Queen:		Oh, Sir Walter, Really! [Melchett thinks the pun was

		intentional and brays appreciatively]



		--------------------



		[The scene changes and we are on the ship with

		 Blackadder and company. Rum, then Blackadder, then

		 Baldrick take turns "aaarrr"- and "aaaha"-ing

		 like pirates. All look expectantly at Percy

		 but he does not follow suit]

		 

Blackadder:	Not joining us in the "ha-ha"'s, Percy?



Percy:		[With visible disdain] No! [valiantly] I'm thinking of

		England and the girl I left behind me.



Blackadder:	[annoyed] Oh, God; I didn't know you had a girl.



Percy:		[getting all dreamy] Oh, yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax.



Blackadder:	[surprised] Caroline! I didn't know you knew her.



Percy:		Oh, yes! I even touched her once.



Blackadder:	[puzzled] Touched her what?



Percy:		Uh, once. In the corridor.



Blackadder:	I've never heard it called *that* before [pauses and

		reflects]. Here- when you get home in six months, you'll

		be a hero. She might even let you get your hands on

		her twice.



Percy:		I fear not.



Blackadder:	Why not?



Percy:		Because we'll never get home. We're doomed, doomed!

		Condemned to a watery grave with a captain who's legless-



Rum:		Rubbish! I've hardly touched a drop!



Percy:		-No, no. I mean you haven't got any legs.



Rum:		Oh, yes, you're right there. Carry on, sorry.



Percy:		[Moans wordlessly] We've got no hope. No hope of ever returning.



Blackadder:	On the contrary, we are certain to return!



Percy:		What?!



Blackadder:	Because, me old sods, we are not going to the Cape

		of Good Hope at all. 



All:		WHAT?!!



Blackadder:	We are in fact going - to France!



All:		FRANCE!!!!  [Percy gets to his feet with the shock of the news]



Percy:		But, Edmund, surely France has already been discovered.

		[points at him] By the French for a start.



Blackadder:	Well, precisely; it's a trick. We just camp down in the

		?Dardonnes? for six months, get a good suntan, come home,

		pretend we've been 'round the Cape, and get all the glory.



Percy and

  Baldrick:	Hooray!



Rum:		A masterly plan, me young master. And one that leads me

		to make an announcement meself.



Blackadder:	What's that, Rum?



Rum:		Truth is, I don't know the way to the Cape of Good Hope

		anyway. 



Blackadder:	Well, what were you going to do?



Rum:		Oh, what I usually do. Sail 'round and 'round the

		Isle of Wight 'til everyone gets dizzy. Then head for home.



Blackadder:	You old rascal. Still, who cares; the day after tomorrow

		we shall be in Calais. Captain, [stands and raises his glass]

		set sail for France!



		[All save Rum raise their glasses and toast, then

		 yell, "Hooray!"]	



		[The screen blanks and two lines appear in a caption:]



			    The Day After

			The Day After Tomorrow



		[The four are still sitting in the ship's galley, only

		 looking dejected instead of spirited]



Blackadder:	So. You Don't Know The Way To France, Either.



Rum:		No! I must confess that, too.



Blackadder:	[turns toward Percy and Baldrick as if he is going to

		announce his revised plan, and says:] Bugger!



		--------------------



		[Scene changes to Queen entering a room and Melchett

		 and Raleigh bowing]

		 

Queen:		He's only been gone three days and I am missing him already.



Raleigh:	[smarmily] Well, perhaps Ma'am, I could amuse you still

		further with tales of my adventures.



Queen:		[menacingly] Like what?



Raleigh:	Perhaps you would like to hear the one about the mad

		pirate king, whose crew consisted entirely of men called

		Roger.



Queen:		[bored] Heard it.



Raleigh:	Oh. Maybe I could distract you with the tale of the time I

		fell into the water and was almost eaten by a hammerhead shark.



Queen:		Yes. All right, try that one.



Raleigh:	Well, Ma'am. [with a flourish] I fell into the water.

		[pauses for suspense] and was almost eaten by a shark...

		And the funny thing is, its head was almost exactly the

		same shape as a hammer!



Queen:		[extremely annoyed] Ooh, God! You'd better come up with

		some presents, or I'm going to go off explorers completely!



Raleigh:	Ma'am?



Queen:		I'll tell you something else. Edmund was right. You do

		smell of fish. Pooey! [leaves in a huff]



		--------------------



		[change of scene: Rum, Blackadder, Baldrick and Percy

		 are sitting around a table in the galley, ostensibly

		 arguing about their plight. Tom Baker can be clearly

		 distinguished above the rest yelling "Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb!

		 while the rest are actually talking in a way that their

		 characters might]



Edmund:		Look, there's no need to panic. Someone in the crew will

		know how to steer this thing.



Rum:		The crew, milord? 



Edmund:		Yes, the crew.



Rum:		What crew?



Edmund:		I was under the impression that it was common maritime practice

		for a ship to have a crew.



Rum:		Opinion is divided on the subject.



Edmund:		Oh, really? [starting to get the picture]



Rum:		Yahs. All the other captains say it is; I say it isn't.



Edmund:		Oh, God; Mad as a brush.



		--------------------



		[The scene blanks out and a caption appears:



			"Six Months Later"

			

		 Melchett carries a rolled up parchment which he

		 presents to the Queen]

		 

Melchett:	Sir Walter Raleigh's death warrant for your signature,

		Majesty.



Queen:		[with quill pen at the ready] Oh. Good. Any news of Edmund?



Melchett:	[smugly] Well, Madam, if they're on course, they should be

		nearing the urine-drinking stage by now.



Queen:		Don't be horrid, Melchy. Edmund would rather die!



Melchett:	I fear that may be wishful thinking, Majesty. [He blows

		the ink dry on Raleigh's death warrant]



		--------------------



		[scene change: Edmund is passed out or sleeping at the

		 galley table. A knock comes at the door]

		 

Edmund:		Enter. [Baldrick and Percy come in, carrying bottles. Edmund

		sits up and we see he that his face is tired and drawn] So soon?



Percy:		You said today. [They set the bottles on the table]



Edmund:		Yes, well, I'm not feeling very thirsty at the moment.

		I had an egg-cup full of stagnant water three weeks ago...

		Oh all right, come on, let's get on with it. [He stands up]



Baldrick:	Should we drink each other's or stick to our own?



Edmund:		Is Captain Rum joining us for this bring-a-sample party,

		or is he going to sit this one out?



Percy:		Oh no, he's been swigging his for ages. He says he likes it.

		Actually, come to think of it, he started before the water

		ran out.



Edmund:		Oh, God. [Resigned] Well, let's get on with it.



		[Caption appears,



			"Ten Minutes Later"

			

		 Then, we see the three of them with their backs to

		 the camera and their hands apparently in front of them]

		 

Edmund:		It's always the same, isn't it; you get all keyed up and

		then you can't go.



Baldrick:	I've done two bottles [He turns around and places two

		full bottles on the table]



Blackadder:	All right, then; pour it out. [Laments] That it should come

		to this, drinking Baldrick's water. [He holds out a mug and

		Baldrick begins to pour]



Baldrick:	Say when. [Blackadder says "When" almost immediately. Baldrick

		clinks bottles with Percy, in a toast, "Down the hatch". They

		raise the glasses and are about to drink]



Rum[offscreen]:	Land Ahoy! [They stagger as the ship hits something]



Blackadder:	Ah! France at last!



Rum:		[pops his head in the galley window] No, me young master.

		Through fair winds and fine seamanship, our vessel is once more

		edged up on the shores of Old Blightey.



All:		Hooray!



Rum:		By lucky chance, we have landed at Southampton dock.



All:		Hooray!



Rum:		Fare thee well. The last one up the old sea dog gets a lick

		of the cat'! [He disappears again, and Baldrick goes to the

		window and looks out]



Baldrick:	Don't look much like Southampton to me, my lord.		



Blackadder:	What?



Baldrick:	Well, those streams of molten lava and that steamy

		mangrove swamp. [Blackadder and Percy begin to look worried,

		and cross over to the window to look] And that crowd of

		beckoning natives rubbing their tummies and pointing to

		a large pot.



Blackadder:	[rolling eyes] Oh, God.



		--------------------



		[Caption appears,



			 "Two Years Later"

			 

		 Then we see a very disgruntled Raleigh wearing a

		 dunce's outfit, with the Queen throwing rings at his cap,

		 and Melchett and Nursie looking on]

		 

Queen:		Where are they now?



Melchett:	Well, Madam, if they haven't been eaten by cannibals,

		they should be back any minute now.



		[The door bursts open and Blackadder, Percy and Baldrick

		 make their entrance, bowing to the Queen]

		 

Edmund:		Ma'am!



Queen:		[shrieks] Edmund! You're alive!



Edmund:		[patronizingly, as if to shrug it off] Oh, yes.



Queen:		And your silly friend.



Percy:		Lord Percy, Ma'am [bowing again].



Queen:		And your monkey!



Baldrick:	[bowing] Your Majesty.



Queen:		But where is Captain Rum?



Blackadder:	Uh, bad news, my Lady; Rum is dead. [Nursie screws her face up

		and starts to cry]



Percy:		Do not despair, good woman. He died a hero's death: giving his

		life that his friends might live.



Blackadder:	And that his enemies might have something to go with

		their potatoes.



Nursie:		You mean they put him in the pot?



Blackadder:	Yes, your fiance was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate

		second course. [Nursie starts sobbing again] However, we did

		manage to save something of him as a memento. [reaches in a

		large sack they brought in with them, takes out Rum's beard,

		and presents it to Nursie] There.



Nursie:		Oh, my lucky stars; I shall wear it always, to remind me

		of him [she puts it on].



Blackadder:	However, Ma'am, I am now returned, and my mind cannot

		help remembering talk of wedding bells.



Queen:		No, I am completely bored with explorers! And if you haven't

		brought me any presents, I'm going to have you executed!



Blackadder:	Ma'am?



Queen:		I only let Raleigh off because he blubbed on his way to the

		block. Presents, please!



Blackadder:	Ah yes, Ma'am. [he backs away, clearly trying to think

		of a plan] Um, yes. Well, there was one thing, Ma'am, a 

		most extraordinary gift from the island paradise we visited.



Queen:		Hurry up!!



Blackadder:	[reaches into a sack Percy is holding and draws out a 

		boomerang and hands it to her]. 



Queen:		What is it?



Melchett:	A stick.



Queen:		[threateningly] Is it a stick,, Lord Blackadder? 



Blackadder:	Ah yes, Ma'am, but it is a very special stick. Because

		when you throw it away, it comes back!



Queen:		Well, that's no good, is it; because when *I* throw things

		away, I don't *want* them to come back!! [turns to Percy] YOU!!

		Get rid of it!



Percy:		Certainly, Ma'am [meekly takes it from her and tosses it

		behind him]



Queen:		What else have you brought?



Blackadder:	Um, yes, well, there was very little time what with

		picking the weevils out of biscuits and-



Queen:		-Melchy, what did I do with that spare death warrant?



		[The boomerang comes back and hits Percy on the head,

		 knocking him down. The Queen changes her mind on the stick]

		 

Queen:		Oh, Edmund, it's wonderful! But what about Melchy and Raleigh?

		You must have brought something for them as well. [Edmund

		clears his throat trying to think of something] -Nursie's got

		her beard, I've got my stick; what about the two boys?



Blackadder:	[stalling as he turns toward Baldrick and looks into the sack]

		Um, yes, well. [Baldrick puts his hand on Blackadder's arm

		and they turn slightly, allowing Baldrick to retrieve something

		from a satchel at his side] There was one thing, Ma'am...



Queen:		good...



		[Baldrick pulls out one of the bottles he filled on the ship

		 and hands it to Edmund, so that it looks as though Edmund has

		 taken it out of the sack that he supposedly brought "presents"

		 in]

		 

Blackadder:	...A fine wine! [Holds the bottle aloft for all to see] A most

		delicious beverage! [He uncorks the bottle and pours out

		two tankards for Melchett and Raleigh]



Queen:		Have a taste, boys, and tell us what you think!



		[Baldrick hands them the tankards and they "sniff the bouquet"

		 and fall over each other trying to praise it to the Queen]



Raleigh:	Oh, it certainly has plenty of nose!

Melchett:	Oh yes, this is very familiar.



Blackadder:	I'm sure you'll be glad to hear [turns and looks at Baldrick]

		that there is an inexhaustible supply!



		--------------- END ---------------











Back to top of Part 2

Part II Episode 4: Money


Edmund gets a bit hot and bothered when a baby-eating Bishop drops by unexpectedly and tries to place a red-hot poker in places where a cotton swab would be kinder.


 

	[In Edmund's bedroom, Edmund is asleep. Beside his head is a pair

         of feet. The owner of the feet is named Mollie.]

 

[knock at door]

 

Edmund: Go away.

 

Baldrick: (standing at open doorway) My Lord, there is someone at the door

          to see you.

 

Edmund: (wearily) Oh god. What time is it?

 

Baldrick: Four o'clock.

 

Edmund: Baldrick, I've told you before: you mustn't let me sleep all day;

        this woman charges by the hour.

 

Baldrick: No, My Lord, it's four o'clock in the morning.

 

Edmund: Someone wants to see me at four in the morning? What is he, a giant

        lark?

 

Baldrick: No, he's a priest.

 

Edmund: Tell him I'm jewish.

 

Mollie: (pushing herself out from beneath the covers at the foot of the bed)

        Aren't you going to introduce me, then?

 

Edmund: What?

 

Mollie: Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?

 

Edmund: Oh very well, but I think you're making a terrible mistake. Baldrick,

        I'm delighted to introduce you to ... I'm sorry, I've forgotten your

        name.

 

Mollie: Mollie!

 

Edmund: Of course, Mollie. Baldrick, this is Mollie, a dear friend of mine.

 

Mollie: I'm not dear. I'm very reasonable actually, Baldrick. Most girls

        would charge an extra sixpence for all the horrible things he wants

        to do.

 

Edmund: Alright, alright. Baldrick, this is Mollie, an inexpensive prostitute.

        Mollie, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant. Now let me get some

        sleep.

 

Baldrick: Well, what about this priest?

 

Edmund: Tell him to take his sacred backside out of here, and what's more, if

        he comes begging again, tell him I shall report him to the Bishop of

        Bath and Wells, who drowns babies at their christening and eats them

        in the vestry afterwards.

 

Baldrick: Yes, My Lord.

 

Mollie: (sweetly) Bye, Baldrick!

 

Baldrick: (just as so) Bye bye, Mollie!

 

Edmund: Get out; go on! (Baldrick leaves) You're a one, aren't you? When you

        should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like "Goodness me,

        something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view

        between the sheets," you don't say a word, but enter the Creature

        From The Black Latrine and you won't stop jabbering.

 

Mollie: He was treating me like a human being.

 

Edmund: Look, if I had wanted a lecture on the rights of Man, I would have

        gone to bed with Martin Luther.

 

[Baldrick flies through the door, literally, and remains lying on the floor

 with door fragments.]

 

Edmund: (he had just put his head down, and remains so with his eyes closed)

        Yes, what is it, Baldrick?

 

Baldrick: It's that priest. He says he still wants to see you.

 

Edmund: And did you mention the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells?

 

Baldrick: I did, My Lord.

 

Edmund: And what did he say?

 

Bishop: (enters; shouts) He said, "I *am* the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and

        Wells!"

 

Edmund: (sits up with a start) Good lord!

 

Bishop: You haven't any children, have you, Blackadder.

 

Edmund: No, no, I'm not married.

 

Bishop: In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business.

        Do you know what day it is today?

 

Edmund: Er...

 

Bishop: It was exactly one year ago to the day that the Bank of the Black

        Monks of St. Herod -- "Banking with a smile and a stab" -- of which

        I am the assistant manager, lent you one thousand pounds. (kneels

        down to be face-to-face with Edmund, who begins cowering) Our motto

        is "Repayment or Revenge."

 

Edmund: Of course, and naturally I'd have paid you back, but -- and this is

        the real bugger -- I've gone and lost my wallet. Has that ever

        happened to you? Disasterous! It had all my things in it: all those

        little notes saying "Forget ye not" and, of course, all my money!

 

Bishop: That's no concern of mine. The debt is now due. Failure to pay back

        a loan is a sin, and we Black Monks, we HATE SIN!

 

[Bishop lifts up the sheets, revealing that Edmund -- dressed in a brief

 black loincloth -- is in bed with Mollie.]

 

Edmund: Ah. Erm, Your Grace, may introduce my mother ...  Mother, this is--

 

Bishop: (recognises Mollie) Good morning, my dear! (sits on the bed) I hope

        you haven't forgotten our appointment.

 

Mollie: (sweetly) Of course not, Pumpy!

 

Bishop: You know, I have a mind, my pretty, to play "Nuns and Novices," so

        don't forget your wimple.

 

Mollie: OK!

 

Bishop: (to Edmund) And, as for you, you come with me.

 

Edmund: (stands) Where?

 

Bishop: To visit the last poor fool who (draws his sword) LOST HIS WALLET!

        (hits Edmund's bare buttocks with sword; Edmund runs out)

 

 

	[at graveyard; a mad beggar is dancing around (the same one whom

         Edmund chases in the final credits of each episode).]

 

Edmund: (reading over a tombstone) "William Greeves: born 1513 in Chelshood

        with the love of Christ; died 1563 in ... agony with a spike up his

        bottom."

 

Beggar: (comes behind Edmund) Ah! 'Tis ever (in sown uncle?) with the Black

        Monks! (fondles the tombstone) Oh! Screamed, did he -- scream and

        gurgle as they skewered his catflap for once of a farthing!

 

Bishop: I think you get my message.

 

Edmund: (stands; the beggar grabs onto his leg; he tries to shake him off as

        he speaks) Erm, yes, yes indeed. But, tell me, Bishop, let me just

        test the water here, so to speak. Erm, supposing I was to say to you

        something like, "I'm a close friend of the Queen's, and I think she'd

        be very interested to hear about you and Mollie and the wimple, so

        why don't we just call it quits, eh, Fatso?"

 

Bishop: I would say, firstly, "The Queen would not believe you," and,

        secondly, (draws a hot poker) "You'll regret calling me `Fatso',

        later today!"

 

Edmund: Ah.

 

Bishop: I will have my money by Evensong tonight or ...

        YOUR BOTTOM WILL WISH IT HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!  (exits)

 

Beggar: (letting go of Edmund's leg finally, stands) Oh! Poor Tom's cold!

        Pity poor Tom, for his nose is frozen, and he does shiver, and

        HE'S MAD! (waving his arms quite dramatically)

 

Edmund: Oh shut up! (pushes the beggar into an open grave)

 

 

	(at Edmund's home)

 

Edmund: So, lads, I'm up a certain creek without a certain instrument.

        Either I raise a thousand pounds by this evening, or I get murdered.

        What should I do?

 

Baldrick: It's obvious.

 

Edmund: What?

 

Baldrick: You'll have to get murdered. You'll never raise that sort of money.

 

Percy: (looks up from his book, waves his handkerchief about, chuckling)

       Oh, come now, Baldrick. A piffling thousand? Pay the fellow, Edmund,

       and damn his impudence.

 

Edmund: I haven't got a thousand, dunghead! I've got 85 quid in the whole

        world! (holds up a small bag)

 

Percy: But you're always boasting to the Queen about how wealthy you are.

 

Edmund: Ah, a cunning web of deceit, subtly spun about the court to improve

        my standing, unfortunately.

 

Percy: (stands) What, do you mean you've been ... fibbing?

 

Edmund: (sits in chair by the door) Yep. My whole life has been a tissue of

        whoppers. I consider myself one of England's finest liars. (looks out

        the door) Oh, my god, Percy! A giant hummingbird is about to eat your

        hat and cloak!

 

Percy: Oh no! (runs out)

 

Edmund: (to Baldrick) You see? I'm terrific at it.

 

Percy: (comes back) It seems to have gone now. Well, couldn't you just dip 

       into the family fortune?

 

Edmund: There isn't one. My father blew it all on wine, women and amateur

        dramatics. At the end, he was eking out of a living doing

        humourous impressions of Anne of Cleeves.

 

Percy: (sympathetic) Oh, Edmund, I am sorry -- I had no idea. But do not

       despair, for I have some small savings carefully harvested from my

       weekly allowance, set aside against my frail old age. By lucky haps,

       it is just over a thousand, methinks, and has for years has been

       hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock...

 

Edmund and Percy: ...under the squeaky floorboard...

 

Baldrick, Edmund and Percy: ...behind the kitchen dresser.

 

Percy: (smiles, slightly warily) You've seen it!

 

Edmund: Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And same goes for the two farthings

        Baldrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato.

 

Baldrick: Oh, bloody hell!

 

Percy: Then you are doomed. Alas. For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet

       (sits on the floor) and tell sad stories.

 

Edmund: Certainly not! When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit 

        about.

 

Baldrick: You won't be able to sit about with a spike up your bottom.

 

Edmund: Well, exactly. (sits at his desk) But still, I've got 85 quid and

        that's a start. I'm sure I'll think of something, as long as I'm not

        disturbed.

 

[a messenger enters]

 

Messenger: My Lord, the Queen dost demand your urget presence on pain

           of death.

 

Edmund: Oh god! The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's

        own Satanic herd!

 

 

	[Edmund walks briskly up the hall and enters court.]

 

Edmund: Madam, you sent for me...

 

Queen: (playing chess with Melchett) Did I? I don't remember.

       What a naughty scatterbrain I am! (makes a move on the

       chess board) Zap! (takes off one of Melchett's pieces)

 

Edmund: Well, perhaps, Ma'am, if I might be allowed to withdraw, I have one

        or two tiny matters to attend to.

 

Queen: Certainly.

 

[Edmund bows, turns, and opens the doors. Melchett, Queen and Nursie break

 into laughter. Edmund turns back.]

 

Queen: That was a terrific joke, wasn't it?

 

Melchett: Oh, magnificent!

 

Nursie: And so naughty!

 

Edmund: What, My Lady?

 

Queen: I do know why I wanted to see you, and I just pretended I didn't,

       and I fooled you. And it worked brilliantly, didn't it!

 

Edmund: It was terrific, Madam. I thank God I wore my corset, because

        I think my sides have split. So why *did* you want to see me?

 

Queen: To crack the lovely joke.

 

Melchett: Or perhaps, Blackadder, you don't think the Queen's jokes are

          funny enough for you to be troubled with.

 

Edmund: Au contraire. I'm ecstatic about the whole incident. I only didn't

	laugh out loud because I was afraid if I did, my head would've

	fallen off.

 

Queen: If you don't start soon, your head *will* fall off! (all laugh) Now 

       pay Melchy his 85 pounds and run along.

 

[Melchett, sitting on the floor, his back to Edmund, holds out his hand.]

 

Edmund: 85 pounds?

 

Queen: We had a bet. I said that you wouldn't fall for my trick, and Melchy

       said you would because I'm so super and you're so stupid. So you owe

       him 85 pounds.

 

Edmund: Fine, fine. I mean, it's only money, isn't it! (gives it to Melchett)

 

 

	[Edmund's house, in hallway. Baldrick is sweeping the floor.

         Edmund enters.]

 

Edmund: I can *not* believe it! She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to

        Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal

        Woolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court and stood at the end of

        the passage pretending to be a door.

 

[Baldrick giggles]

 

Edmund: Oh, shut up, Baldrick -- you'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy.

 

Percy: (rushes out of the living room) Edmund, oh Edmund, I've awaited your

        return! (hugs him)

 

Edmund: And thank God you did, for I was just thinking, "My god! I die in 12

        hours. What I really need now is a hug from a complete prat!"

        (enters the living room)

 

Percy: But fear not, for I have a plan to save the life of my dear dear

       friend.

 

Edmund: Look, I'm not interested in your bloody friends! What about me?

 

Percy: (giggles) Not bad, Edmund. That's a good one.

 

Edmund: Oh, alright, then. (sits) What's your big plan, blockhead?

 

Percy: I intend to discover, this very afternoon, the secret of alchemy --

       the hidden art of turning base things into gold.

 

Edmund: I see, and the fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent

        people since the dawn of time doesn't dampen your spirits at all.

 

Percy: Oh no; I like a challenge! (exits, as Baldrick pours a drink)

 

Edmund: Well, Balders, I lost the 85 quid. The grave opens up before me

        like a ... big hole in the ground.

 

Baldrick: (gives the cup to Edmund) Well, I did have one idea, My Lord,

          but ... nah, it's stupid, you wouldn't... (turns to leave)

 

Edmund: What is it?

 

Baldrick: (turns back) Well, I have heard there's good money to be made down

          the docks, doing favours for sailors.

 

Edmund: Favours? What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons --

        that kind of thing?

 

Baldrick: Erm, not quite.

 

Edmund: (starts to stand) Baldrick!

 

Baldrick: My Lord?

 

Edmund: Are you suggesting that I become a rent boy?

 

Baldrick: Well, good-looking bloke like you, posh accent, nice legs -- you

          can make a (bomb?). Just stick a pink carnation in your hat and,

          er, make the old sign.

 

Edmund: I'd rather die.

 

Baldrick: Oh, fair enough, that's all right, then. I'll just put the kettle

          on while we wait, shall I? (turns to leave)

 

Edmund: (reaches out and grabs Baldrick's shoulder, turning him round)

        On second thought, with a slight alteration, your sick and sordid

        plan might just work.

 

 

	[at docks, Baldrick is dressed in Edmund's clothes. His hat has

         a pink carnation in it, and he holds a sign reading "GET -IT- HERE."

         He bounces seductively as a burly sailor named Arthur strides up.]

 

Arthur: Give me a kiss and I'll give you a penny.

 

Edmund: (comes from round the corner) A penny?!

 

Arthur: Well, alright then -- tuppence!

 

Edmund: Oh, all right, go on. (disappears behind the corner)

 

Arthur: Nothing fancy. Just a peck. I miss my mum, you see. When I a little

        kid, my mother always used to come up--

 

Edmund: (appears) Look, get a move on! He's a prostitute, not an agony aunt!

 

Arthur: Go on, please! Just a little peck on the cheek, and say, "There

        there, Arthur -- Mummy'll kiss it better, and you shall have a

        story."

 

Edmund: Well, I don't know. Do you do requests, Baldrick?

 

Baldrick: What, kinky stuff? Yeah, I'm game.

 

Arthur: Oh, go on, please! (crying) I miss my mother so much. I mean, she

        was like a mother to me!

 

Edmund: Well, alright, go on, Baldrick. (disappears)

 

Baldrick: (starts to reach up to Arthur's cheek, but pauses) I've forgotten

          what I'm supposed to say.

 

[Arthur cries]

 

Edmund: (appears, fed up) Get out of the way; I'll do it. (takes the sign)

        There there, Arthur (*smooch*). Mummy kiss it better, and you shall

        have a story.

 

Arthur: (excited) What kind of a story?

 

Edmund: Well, I don't know ... one about a squirrel, I suppose.

 

	[some time later]

 

Edmund: ...and then Squirry the Squirrel went...

 

Arthur and Baldrick: (everyone has their arms around each other)

                     ..."Neep neep neep!"...

 

Edmund: ...and they all went home for tea.

 

Arthur: Ah, thanks very much, me ol' shivering mateys! That was wonderful.

        (turns to Edmund) Now then, how much do you charge for a good

        hard shag?

 

Edmund: (nervous) A thousand pounds.

 

Arthur: A thousand pounds? You've got to be joking!

 

Edmund: Well, I'm sure we could negotiate. (tosses the sign to Baldrick)

 

[Arthur smiles at Baldrick]

 

 

	[back at Edmund's house]

 

Edmund: Right, so we've got sixpence.

 

Baldrick: Yeah, now all we need to do, My Lord, is to go down the cockfights

          and put it on a bird that's a dead cert but has got odds of forty

          thousand to one.

 

Edmund: Know you of such a bird?

 

Baldrick: No. But we could make one.

 

Edmund: No we couldn't, Baldrick. Oh god, I suppose you have to be told

        sometime. Sit down. What happens is: a mummy bird and a daddy bird

        who love each other very much get certain urges...

 

Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. What I mean is: we could get a mad wild killer

          bull, and disguise it as a bird, but it'll be such a strange-looking

          bird that no-one will back it, but we'll know it's a killer bull so

          we'll put money on it.

 

Edmund: Only we will know.

 

Baldrick: Yeah -- if we stick enough feathers on it and hang an egg between

          its legs.

 

Edmund: Yes, alright, alright, Baldrick. A chat with you and somehow death

        loses its sting.

 

Messenger: (enters) My Lord, the Queen dost demand your presence on pain of

           death.

 

Edmund: You're not making any friends here, you do know that, don't you,

        messenger!

 

 

	[Edmund runs up the hall and enters court.]

 

Edmund: Madam, you sent for me again.

 

Queen: Yes, Edmund. I wanted to apologise for the silly trick I played on you.

 

Edmund: Ah.

 

Queen: It was naughty and bad of me.

 

Nursie: It was, my little rosebud. If you weren't quite so big, it'd be

        time for Mr. and Mrs. Spank to pay a short sharp trip to Bottyland.

 

Queen: Thank you, Nursie. And thank you, Edmund.

 

Edmund: That's all...

 

Queen: Yes. Thanks for coming. (extends her hand to him vertically (to shake))

 

[Edmund quickly turns and opens the doors; court party cracks up as before.]

 

Queen: That was very funny too, wasn't it?

 

Edmund: My Lady?

 

Queen: Dragging you all the way across town again just to say sorry for

       dragging you all the way across town the first time! (stops laughing)

       It was Melchett's idea. I think it's wonderful, don't you?

 

Edmund: It's fantastic. Melchett, I prostrate myself at the feet of the

        world's greatest living comedian. (bows)

 

Queen: Oh, you are super, Edmund. Oh, Edmund, erm, I promised Lord Melchett

       that I would play [Sharp?] Halfpenny with him, but we have no coin.

       Do you have a halfpenny?

 

Edmund: Unfortunately, only a sixpence, Ma'am. What a shame!

 

Queen: Oh, no -- a sixpence will do just as well. (holds out her hand)

 

Edmund: Oh, good! (hands it over)

 

 

	[back home, Edmund enters the hallway, which is full of smoke]

 

Edmund: Oh god, this place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the 

        Hundred Years War! Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?

 

Percy: (rushes out the living room, dirtied) My Lord! Success!

 

Edmund: What?

 

Percy: (drags Edmund into the living room) After literally an hour's

       ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold. PURE GOLD!

 

Edmund: Are you sure?

 

Percy: Yes, My Lord! Behold! (uncovers the top; their faces get bathed in

       green light)

 

Edmund: Percy, it's green.

 

Percy: That's right, My Lord.

 

Edmund: Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour

        of gold is gold -- that's why it's called gold. What you have dis-

        covered, if it has a name, is some green.

 

Percy: (stupefied; picks up the green) Oh, Edmund, can it be true? that I

       hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?

 

Edmund: Indeed you do, Percy, except, of course, it's not only a nugget as

        it is more of a splat.

 

Percy: Well, yes, a splat today, but tomorrow, who knows? or dares to dream!

 

Edmund: So we three alone in all the world can create the finest green

        at will.

 

Percy: Thus so! (whispers) I'm not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.

 

Edmund: Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you,

        Percy.

 

Percy: (smiles) Perhaps, My Lord.

 

Edmund: That you, Percy -- Lord Percy -- are an utter berk!  Baldrick!

 

Baldrick: My Lord?

 

Edmund: Pack my bags; I'm going to sell the house.

 

Baldrick and Percy: (shocked) What?

 

Edmund: There's nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place, I

        know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been

	out. But needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick,

	go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder

	wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.

 

 

	[Later, Edmund shows his place to a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Pants]

 

Edmund: (coming in) ...and this is the den.

 

Mrs: (looks around) Ooh, dear.

 

Edmund: But I have to tell you, Mr. Pants, that I've had an extremely

        encouraging nibble from another client, and I think you know me

        well enough to know that I'm not the sort of man to ignore a nibble

        for long.

 

Mrs: I noticed some dry rot in the bedrooms, Timothy.

 

Edmund: Well, Mrs. Pants, dry rot is what dry rot does. (to Mr. Pants) Stop

        me if I'm getting too technical.

 

[Mr. Pants starts to speak, but is interrupted.]

 

Mrs: And the floor (??) is a little uneven.

 

Edmund: Indeed yes, Madam, and at no extra cost!

 

Mrs: Strange smell.

 

Edmund: Yes, that's the servant; he'll be gone.

 

Mr: You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?

 

Edmund: No, not really. This is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's

        called `wit'.

 

Mrs: What about the privies?

 

Edmund: When the master craftsman who created this home was looking at the

        sewage, he said to himself, "Romeo," -- for 'twas his name -- "Romeo,

        let's make them functional, and comfortable."

 

Mr: Oh, well, that seems nice, doesn't it, Dear!

 

Edmund: I think we understand each other, sir. So it's sold, then. (goes to

        a pot and pours into a cup) Drink?

 

Mrs: (insistent for a real answer) What about the privies?

 

Edmund: (doesn't give away either of the two cups he holds) Well, what we're

        talking about in, erm, privy terms is the very latest in front-wall,

        fresh-air orifices, combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation

        below.

 

Mrs: You mean you crap out of the window.

 

Edmund: Yes!

 

Mrs: Well! In that case, we'll *definitely* take it! (takes a cup from Edmund)

     I can't stand those dirty indoor things.

 

 

	[later, Edmund counts the money]

 

Edmund: There, that's the lot. He only wanted to pay a thousand, but I

        managed to beat him up to eleven hundred.

 

Percy: Oh, Edmund, you wily old trickster, you!

 

Edmund: Oh, credit where credit's due -- I just named the price; it was

        Baldrick who actually beat him up.

 

[Percy nods]

 

Edmund: Percy, what is that on the front of your tunic?

 

Percy: Ah! 'tis a brooch, My Lord -- a brooch cunningly fashioned from

       pure green.

 

Edmund: It looks like you've sneezed.

 

Percy: It is with trinkets such as this brooch, and here, a ring, that I

       intend to revive your fortunes and buy back your house!

 

Edmund: You think there's a big market for jewelry that looks like snot, then?

 

Percy: (upset) My Lord!

 

Edmund: The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since

        departed, hasn't he, Perce.

 

Messenger: (enters) My Lord--

 

Edmund: Ah, messenger, thank God you came. Percy and I could not have waited

        another second without you.

 

 

	[Edmund sprints up the hall and enters court, where the trio is

         hunched over a war map]

 

Edmund: Majesty!

 

Queen: Thank God you've arrived -- terrible news!

 

Edmund: What?

 

Melchett: The French intend to invade, Blackadder.

 

Edmund: My god!

 

Queen: So I need some money.

 

[Edmund, fearing the worst, falls down into the throne]

 

Melchett: Yes, every nobleman must pay 500 pounds towards the upkeep of the 

          navies.

 

Queen: But we've decided to make you a special case.

 

Edmund: (sitting up a bit) Oh, thank you, Ma'am!

 

Queen: Melchy here hasn't got a bean, so we thought, as you're so fabulously

       wealthy, you could pay for both!

 

Melchett: It would be awfully sweet of you.

 

Edmund: Yes, well, unfortunately, Ma'am, I'm in the middle of a cash-flow

        crisis and I just haven't got any money on me!

 

Queen: (looking down at him) But, Edmund...

 

Edmund: (realises that he's in the throne, expecting that this is what she

        is addressing him about) Sorry. (stands and moves across to his

        proper place)

 

Queen: ...what's that in your tights?  (points her figurine-moving stick

       at his groin)

 

Edmund: Oh, good lord. (he takes out a pouch)

 

Queen: It looks like ... just over a thousand pounds!

 

Edmund: So it is.

 

Queen: I thought you said you didn't have any.

 

Edmund: Oh, I thought you meant *real* money. This is just a bit of loose

        change. I must have left it in my codpiece when I sent these tights

        to the laundry.

 

Queen: Gosh, a thousand pounds just loose in your tights... That *is* flash!

       OK, hand it over. (he does) Thanks. 'bye. (turns back to the map,

       making whistles and `boom' noises as she plays with the figurines)

 

Edmund: Well, goodbye indeed. (backs out of the room slowly) 'bye, Ma'am.

        Goodbye, Melchett. Goodbye, Nursie. Byeee... (shuts the doors)

 

[Melchett peeks between doors to make sure he's gone; all crack up once more;

 Melchett falls to the floor; Nursie claps her hands; Queen falls onto

 Melchett; Nursie goes to her knees]

 

Queen: Silly old Edmund! He was completely fooled! That was a brilliant

       joke, Melchy!

 

Melchett: Brilliant, Ma'am!

 

Queen: (serious suddenly) And now I'm going to have you executed. (stands)

 

Melchett: (stammering) Majesty?

 

Queen: It's for taking the mickey out of my beloved Edmund so cruelly.

       I'm gonna knock your block off.

 

Melchett: (begging) But, Majesty, I only intended to please! Oh, please!

          I so want to live!!!

 

[Queen slowly breaks into laughter]

 

Nursie: Ooh! (slaps Queen's hand)

 

Melchett: Ah! (laughs forcedly)

 

[Nursie falls over; Queen falls onto her]

 

Melchett: (still faking a laugh, but obviously rather frightened and angry)

          Praise the Lord for the gift of laughter!

 

 

	[Edmund rushes into his living room]

 

Edmund: Right, Balders, I've lost the money. I'm going to have to run away.

 

Baldrick: Why, My Lord?

 

Edmund: To avoid these monks, of course!

 

Baldrick: No point -- the Black Bank's got branches everywhere.

 

Edmund: Oh damn! (falls to the floor) If I die, Baldrick, do you think people

        would remember me?

 

Baldrick: (stepping over Edmund as he continues packing) Yeah, of course they

          would.

 

Edmund: Yes, I suppose so.

 

Baldrick: Yeah. People would always be slapping each other on the shoulders

          and laughing, and saying "Do you remember old Privy-breath?"

 

Edmund: Do people call me `Privy-breath'?

 

Baldrick: Yeah, the ones who like you.

 

Edmund: Am I then not popular?

 

Baldrick: Erm, well, put it this way: when people slip in what dogs have left

          in the street, they do tend to say "Whoops, I've trod on an Edmund."

 

Edmund: (stands) Bloody cheek! I'll show them. 

 

Baldrick: What, have you got a plan, My Lord?

 

Edmund: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with

        it! All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel, some

        sleeping draught, lots of paper, a prostitute and the best portrait

        painter in England.

 

Baldrick: I'll get them right away, My Lord! (rushes out)

 

 

	[later, enter Baldrick and painter]

 

Baldrick: My Lord, the most famous painter in England: Mr. Leonardo Acropolis.

 

Edmund: Right, are you any good?

 

Leonardo: (turns away, speaks in silly Italian accent) No! I am ... a genius!

 

Edmund: Well, you'd better be, or you're dead!

 

[Leonardo sticks out his tongue; there's pounding on the front door]

 

Edmund: Right, in the bedroom, Beardface. Baldrick, get the door.

 

Baldrick: My Lord.

 

[Baldrick and Leonardo leave; Edmund shuts the door behind them and then

 sits down, puts his feet up, and begins reading a book.  Baldrick flies

 through the door, again quite literally, and lies on the floor with the

 shrapnel.]

 

Baldrick: My Lord, the Bishop of Bath and Wells.

 

Bishop: (enters) The time has come, Blackadder!

 

Edmund: Oh, hello, Bish.

 

Bishop: The Black Monks will have their money, or I will have my fun.

 

Edmund: You enjoy your work, don't you?

 

Bishop: Bits of it, yeah.

 

Edmund: The violent bits.

 

Bishop: Yes. (begins massaging Edmund's shoulders) You see, I am a colossal

        pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. Animal,

        vegetable or mineral -- I'll do anything to anything.

 

Edmund: Fine words for a Bishop. It's nice to hear the Church speaking out

        for a change on social issues. 

 

Bishop: Have you got the money?

 

Edmund: Nope.

 

Bishop: Good. I hate it when people pay up. Say your prayers, Blackadder.

        (holds out the hot poker) IT'S POKER TIME!!!

 

Edmund: Fine. (closes the book and sets it down, then stands) Are you ever

        concerned that people might find you out?

 

Bishop: No. No, no, I kill, I maim, I fornicate, but as far as my flock is

        concerned my only vice is a little tibble before Evensong. (Baldrick

        hands him a drink) Oh, thank you. (drinks) BEND OVER, BLACKADDER!

 

[Edmund complies]

 

Bishop: THIS IS WHERE YOU GET-- (staggers backward, choking) DRUGGED BY GOD!

 

Edmund: No, by Baldrick, actually, but the effect is much the same.

 

 

	[in bedroom; Edmund pulls open a curtain, behind which Bishop

         lies in bed]

 

Edmund: Wakey, wakey, Bish. Dear me, you clerics really are sluggerbeds.

 

Bishop: (groggy) Where am I? I remember...drugged...

 

Edmund: That's right.

 

Bishop: You should have killed me while you had the chance. (sits up)

        You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Blackadder!

 

Edmund: Well, I'm not sure about that. I did wonder, though, what people who

        saw this might think.

 

[Baldrick stands nearby, holding a portrait]

 

Bishop: Heavens above, what creatures from Hell are those?

 

Edmund: They make an interesting couple, don't they? I think you probably

        recognise this huge, sweating mound of blubber here, eh, Fatso?

 

[Bishop charges toward the portrait, but Edmund pushes him back to the bed]

 

Edmund: There's no point, anyway; we have the peliminary sketches. We'll

        soon bang off a couple of copies. Let's see, one for the Queen, one

        for the Archbishop, a couple kept aside, perhaps, to form the basis

        of an exciting exhibition of a challenging young artist's work.

 

Bishop: By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position?

 

Edmund: It's beautifully framed, don't you think? which is ironic, really,

        because that's exactly what's happened to you.

 

Bishop: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded

        perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?

 

Edmund: No, I could never get used to the underwear.

 

[Bishop nods in apprehension]

 

Edmund: What I could use, though, is, let's say eleven hundred pounds to buy

        back my house, four thousand pounds to cover some sundry expenses,

        ten shillings for the two doors, and let's say throppence for a

        celebratory slapper binge at Mrs. Miggins' pie shop...  (last bit

        said to Baldrick)

 

[Baldrick smiles and nods]

 

Bishop: Yes, yes, but first, one question: Who is this second figure? Who

        could you have got to have performed such deeds, to have gone lower

        than man has ever gone, to have plunged the depths of degradation

        just in order to save your filthy life?!!!

 

[From beneath the covers, Percy wakes and sits up.  He is dressed in red

 leather with chains and assorted items.]

 

Edmund: Ah, Percy, may I introduce His Grace, the Bishop of Bath and Wells. 

        Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy, Heir to the Duchy of Northumberland.

 

Percy: (speaks weakly) Hello. (shakes Bishop's hand) It was lovely working

       with you.

 

	[As the theme music plays, the bard dances down the path.  Edmund

         walks a short distance behind, and puts his hands on his hips as

         he looks back at the camera.  Edmund then walks again toward the

         bard, who then continues moving down the path.  Edmund motions for

         him to stop, but he doesn't.  Edmund begins to trot as the bard

         dances around to behind the fountain.  Edmund begins to jog as

         the bard dances down the path further.  Edmund runs, but the bard

         still eludes him as he half dances, half runs down the path, into

         the distance.]

 

Edmund Blackadder			Take heed the moral of this tale

 ROWAN ATKINSON				Be not a borrower or lender

 

Lord Percy				And if your finances do fail

 TIM McINNERNY				Make sure your banker's not a bender

 

Baldrick				Blackadder, Blackadder

 TONY ROBINSON				He trusted in the Church

 

Queen Elizabeth I			Blackadder, Blackadder

 MIRANDA RICHARDSON			It left him in the lurch

 

Lord Melchett				Blackadder, Blackadder

 STEPHEN FRY				His life was almost done

 

Nursie					Blackadder, Blackadder

 PATSY BYRNE				Who gives a toss?  No-one.

 

Bishop of Bath & Wells

 RONALD LACEY

 

Mollie

 CASSIE STUART

 

Mrs. Pants

 LESLEY NICOL

 

Arthur the Sailor

 JOHN PIERCE JONES

 

Mad Beggar

 TONY AITKEN

 

Leonardo Acropolis

 PHILIP POPE

 

Messenger

 PIERS IBBOTSON

 

Mr. Pants

 BARRY CRAINE

 

 

Music by

 HOWARD GOODALL

 

Graphic Designer

 GRAHAM KERN

 

Properties Buyer

 MONICA BOGGUST

 

Costume Designer

 ANNIE HARDINGE

 

Make-Up Designer

 VICKY POCOCK

 

Production Assistant

 AMITA LOCHAB

 

Assistant Floor Manager

 SARAH GOWERS

 

Vision Mixer

 HEATHER GILDER

 

Senior Camerman

 JOHN DAILLEY

 

Videotape Editor

 CHRIS WADSWORTH

 

Studio Lighting

 DON BABBAGE

 

Studio Sound

 NEIL SADWICK

 

Technical Co-Ordinator

 RAY HIDER

 

Production Manager

 PRUE SAENGER

 

Designer

 ANTONY THORPE

 

 

Director

 MANDIE FLETCHER

 

 

Producer

 JOHN LLOYD

 

(C) BBC MCMLXXXV A.D.

 

 

T h e   E n d

 









Back to top of Part 2

Part II Episode 5: Beer


An embarrassing incident with a turnip, an ostrich feather, and a fanatically puritan aunt lead to a right royal to-do in the Blackadder household.


	[Edmund's house.  Lords Percy Percy and Edmund Blackadder are

	 eating breakfast.]

 

Percy:	I must say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your

	breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.

 

Edmund:  Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and

	 intelligent company, so that, through learned discourse, he may

	 rise above the savage and closer to God.

 

Percy:	Yes, I've heard that.

 

Edmund:  Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead

	 to remind me I'm best.

 

Percy:  Beshrew me, Edmund!  You're in good fooling this morning.

 

Edmund:  Don't say `beshrew me', Percy -- only stupid actors say `beshrew me'.

 

Percy:  Oh, how I would love to be an actor!  I had a great talent for it in

	my youth -- I was the man of a thousand faces.

 

Edmund:  How'd you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now, then?

	 [He begins reading a note.]

 

Percy:  Hah hah! Tush, My Lord.

 

Edmund:  ...and don't say `tush', either!  It's only a short step from `tush'

	 to `hey nonny nonny'; and then, I'm afraid, I'll shall have to call

	 the police.

	 [Looks at the note once more.]

	 Well!  God pats me on the head and says, "Good boy, Edmund!"

 

Percy:	My Lord...?

 

Edmund:  My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, the two most fanatical

	 puritans in England, have invited themselves to dinner here tonight.

 

Percy:	But aren't they the most frightful bores?

 

Edmund:  Yep, but they have one great redeeming feature -- their wallets.

	 More capacious than an elephant's scrotum, and just as difficult

	 to get your hands on...at least until now, for, tonight, they wish

	 to discuss my inheritance.  [runs his fingers through his hair]

 

Percy:  [stands quickly] Hey nonny nonny, My Lord! Good news!

	[he holds out a hand as though expecting Edmund to shake it]

 

Edmund:  [calls] Baldrick!

 

	[Baldrick enters, wearing an apparatus on his head which is dangling

	 a piece of cheese from the end of his nose.  Edmund begins to speak

	 about something, then notices.]

 

Edmund:  [calmly]  Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end

	 of your nose?

 

Baldrick:  To catch mice, My Lord.  I lie on the floor with my mouth open

	   and hope they scurry in.

 

Edmund:  ...and do they?

 

Baldrick:  Not yet, My Lord.

 

Edmund:  Well, I'm not surprised -- your breath comes straight from Satan's

	 bottom, Baldrick.  The only sort of mouse you're going to catch is

	 one without a nose.

 

Baldrick:  That's a pity, because the nose is the best bit on a mouse.

 

Edmund:  Any bit of a mouse would seem like luxury compared to what Percy

	 and I must eat tonight.  We are entertaining puritan vegetable folk,

	 Balders; and that means no meat.

 

Baldrick:  In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise.

 

Edmund:  and the surprise is...?

 

Baldrick:  ...there's nothing else in it except the turnip.

 

Edmund:  So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be...a turnip.

 

Baldrick:  [realisation]  Oh yeah...

 

	[There is a knock at the door.]

 

Edmund:  Get the door, Baldrick, get the door...

 

	[Baldrick leaves.]

 

Percy:  Well, now, if things go as planned tonight, it seems congratulations

	are in order...

	[he holds out a hand as though expecting Edmund to shake it]

 

Edmund:  Nice try, Percy, but forget it -- you're not getting a penny.

	 [he goes to sit in the chair at the doorway to the room]

 

	[A tremendous noise of wood being bent and broken fills the room.

	 Baldrick enters, carrying a door.]

 

Edmund:  [looks at what Baldrick is carrying; is not surprised; speaks calmly]

	 Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about

	 to give phenomenally good.

 

Baldrick:  You said, "Get the door."

 

Edmund:  Not good enough.  You're fired.

 

Baldrick:  But, My Lord, I've been in your family since 1532!

 

Edmund:  So has syphilis.  Now get out.

 

Baldrick:  [obscured by laughter], My Lord.  [starts to leave but returns]

	   Oh, by the way: there was a messenger outside when I got the door.

	   He says the Queen wants to see you; Lord Melchett is very sick.

 

Edmund:  [stands up excited]  Really...!

 

Baldrick:  Yeah -- he's at Death's door.

 

Edmund:  Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and

	 open it for him, then!

 

 

	[Scene changes to a large room.  Melchett is lying on a bed with

	 a hand on his head.  Queen Elizabeth is fanning his face with her

	 hand.  Nursie pushes on Melchett's stomach.  Edmund enters.]

 

Queen:  Edmund!  Quick! Quick!  Melchett's dying!  We must do something!

 

Edmund:  Well, yes, of course... er, some sort of celebration...

	 But let's wait until he's actually snuffed it, shall we?

 

Queen:  Nursie's old methods don't seem to be working...

 

Nursie:  Come on, little tummy...

 

Queen:	[goes across the room, to speak privately with Edmund]

	It all started last night at about two o'clock.  I was tucked

	into bed having this absolutely scrummy dream about ponies when

	I was wakened by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett.

 

Edmund:  [grins at the double entendre]  Well! I never knew he had it in him.

 

Queen:  It's true, I promise!  He was banging on the castle gate, falling

	over, and singing a strange song about a girl who possessed something

	called a...dicky-di-do?

 

Edmund:  Oh, yes, it's a lovely old hymn, isn't it...  [returns to the bed]

	 Well, Ma'am, I think I know what's wrong with Lord Melchett,

	 and, unfortunately, it isn't fatal.

 

Queen:	Well, hurry up and cure the horrible man -- I'm fed up with him lying

	there moaning and groaning...

 

Nursie:  ...and letting off such great and fruitsome flappy woof-woofs!

	 One can scarcely...one can't believe one's tiny nosy!

 

Edmund:  The truth is: Lord Melchett just can't take his ale.

 

Melchett:  [sitting up]  Madam, I protest!  I may be a little delicate this

	   morning, but what I drank last night would have floored a

	   rhinocerous!

 

Edmund:  ...if it was allergic to lemonade...

 

Melchett:  It's Blackadder here who can't take his ale -- he's famous for it!

 

Edmund:  Oh yeah?

 

Melchett:  Yeah!

 

Edmund:  Yeah?

 

Melchett:  Yeah!

 

Queen:  Oh, [???] this is so exciting -- the boys are getting tough!

 

Melchett:  Well, I'm sure we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the

	   visit of the King of Austria when Blackadder was found wandering

	   naked among the corridors of Hampton Court singing, "I'm Merlin,

	   The Happy Pig!"

 

Edmund:  So, what did you have last night, then? a whole half-pint of 

	 potato juice?

 

Melchett:  On the contrary! I had two flagons of claret and a double helping

	   of curried turtle!  I can assure you: it's no holds barred with

	   us at the annual communion-wine tasting.

 

Edmund:  Annual! Hah!  For me and the wild boys, every night is drinking

	 night!

 

Melchett:  Says who?

 

Edmund:  Says me!

 

Melchett:  Says you?

 

Edmund:  Yeah!

 

Melchett:  [expecting that Edmund is bragging]  eeaaaahh...

 

Edmund:  You ought to come around sometime and have a look at the

	 underside of >my< table!

 

Melchett:  Bah...

 

Queen:  ...tonight!!!

 

Melchett:  [suddenly in his senses, speaks feebly]  Er, tonight?

 

Edmund:  [not in his senses]  Yeah! Come on, Melchy -- what are you

	 scared of?

 

Queen:  Perhaps you're right.  [in a child's taunt] Perhaps he's a [????].

 

Melchett:  Oh, all right then -- tonight.  I'll be there.

 

Queen:  Hurray.  and last one under the table gets...ten thousand florins

	from the loser.

 

Edmund:  [shocked]  Ma'am...?  Er... right...  Well, I'll get the beer in,

	 then.  [bows, puts a thumb to his nose and wiggles his fingers at

         Melchett.  Leaves]

 

Queen:  [Stands at the door]  Nursie...

 

Nursie:  Hmm?  [goes to speak privately with Queen]

 

Queen:	[whispering]  Do you know what I'm going to do?

 

Nursie:  What?

 

Queen:  I'm going to go along and find out exactly what happens at these

	boys' nights.

 

Nursie:  Good idea, poppet.

 

Queen:	...and I'll wear a cloak with a cowl, so no-one will recognise me.

 

Nursie:  Oh, that's another good idea.  You're so clever today, you better

	 be careful your foot doesn't fall off.

 

Queen:  Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas?

	Your foot falls off?

 

Nursie:  It certainly does.  My brother, he had this brilliant idea of

	 cutting his toenails with a scythe, and >his< foot fell off...

 

 

	[Scene changes to Edmund's house.  Percy has quill in hand, taking

	 notes for Edmund, who paces the room.]

 

Edmund:  Right, now; the sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive

	 drunken lout with the intelligence of a four year old and the

	 sexual sophistication of a donkey.

 

Percy:  [thinks]  Cardinal Woolsey...  [writes]

 

Edmund:  [calls]  Baldrick!

 

	[Baldrick enters, but his apparatus is dangling a mouse this time.]

 

Baldrick:  My Lord...?

 

Edmund:  Why?

 

Baldrick:  I got fed up with the all-mouse diet, My Lord.  I thought I'd try

	   cat for variety.

 

Edmund:  Good. Well done. and now, returning to the real world: Do you have

	 a knife?

 

Baldrick:  Yeah.

 

Edmund:  Good, because I wish to quickly send off some party invitations,

	 and, to make them look particularly tough, I wish to write them

	 in blood -- your blood, to be precise.

 

Baldrick:  So, how much blood will you actually be requiring, My Lord?

 

Edmund:  Oh, nothing much -- just a small puddle.

 

Baldrick:  Will you want me to cut anything off? an arm or a leg, for

	   instance?

 

Edmund:  Oh, good lord, no -- a little prick should do.

 

Baldrick:  Very well, My Lord; I am your bondsman and must obey. [sticks his

	   knife down his trousers and begins sawing]

 

Edmund:  For God's sake, Baldrick! I meant a little prick on your finger!

 

Baldrick:  [nearly crying]  I haven't got one there!

 

Edmund:  Forget it, forget it...  [motions for Baldrick to leave]

 

Baldrick:  Thank you, My Lord.  [leaves]

 

Edmund:  Right, now; Perce... How's this list going?

 

Percy:	Oh, very well indeed.  I thought we could invite my girlfriend,

	Gwendoline...

 

Edmund:  Sorry -- no chicks.  Who else?

 

Percy:  Well, that's about as far as I'd got, actually.

 

Edmund:  Right.  I'll dictate.  First: Simon Partridge.

 

Percy:  Oh, not Farter's Parters, also known as Mr Ostrich...!

 

Edmund:  Even he...

 

Percy:  But he's a fearful oik!

 

Edmund:  Takes one to know one, Perce.  Secondly: Sir Geoffrey Piddle.

 

Percy:	Here's-To-The-Health-Of-Cardinal-Chunder Piddle?

 

Edmund:  The very same...  and, thirdly: Freddie Frobisher, the Flatulent

	 Hermit of Lindisfarne.

 

Percy:  [holds his nose]  Oh, paugh paugh!

 

Edmund:  Right. That should do the trick.

 

Percy:	Oh! and, of course, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, who'll be coming

	anyway...

 

Edmund:  Oh y--  ...oh, no...

 

 

	[Scene changes to the throne room.  Queen is on the throne, Nursie

	 is in her normal chair to the left (she is knitting), and Edmund

	 is kneeled on one knee before Queen.]

 

Queen:	I must say, Edmund, it does look a teeny bit like trying to get

	out of it.

 

Edmund:  [frantic]  Quite the wrong impression, Ma'am.  I just want to

	 make it another night, that's all.

 

Nursie:  Certainly not!

 

Queen:	I beg your pardon...?

 

Nursie:  Well, it's just one excuse after another, isn't it?  Next thing,

	 he'll be trying to get out of having his bath altogether.

 

	[Edmund is quite confused.]

 

Queen:	He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.

 

Nursie:  Well, he should be!  How else is he going to keep clean?

	 Soon he'll be saying he doesn't want his nappy changed!

 

Queen:  Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.

 

Nursie:  Well, in that case, it's even more important that he has a bath!

 

Queen:	[tired of the interruptions]  Oh, shut up, Nursie.

	[to Edmund]  I know why you want to get out of it, because I

	remember the last time you had a party -- I found you face-down

	in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.

 

Edmund:  [stands]  Yes, all right! All right!  Tonight it is.

 

Queen:  [smiles, a bit turned on]  Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get

	cross.  Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the

	expression on your face.

 

	[Edmund grins uneasily.]

 

 

	[Scene changes to the room in Edmund's house to the right after

	 entering through the main door.  Edmund, Baldrick and Percy enter.

	 Baldrick no longer wears his apparatus.]

 

Edmund:  Right, now; let's make sure you've got this.  We are having two

	 parties here tonight...

 

Baldrick:  Right.

 

Percy:  Right.

 

Edmund:  ...and they must be kept completely separate.

 

Baldrick & Percy:  Right.

 

Edmund:  Firstly, a total piss-up -- involving beer throwing, broken furniture

	 and wall-to-wall vomiting -- to be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.

 

Baldrick:  Oh, thank you very much, My Lord!  [Percy pats him on the shoulder

	   in congratulations]

 

	[Edmund goes to the main living room of the house (where the previous

	 house scenes have taken place).]

 

Edmund:  Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating.

	 Is the Turnip Surprise ready?

 

	[Baldrick and Percy begin giggling.]

 

Baldrick:  Yes, it is, My Lord.

 

Edmund:  Then what is so funny?

 

Percy:  Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip

	Surprise, >we< had a surprise -- we came across a turnip that was

	exactly the same shape...as a thingy!

 

	[Percy and Baldrick laugh.]

 

Edmund:  [not amused]  ...a thingy...

 

Baldrick:  ...a great big thingy!  It was terrific.

 

Edmund:  Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick.  Most horses are very

	 well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive

	 lovers.  I trust you have removed this hilarious item...?

 

Baldrick:  Oh, yes, yes, My Lord.

 

Edmund:  Good, because there's nothing more likely to stop an inheritance

	 than a thingy-shaped turnip.

 

Percy:  Absolutely, Edmund.  ...but it was jolly funny!  [laughs more]

 

Edmund:  Yes, yes, yes...

 

Baldrick:  I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I've got

	   a thingy that's shaped like a turnip!

 

Edmund:  Yes, all right...

 

Baldrick:  I'm quite [?] at parties...

 

Edmund:  [not interested]  are you...

 

Baldrick:  Yeah -- I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children.

 

Edmund:  What fun...  Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having

	 a drinking competition here tonight with Lord Melchett, and ten

	 thousand florins are at stake!

 

Baldrick:  Oh dear...

 

Edmund:  What do you mean?

 

Baldrick:  Well, firstly: you haven't got ten thousand florins; and,

	   thirdly: one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face

	   and start singing that song about the goblin.

 

Edmund:  That's nonsense.  ... ... ... but just in case it's true--

 

Baldrick:  [to Percy]  It is true -- I saw it!

 

Edmund:  Yes, all right, all right, it's true, it's true...

	 So, the plan is: When I call for my Incredibly Strong Ale,

	 you must pass me water in an ale bottle.  Have you got that?

 

Baldrick:  Yeah -- when you call for ale, I pass water.

 

Edmund:  Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.

 

Percy:  [tries to act suave]  Ah, I think you can trust me to know how to

	handle a woman.

 

Edmund:  Oh god...

 

	[There is a knock at the door.]

 

Edmund:  Right, here goes...

 

	[Edmund goes to the front door.  Baldrick brushes Edmund's clothing

	 for a moment.]

 

Edmund:  [motioning for Baldrick to stop]  It's all right...

 

	[Baldrick opens the closet door and tosses the brush in.

	 Edmund opens the front door.  Aunt and Uncle's clothing is

	 all white, with a large cross around the neck, a cross sticking

	 out of each shoulder, and a white helmet with a cross sticking

	 out the top.]

 

Edmund:  Uncle! Aunt!  Greetings!  How nice it is to see you.

	 [He leans over and kisses Aunt on each cheek.]

 

Aunt:  [slaps Edmund twice]  Wicked child!!!  Don't lie!  Everyone hates us,

       and you know it!

 

Edmund:  Oh yes.  Er, may I introduce my friend Lord Percy...?

 

Percy:  [suave]  Well well well, Eddy!  You didn't tell me you had

	such a good-looking aunt!

 

	[Edmund waves at him to shut up.  Aunt is shocked.]

 

Percy:	Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness!  I know what I like,

	and I like what I see!

 

Aunt:  [slaps Percy]  Be gone, Satan!  [heads to the main room]

 

Edmund:  Er, yes, well, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance...

	 Did I say `inheritance'?  I meant `journey'.

	 [motions around the table]  If you'd just like to help yourself

	 to a legacy -- er, a chair...

 

Aunt:  `Chair'?  You have chairs in your house?

 

Edmund:  Oh, yes.

 

Aunt:  [slaps him twice]  Wicked child!!!  Chairs are an invention of Satan!

       In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!

 

Edmund:  ...and yourself...?

 

Aunt:  I sit on Nathaniel -- two spikes would be an extravagance.

 

Edmund:  Well, quite.

 

Aunt:  I will suffer comfort this once -- we shall just have to stick

       forks in our legs between courses.  [sits]  I trust you remember

       we eat no meat...?  [Uncle, off-camera, has sat too.]

 

Edmund:  Heaven forbid, no!  [Goes to sit at the end of the table;

	 Percy sits at the other end]  Here, we feast only on God's

	 lovely turnip -- mashed.

 

Aunt:  [stands suddenly]  Mashed?!

 

Edmund:  Yes...

 

Aunt:  [slaps him twice]  Wicked child!!!  Mashing is also the work of

       Beelzebub -- for Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it

       and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape.

 

Edmund:  Ah.

 

Aunt:  I shall have my turnip as God intended.  [sits]

 

Edmund:  Fine.  [calls]  Baldrick!

 

	[Baldrick enters.]

 

Baldrick:  My Lord...?

 

Edmund:  Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please?

 

Baldrick:  Well, we've only got the one that--

 

Edmund:  [Interrupts, wanting to show authority in front of his servant

         to Aunt and Uncle]  Just do it, thank you.

 

	[Baldrick leaves.]

 

Edmund:  [to Uncle]  So, Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed, or as

	 God intended?

 

Aunt:  He will not answer you; he has taken a vow of silence.

       [Uncle looks quite unhappy]  I believe that silence is golden.

 

	[Edmund begins to say something like "Oh, I see" but decides it's

	 better to be golden.  Aunt gives him an approving look.]

 

	[Pause]

 

	[Edmund, still not wanting to speak, but also wanting to get to the

	 topic he wants to talk about, clears his thoat, making the word

	 `inheritance' as he does so.]

 

	[There is a noisy knock on the front door.]

 

Aunt:  Edmund! I trust you have invited no other guests...?

 

Edmund:  Oh, certainly not!

 

Aunt:  Good -- for where there are other guests there are people to

       fornicate with!

 

Edmund:  Well, quite.

 

	[More knocking on the front door.]

 

Edmund:  I'll just go and tell them to fornicate off.  [motions over to

	 Percy]  Lord Percy...  [leaves]

 

Percy:  Erm, er, yes, er, well, Lord Whiteadder, er, a vow of silence...

	Now, that's quite an interesting thing... Tell me about it.

 

	[In the hall, Edmund leaves his bedroom wearing a pair of false

	 breasts over his clothing, then goes to the front door and opens

	 it.  Monk, Partridge (holding an ostrich feather) and Piddle enter,

	 also wearing false breasts over their clothing.  Monk wears a hat

	 with a chicken on it; Partridge wears a hat with a model of a ship

	 on it, and Piddle wears a hat with bells and something I can't

	 describe -- like a May pole.  They sing.]

 

	"Happy Birthday to you!

	 Happy Birthday to you!

	 Happy Birthday, Eddy-baby!

	 Happy Birthday to you!"

 

	[In the main room, Aunt can hear, and doesn't know what to make of it;

	 Percy is unable to think of an explanation.]

 

Edmund:  [loudly so Aunt can hear]  But it's not my birthday, Arch Deacon!

 

	[In the main room, Aunt nods and smiles.  Percy is relieved.]

 

	[Edmund leads the group into Baldrick's bedroom.]

 

Edmund:  Well, well, get stuck in, boys.

 

Partridge:  `Stuck in'! Way-hey! Get it?

 

Monk:  No...  [Piddle doesn't, either]

 

Partridge:  Well, it sounds a bit rude, doesn't it!  `Stuck >in<'!

 

	[The boozers laugh, as there's a knock at the front door.]

 

Edmund:  Er, sorry -- back in a tick.  [leaves]

 

Partridge:  Way-hey! `Tick', eh, lads?  Now; that sounds a bit rude,

	    doesn't it...  That sounds a bit like `bum'.

 

	[They laugh.]

 

	[Edmund, in the hallway, opens the front door.  Melchett enters.]

 

Edmund:  Ah, Melchett -- late, I see, to avoid the early drinking.

	 Oh, Melchy, you really are a beginner -- you're not even

	 wearing a pair of comedy breasts!

 

Melchett:  [opens his coat to reveal gold false breasts]

	   Au contraire, Blackadder...

 

Edmund:  Yes, well, well, let's wait until we get down to the really serious

	 drinking, shall we?

 

Melchett:  [has moved to the door of the main room]  In here?

 

Edmund:  Er, no, no, it's this way.  [shows Melchett to Baldrick's bedroom]

	 Here we are.

 

	[As they enter, the three boozers are bent over, shaking their

	 backsides and saying "Whoa!" rising in pitch.]

 

Melchett:  Good evening, er...

 

Edmund:  Lads, this is Lord Melchett.

 

	[They cheer.]

 

Edmund:  Er, give him a large one, will you?

 

Partridge:  `Large one'! Way-hey! Get it?

 

Piddle:  No...

 

Partridge:  Yes you do!  `Large one'!  Sounds a bit rude!

 

Piddle:  Oh yes!  `Large one'!

 

	[The boozers laugh.]

 

Edmund:  You may find the conversation a bit above your head at first,

	 Melchy, but you'll soon get used to it.  Well, er, [taking a mug

	 and raising it] down the hatch!

 

	[The boozers cheer, as Edmund leaves and tosses the drink in the

	 closet.  He goes to the door of the main room, about to remove

	 the breasts, when there is a rhythmic knock on the door.  In the

	 main room, Percy knocks an answering rhythm on the table.  Edmund

	 opens the front door.  Queen is wrapped in a cowled cloak, and

	 tries to disguise her voice.]

 

Queen:  I heard there was a party on.

 

Edmund:  [not knowing who it is]  No. Yes, there are two, and you are

	 invited to neither.  [begins to close the door, but Queen speaks]

 

Queen:  I'm a friend of Lord Percy.

 

Edmund:  Oh, you must be Gwendoline!  You were invited anyway.  Come in, do.

 

Queen:  Thank you very much.  [enters]

 

Edmund:  It's in here...  [opens the closet door, pushes Queen in, closes the

	 closet door and locks it]

 

	[Edmund enters the main room again at last, but has forgotten about

	 his false breasts.]

 

Edmund:  I'm sorry about that.  [obscured by laughter]  [sits]

 

Percy:  [with his hand over his mouth, tries to warn Edmund]

	agh... agh...aaagh!

 

Edmund:  [to Uncle]  Sorry, he's sick -- leprosy...of the brain.

 

Aunt:  That, or what he is trying to tell you is that you appear to be

       wearing a pair of devil's dumplings!

 

Edmund:  [looks down at the breasts, double-takes]  Oh my god -- my earmuffs

	 have fallen down!  [puts the breasts over his head so they cover

	 his ears]  It's getting, er, would you like a pair?  It is getting

	 rather cold... [??]

 

Aunt:  No thank you!  Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more catholics!

 

Edmund:  Well, quite -- which reminds me, Aunty--

 

Aunt:  [stands up]  Don't call me `Aunty'!!!  [slaps him twice]

       `Aunt' is a relative, and relatives are evidence of sex,

       and sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table.  [sits]

 

Edmund:  ...or, indeed, any table.

 

Percy:  ...except, perhaps, a table in a brothel.

 

Edmund:  [kicks Percy off his chair]  Oh dear, Percy, it seems you have

	 fallen off your chair.

 

	[Baldrick enters, carrying a plate on which sits the thingy-shaped

	 turnip]

 

Edmund:  Now then, what was I saying?  [sees the turnip and speaks without

	 a pause]  Oh my god...

 

Baldrick:  [to Aunt]  Your turnip, My Lady...

 

Aunt:  [picks up the turnip, holds it in front of her, her eyes wide]

       Very good! Very good!  [bites into it, then points it at Uncle,

       and speaks to him]  You know, Nathaniel, it takes me right back

       to our wedding night.

 

	[Uncle's eyes open wide, in surprise.  Baldrick has left.]

 

Aunt:  [to Edmund]  We had raw turnips that night.

 

	[Drunken cheering is heard.]

 

Aunt:  What was that?

 

Edmund:  What was what?

 

Aunt:  That noise.

 

Edmund:  Noise?  [turns his head and lifts a breast off an ear]

	 Did you hear a noise, Percy?

 

Percy:  No...

 

Edmund:  Good.

 

Percy:  ...apart from that colossal drunken roar.

 

Edmund:  [kicks Percy off his chair]  Oh, >that< noise -- it's the

	 catholics next door, I'm afraid.

 

Aunt:  [stands angrily, makes a very disapproving noise]

 

Edmund:  Er, but, I'll, I'll just go and burn them.  Back in a minute.

	 [stands]  Percy...  [leaves]

 

	[In the hall, Baldrick replaces Edmund's false breasts, and fits a

	 false nose to Edmund's forehead, then dusts him off a bit.  As

	 Edmund goes down the hall, he hears pounding from inside the closet.

	 He opens the closet door.]

 

Edmund:  Yes?

 

Queen:  I'm suffocating!

 

Edmund:  [still not knowing who it is]  Well, thank God you knocked.  [takes

	 her out of the closet]  Come on, now, now, take a deep breath.

	 [she does]  ...and another...  [she does]  Better?

 

Queen:  Yes.

 

Edmund:  Good.  [pushes her back into the closet, and closes the door again]

 

	[Back in the main room, Percy still tries to be good company.]

 

Percy:  Mind you, I'll say one thing for catholics: they do have

	natural rhythm!  [Aunt leans toward him menacingly; he leans away]

 

	[In Baldrick's bedroom, Edmund has returned; they're all wearing

	 false noses on their foreheads now, although Partridge's is coming

	 out the side of his head.]

 

Melchett:  I notice you're not drinking, Blackadder...

 

Edmund:  Oh, don't you worry about me, Melchers -- I'm holding my own here.

 

Partridge:  Way-hey! `Holding my own'!  Now, that sounds >incredibly< rude!

 

	[The boozers laugh.]

 

Edmund:  Yes, well, I never went to university, of course.

 

Melchett:  [standing]  Er, Blackadder, it doesn't explain why you're not

	   drinking with us.

 

Edmund:  Ah yes, no, that's what I actually came to talk to you about,

	 you see.  What do you say about the idea of ten minutes absolute

	 silence to get some really serious drinking in?

 

	[The boozers cheer, then realise that that's noisy, so they all go

	 `shh!' rather messily.]

 

Edmund:  Yes... I said, "Please give me silence" -- not "drench me with

	 dribble."

 

Melchett:  [hands Edmund a silver goblet]  Well, now, here's a nice glass

	   of cider.

 

Edmund:  Oh, only cider?  I'm going to go and put some brandy in it!

 

	[The boozers cheer and go `shh!' again, as Edmund leaves.]

 

	[Edmund enters the hallway, briefly opens the closet door and tosses

	 the cider in.  Queen shrieks upon getting wet.  Edmund removes his

	 false nose and breasts, heading for the main room.  In Baldrick's

	 bedroom, meanwhile, the boozers and Melchett are sitting down

	 like in a rowboat.  A barrel of something bursts open.  Edmund

	 enters the main room once again.]

 

Edmund:  So, how are we all going, then?

 

Aunt:  Not well.  Let us discuss your inheritance.

 

Edmund:  [has sat]  Ah, yes, good.  Erm, a little drink, first?

 

Aunt:  [stands]  Drink?!  [slaps him twice]  Wicked child!!!  Drink is

       urine for the last leper in Hell!

 

Edmund:  Oh, no, no -- this is only water.  This is a house of simple purity.

 

	[Monk enters, breasts and all, in convulsions.  He rushes to the

	 fireplace and vomits, then turns and begins to leave.]

 

Monk:  Great booze-up, Edmund!  [farts, leaves]

 

	[pause]

 

Aunt:  Do you know that man?

 

Edmund:  [looks behind himself as though he didn't really see]  No...

 

Aunt:  He called you `Edmund'...

 

Edmund:  Oh, >know< >him<...oh, yes, I do.

 

Aunt:  Then can you explain what he meant by `great booze-up'?

 

Edmund:  [thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks

	  ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ...

	   ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks]

	 

	 Yes, I can...  My friend...is...a missionary...and...on his last

	 visit abroad...brought back with him...the chief of a famous

	 tribe...  >His< name is Great Bu...  He's been suffering from

	 sleeping sickness...and he has obviously just woken...because, as

	 you heard, "Great Bu's up"...

 

Percy:  [almost passing out from holding his breath]  Well done, Edmund...

 

Edmund:  ...and I think I'd better just go and visit him...  [stands]

	 Perce, over to you...  [leaves]

 

Percy:  Yes...  How about some sort of game?  Er, how about a couple of

	frames of Shove-Piggy-Shove?  [he gets frightened at Aunt's reaction,

	which is not seen on camera]

 

	[Edmund re-enters Baldrick's bedroom.  Piddle has a cardinal's

	 hat in his hand (for the aformentioned Cardinal Chunder routine).]

 

Melchett:  [climbing off the floor]  Blackadder! You challenged me to a

	   drinking competition earlier today, and I haven't seen you touch

	   a drop!

 

Edmund:  Nonsense!

 

Melchett:  It's true!  You, you twist and turn like a...twisty turny thing.

	   I say you're a weedy pigeon, and you can call me `Susan' if it

	   isn't so.

 

Edmund:  Fine, all right.  [opens the door, calls out]  Baldrick, fetch my

	 Incredibly Strong Ale...!

 

Monk:  Good god!  Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema...?

 

Edmund:  Pah! -- a drink for schoolgirls...

 

Partridge:  Surely not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy...?

 

Edmund:  No -- it is Blackadder's Bowel Basher!

 

	[Baldrick enters with a pitcher and glass.]

 

Edmund:  ...a brew guaranteed to knock the backside off a concrete elephant!

	 ...is it not, Baldrick?

 

Baldrick:  Nah, it's water.

 

Melchett:  WHAT?

 

	[Partridge growls]

 

Edmund:  Eh, heh heh... No, but seriously, Baldrick -- and presuming you wish

	 to see another dawn...

 

Baldrick:  You did call for your Incredibly Strong Ale, My Lord...?

 

Edmund:  [trying to show off]  Yes, that's right.

 

Baldrick:  Oh, that's a relief; I thought I'd made a mistake.

 

Edmund:  Ah.

 

	[Baldrick begins to pour the water in the glass.  Being a glass and

	 not a metal mug like all the others have, everyone can see that the

	 liquid is water -- particularly when Baldrick spills some.]

 

Piddle:  [standing, shouts]  My god! He's right!  It >is< water!

 

	[Edmund kicks Baldrick in the shin.]

 

Monk:  Come on, lads -- let's give him a >real< drink!  [he gives a pitcher

       to Edmund]

 

Edmund:  Well, fine...

 

Monk:  Bums up!

 

Partridge:  Way-hey! `Bums'!  Sounds a bit like `bum', doesn't it?

 

Melchett:  Drink, Blackadder!  Drink!

 

	[Edmund begins to drink...]

 

	[42 Seconds Later]

 

	[In the main room, Percy is hit by Aunt.  Edmund enters, with the

	 cardinal hat on his head and the ostrich feather sticking out of

	 the back of his tights.  His speech is slurred.]

 

Edmund:  Percy, I've lost the bet.

 

Aunt:  Edmund! Explain yourself!

 

Edmund:  I can't -- not just like that.  I'm a complicated person, you see,

	 Aunty...  Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty -- hee hee!

	 ...and sometimes I just like to sing little songs, like:

	 "See the little goblin, see his little--

 

Aunt:  I mean explain why you are wearing a cardinal's hat, why you are

       grinning inanely, and [sees the feather as Edmund turns around and

       falls to his knees, leaning against the chair to the side of the

       door] ...why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your

       britches!

 

Edmund:  I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm Cardinal Chunder;

	 I have an ostrich feather up my bottom [Percy nods and mouths

	 Edmund's words, having heard this before] because Mr Ostrich put it

	 there to keep in the little pixies -- hah hah! -- and I'm grinning

	 inanely because I think I've just about succeeded in conning you

	 and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance -- hee hee

	 hee hee hee!

 

Aunt:  [shouting]  Is that right?  May I remind you, cursed creature [raises

       her hand to slap him, but he's too far away, so slaps Percy instead],

       that your inheritance depends upon your not drinking and not gambling.

 

Edmund:  Oh, yes -- damn.  Percy, the devil farts in my face once more.

 

Aunt:  Not mentioning farts was also a condition.

 

Edmund:  Shove off, you old trout!

 

Aunt:  How dare you speak to my husband like that!  [Uncle is surprised at

       this remark]  Nathaniel, we're leaving!

 

	[Uncle stands and walks out.]

 

Aunt:  [turns to Percy]  and you...

 

Percy:  [frightened]  Yes?

 

Aunt:  Has anyone ever told you you're a giggling imbecile?

 

Percy:  [as though it goes without saying]  Oh, yes...

 

Aunt:  Good.  [stands, leaves, slamming the door]

 

Edmund:  Good riddance, you old witch!

 

	[There's a knock on the room door.]

 

Edmund:  Whoops -- she's forgotten her broomstick.

 

	[The door opens, and Uncle leans in.]

 

Uncle:  Look, er... [checks to see that Aunt doesn't hear him]

	I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening.  Yes, first rate,

	all round... [looks toward Percy] ...particularly your jester.

 

	[Percy looks behind himself, confused, trying to find this jester.]

 

Uncle:  Oh, and, by the way, I loved the turnip -- very funny!

	>Exactly< the same shape...as a thingy!  [leaves]

 

	[Aunt enters Baldrick's bedroom by accident.]

 

Aunt:  Good god!!!  [raises the large cross that she wears around her neck]

 

Partridge:  Well, look who it is!!!

 

Piddle:  Who is it?

 

Partridge:  Well, it's a boys' party; she's a girl, so she must be

	    the stripper!

 

	[The boozers and Melchett cheer.  Aunt raises the cross even higher.]

 

	[Meanwhile, back in the main room...]

 

Percy:  Oh, no... Don't get too depressed, Edmund...  I mean, money

	isn't everything...  Think of clouds and daisies and the lovely

	smiles on little babies' faces... [he tries to make such a smile]

 

Edmund:  Be quiet, Percy...

 

	[In the hallway, Uncle opens the closet door, and motions to Aunt.]

 

Uncle:  This way!

 

	[Aunt and Uncle enter the closet; Queen comes out.  The boozers

	 enter the hallway from Baldrick's bedroom.]

 

Partridge:  Whoa!  Another stripper!

 

	[Uncle comes out.]

 

Piddle:  ...and a male stripper!

 

	[The boozers cheer.  Uncle goes back into the closet.]

 

Monk:  [removing Queen's cloak]  Oh, yes, this is much more like it!

 

	[There's a pause while they see Queen in her royal dress]

 

Partridge:  ...and she's come dressed as the Queen!

 

Piddle:  Oh!! Sex-y!!! [does a little pelvic dance in front on Queen]

 

Queen:  Do you know who I am!

 

	[Edmund comes out from the main room.  Percy is behind him.]

 

Edmund:  Yes! >I< know who you are!

 

[Piddle?]:  Who?

 

Edmund:  You're Merlin, The Happy Pig!!!

 

	[The boozers cheer.]

 

Queen:  Wrong, I'm afraid.  I >am< the Queen of England.

 

	[Everyone slowly and clumsily (save Percy) falls to their knees.]

 

Queen:  I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the

	heart and stomach of a concrete elephant!

 

Partridge:  Prove it!

 

Queen:  I certainly will...!  [she grabs a mug]  First I'm going to have

	a little drinky, and then I'm going to execute the whole bally

	lot of you.  [drinks]

 

 

	[Dawn The Next Day]

 

Edmund:  [singing]  "See the little goblin, see his little feet /

		     And his little nosy-wose -- isn't the goblin sweet?"

 

	[Everyone -- even Uncle, Percy and Baldrick are here -- shouts "Yes!"

	 Some of them aren't wearing their own hats any more.  Percy has

	 Uncle's helmet on, for instance.  Others have hats previously

	 unseen.]

 

Edmund:  "See the little goblin--

 

Queen:  Er, wait a minute...  I'm sure there was something very important

	I had to do to all of you this morning.  

 

	[Everyone -- including Queen -- giggles at the possibilities.]

 

Melchett:  I remember something about ten thousand florins...? was it...?

	   or...?

 

Uncle:  I think it was something about an inheritance.

 

Edmund:  Look, do you lot want to hear about this goblin or not?

 

	[Everyone cheers "Yes!"]

 

Edmund:  Right! Well, perhaps this time I might be allowed to continue, 

	 and perhaps finish, with any luck...

 

	[Suddenly, from under Queen's dress, Aunt emerges.]

 

Aunt:  `Luck'? Hah hah hah! Way-hey! Get it?

 

	[Everyone says, "No..."]

 

Aunt:  Oh, come on!  `Luck'!  Sounds almost exactly like `f--

 

	[Ending music and credits.  Edmund comes into view with a stick.

	 He stabs and slashes into the bushes as he walks down the lane,

	 hoping to hit the balladeer.  He goes far beyond the fountain.

	 On the last line of the theme song, the balladeer is seen close

	 to the camera view, then goes off-shot again.  Edmund sees him,

	 and runs down the lane as fast as he can, stick raised in the air...]

 

 

	` ` B l a c k  -

	     a d d e r  I I ' '

 

	Edmund Blackadder		Blackadder couldn't hold his beer

	 ROWAN ATKINSON			The art of boozing he'd not mastered

					And I, your merry balladeer

	Lord Percy			Am also well and truly plastered

	 TIM McINNERNY

					Blackadder! Blackadder!

	Baldrick			A bit like Robin Hood

	 TONY ROBINSON			Blackadder! Blackadder!

					But nothing like as good

	Queen Elizabeth I

	 MIRANDA RICHARDSON		Blackadd*hic*! Blackadd*hic*!

					I thought that he had died

	Lord Melchett			Blackadder! Blackadder!

	 STEPHEN FRY			Our writers must have lied

 

	Nursie

	 PATSY BYRNE

 

	Lady Whiteadder

	 MIRIAM MARGOLYES

 

	Simon Partridge

	 HUGH LAURIE

 

	Geoffrey Piddle

	 ROGER BLAKE

 

	Monk

	 WILLIAM HOOTKINS

 

	Lord Whiteadder

	 DANIEL THORNDIKE

 

 

 

	Music by

	 HOWARD GOODALL

 

	Graphic Designer

	 GRAHAM KERN

 

	Properties Buyer

	 MONICA BOGGUST

 

 

	Costume Designer

	 ANNIE HARDINGE

 

	Make-up Designer

	 VICKY POCOCK

 

 

	Production Assistant

	 AMITA LOCHAB

 

	Assistant Floor Manager

	 SARAH GOWERS

 

 

	Vision Mixer

	 HEATHER GILDER

 

	Senior Camerman

	 RON GREEN

 

	Videotape Editor

	 CHRIS WADSWORTH

 

 

	Studio Lighting

	 DON BABBAGE

 

	Studio Sound

	 NEIL SADWICK

 

	Technical Co-Ordinator

	 RAY HIDER

 

 

	Production Manager

	 PRUE SAENGER

 

 

	Designer

	 ANTONY THORPE

 

 

 

	Director

	 MANDIE FLETCHER

 

 

 

	Producer

	 JOHN LLOYD

 

	(C) BBC MCMLXXXV A.D.

 

 

	T h e   E n d

 









Back to top of Part 2

Part II Episode 6: Chains


When Blackadder finds himself up to the chest in iron spikes he has but one course of action--to play charades with a crazed Spanish interrogator.


E: Edmund Blackadder

M: Lord Melchett

Q: Queen Elizabeth I

N: Nursie

B: Baldrick

P: Lord Percy

G(2): German guard(s)

T: Spanish Torturer

L: Prince Ludwig the Indestructible

 

 

The Queen's Chamber

 

E: Get out! Get out, libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted

   strumpet with you, where you'll both rot in the filth of your own

   fornication!

 

Q: ...and what did you say to *him*?

 

E: Say, Madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out the

   privy window.

 

Q: Oh, Edmund! You're so naughty!

 

E: Well, I try, Madam. And ten minutes later, when I've got my breath back,

   I try again...  (sticks his tongue out of his grinning mouth)

 

M: Perhaps now we can turn to more important matters of state.

 

Q: Oh, must we?

 

M: I fear so, Ma'am. It's a tragic case -- my old tutor, Lord Forest. His son

   has been kidnapped, and he begs you to help pay the ransom.

 

Q: Edmund, what would you say?

 

E: Well, as you know, Madam, I've had experince of this dreadful situation.

   Only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my 

   Uncle Ozrick.

 

M: Well, then, you know something of the dreadful pain involved.

 

E: Indeed I do, and can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to 

   her.

 

Q: Which was?

 

E: `Get stuffed.'

 

M: Blackadder, you would jest over a young man's life?

 

E: For `young man' read `young idiot'. Look, anyone stupid enough to let some  

   mustachioed dago come up to them in a corridor, say, `Excuse me Meester,'

   and hit them over the head with a big stick deserves everything they get.

   (leaves)

 

In the Corridor

 

B: Oh, hallo, you're in good fooling this morning.

 

E: Thank you, Baldrick.

 

B: I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day...

 

E: Oh, good. (leaves)

 

(Edmund comes out of the next set of doors and meets a pair of German guards)

 

G: Excuse me, Meister...

 

E: Yes, what is it?

 

(G motions Edmund to G2. Edmund leans over to hear what G2 has to say.

 G2 points to the back of Edmund's head, where G hits Edmund over the

 head with a big stick)

 

E: I said `What is it?' -- not `Hit me hard on the head wi--' (collapses)

 

 

In the Queen's Chamber

 

Q: You know, Melchy, I've completely changed my mind about that Forest bloke.

   I mean, he's obviously very stupid, but we can't go around punishing

   people for that, can we?

 

M: Certainly not, Ma'am.

 

Q: No -- if we went around punishing people for being stupid, Nursie would

   have been in prison all her life.

 

M: A very piquant observation, Majesty.

 

Q: So I *will* sign this ransom, but it must be the last. (as she writes the

   order) Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my heart

   and hope to die.

 

M: Surely not `hope to die', Majesty.

 

Q: Er, oh, alright, I'll cross that out... Er, here you are. Sorry about the

   smudge.

 

M: Thank you, Ma'am. (leaves)

 

In the Corridor

 

G: Excuse me, Meister...

 

M: Yes?

 

(G motions Melchett to G2. Melchett leans to G2. G2 points. G hits.)

 

 

In a Prison

 

(Edmund wakes up; Melchett is with him. They are tied back-to-back.)

 

E: Oh, God, God, God. What on Earth was I drinking last night? My head feels

   like there's a Frenchman living in it. (looks around) Where am I?

 

M: (groans) Ooohhhh...

 

E: Who's there?

 

M: It is I: Melchett.

 

E: Melchett! You really ought to get this house of yours cleaned up, you know.

   It's a real mess!

 

M: This is no time for jokes, Blackadder! We've been kidnapped!

 

E: Oh, God... How incredibly embarrassing!

 

M: As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport!

 

(insane laughter of Spanish Torturer)

 

E: (as though he's about to meet someone stupid) Oh, God, who's that?

 

T: (leans to Melchett, says something in Spanish)

 

E: Just wait a minute! If anyone is going to be spoken to around here, it's

   going to be me, alright? Tell him, Melchy.

 

M: Certainly.  (points behind him, to Edmund, as he and Edmund wiggle around

   so Edmund faces T)  Parlo con lui -- no mio (something) -- parlo con lui.

 

T: Ah, bueno. (looks at Edmund) El Je'fe! (Says same thing he said to

    Melchett)

 

E: Ah, that's better. (pause) Now, what's he saying?

 

M: He says he would like a word with you.

 

E: Uh huh. Anything else?

 

M: Yes. He says he would like to torture you as well.

 

 

Later.  Edmund, in a small box with his head, arms and legs sticking out

(legs shackeled as well), is alone in the prison with T.  T is turning

a key in the box presumably to move spikes into Edmund's body.

 

E: Right. Now, am I, by any chance, addressing a senior dignitary of the

   Spanish Inquisition?

 

T: Te gusta, la (??) de la Inquisicion!

 

E: (not understanding a word)  Good... Because, if I am, I wish to make it

   quite clear that I am prepared to tell you absolutely *anything*.

 

T: Habla puer(??)

 

E: No speako dago. I demand to see the British ambassador, *understand*?

 

T: (winding some more) Necesito silencio para comesa.

 

E: Oh for God's sake! Look, how can you question me if you don't speak English?

 

T: No! *Yo* pregunto las questionnes!

 

E: Alright, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected

   Indo-European language derived from dialects of....

 

 

In the corridor outside Queen's Chamber

 

(Queenie and Percy are playing frisbee)

 

P: (catches, holds the disc up triumphantly) How's that!

 

Q: Percy, who's Queen?

 

P: (drops disc) Whoops! Butterfingers! 

 

Q: Ah, so I win again.

 

P: Yes. Well done, Your Majesty!

 

(They enter the throne room. Nursie is feeding Baldrick by hand.)

 

Q: There's definitely been no sign of Edmund.

 

P: I fear not, Ma'am.

 

Q: Why (??) he vanished? Simply vanished...

 

P: Like an old oak table...

 

Q: *Vanished*, Lord Percy -- not *varnished*.

 

P: Forgive me, My Lady, but my Uncle Bertram's old oak table completely 

   vanished. 'Twas on the night of the great Stepney fire. And on that

   same terrible night, his house and all his other things completely

   vanished too. So did he, in fact. It was a most perplexing mystery.

 

Q: Lord Percy?

 

P: Yes?

 

Q: It's up to you: either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off.

 

P: (squints, thinks very long and hard about it) I'll shut up.

 

 

In the Prison

 

(Edmund and Torturer play charades in an attempt to communicate)

 

T: Bastardo!

 

E: Baa-taar-do...  Barrister.

 

T: Bastardo!

 

E: Embarrassing. You're embarrassing. *I'm* embarrassing.

 

(T clenches his fist, and curls his left arm underneath his right, and

 points it straight up in a familiar gesture.)

 

E: Er, er, rogering!

 

(T makes a very-fat gesture over his abomen.)

 

E: Er, pregnant!

 

(T acts like he's cradling a baby, and makes little baby noises.)

 

E: Baby! Baby!

 

(T acts like he has tossed the baby.)

 

E: Bathwater!

 

(T shakes his head, then holds his ear.)

 

E: Sounds like... oh! `Bastard'!

 

T: (excited at Edmund's correct guess) Si'! Si'!! No este terminado. Hijo.

    Hijo!

 

E: (not knowing that `hijo' is a word, guesses by the sound of it) Donkey.

 

(T shakes his head, puts his head in his hand.)

 

T: (holds his hand horzontally above his head) Padre.

 

E: Big bastard...

 

T: (lowers the hand to a very short height) Hijo.

 

E: Little bastard.

 

T: (walking masculinely, speaks deeply) Padre...

 

E: Man...

 

T: (bends his knees as he walks and makes baby-like noises again) Hijo.

 

E: Boy.  Man, father... Oh! `Son'! I'm a bastard's son.

 

T: (gets on his hands and knees) Perra! (pants)

 

E: Thirsty... Thirsty bastard.

 

(T barks)

 

E: Thirsty barking bastard. Oh, `dog'! Dog. Right, dog.

 

(T, on his knees, moves his hands to indicate breasts.)

 

E: Woman.

 

(T goes back on his hands and knees.)

 

E: Dog. 

 

(T does the breast gesture again.)

 

E: Woman, dog...*bitch*! I'm a bastard son of a bitch!

 

T: Si'!!! Si'!!! (shakes Edmund's hand)

 

E: In that case, you are a fornicating babboon.

 

T: Que?

 

E: Oh dear. Er, *you*...

 

T: (points to Edmund) Tu? (sees Edmund is pointing at him, so he points

    at himself) Yo...

 

E: You, er, fornicating... Yes... I can't really do it in this box...

 

 

Later...

 

T: ...tus testiculos.

 

E: My, um, ah yes, those, yes...

 

T: ...sobre un fuego grande.

 

E: ...over a large...

 

T: Fuego, fuego. (makes fire motion with his hands, then blows on the tips

    of his fingers)

 

E: Oh, fire, fire. Ah good, so let's recap. Um...if I admit that I'm in love--

 

T: (interjects) No! No! (rolls onto his back)

 

E: Sorry -- head-over-heels in love -- (T makes various motions to indicate

   each thing) with Satan and all his little wizards, then you will remove my

   testicles with a blunt instrument--

 

T: Una (polan~a?), una polan~a.

 

E: ...resembling some kind of gardening tool but we can't quite (obscured by

   laughter). Um, and roast them over a large fire.

 

T: Si', si'.

 

E: Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and...and...all his...

   his little wizards, (T again is making appropriate gestures for each item)

   you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade.

 

T: (holds his hands out, expecting more) ...*y*...

 

E: *And* remove my testicles with a blunt...oh I see. Well, well, in that case,

   I love Satan.

 

T: (excited) Ohh ho ho! (produces instrument)

 

E: Oh, it's a *scythe*...

 

 

In the Queen's Chamber

 

Q: Oh, I don't know, I've looked everywhere.

 

P: (with a finger to his temple as though he's being psychic)

   Perhaps...they're not...hiding...at all! Perhaps...they've been...

   kidnapped!

 

Q: Nonsense! ...what Edmund said: `Only real idiots get kidnapped'.

 

P: (frightened) Do they?! (looks around nervously for kidnappers)

 

 

In the Prison

 

(T is holding his scythe, ready to have a go at Edmund. Prince Ludwig

 enters, shouts `Stop!' and whips T down, who screams a bit and remains

 cowering.)

 

L: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder. I have been neglecting my duties as a host.

   Please accept my appoloaggies.

 

E: I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.

 

L: I hope this scum (T burbles a bit) has not inconweenienced you.

 

E: It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to inconweenience

   *me*. 

 

L: Good. If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.

 

E: Believe me, sir: if he had inconweeniened me, you would not have a tongue

   with which to make such an offer.

 

L: Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder: if I no longer had a tongue with which 

   to make such an offer, you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell 

   me that, if I had inconweenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with 

   which to offer you his tongue.

 

E: Yes, well, enough of this banter. Who the hell are you, sausage breath?

 

L: You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?

 

E: I don't believe I had the pleasure.

 

L: Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by

   another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler

   called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game

   at the Old Pizzle in Dover?

 

E: My God!

 

L: Yes! I was the waitress.

 

E: (shocked) I don't believe it! *You*? Big Sally?

 

L: (falsetto) `Will you have another piece of pie, My Lord?'

 

E: ...but I went to bed with you, didn't I?

 

L: For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.

 

E: Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!

 

L: Indeed you were, Mr. Floppy...

 

E: Yes, alright, alright (obscured by laughter). Now, would you mind--

 

L: (again falsetto) `Such a disappointment for a girl...'

 

E: Yes, alright, you've had your little joke.

 

L: `It really doesn't matter -- we'll try again in a few minutes. Have a look

   through these naughty parchments.'

 

E: Oh, yes, we *are* proud of our comic serving-wench voice, aren't we? Just

   because we can say `Zur' instead of `Sir', (??) sense at all social

   gatherings the tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices. 

 

L: (angered, shouts) Be quiet!

 

E: What else have you got in your outstandingly inventive repertoire, I 

   wonder...  Aaah, a brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt.  An hilarious 

   black man: `See you, Jimmy, where am dat watty-melon'. (obscured by

   laughter) I can't wait for your side-splitting poof and that funny little

   croaky one who isn't anyone in particular, but he's such a scream. And

   most of all, I like the one you do all the time, that fatheaded German

   chamberpot standing in front of me.

 

L: You know, you talk too much, Blackadder. I think it's a case of werbal

   diarrhoea that you are having. I should, perhaps, tell you that I have

   given the Queen only a week to reply to my ransom demand. Unless she

   pays up, you die. Howwibly.

 

E: She will pay up. And then within a week, you die. Howwibly howwibly.

 

L: You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.

 

E: I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.

 

L: You know, I think, I think that a week from now, you'll be less in the 

   mood for being amusing.

 

E: At least when I *am* in the mood, I *can* be amusing.

 

L: Then choose your next witticism carefully, Herr Blackadder; it may be

   your last.  Guards, fetch his friend.

 

Gs: (enter with Melchett) Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...

 

M: (crying, expecting to be thrown into a very deep pit)

   Oh no, please! (they throw him down) oooohhh! (he lands on the lower

   level, about three feet below, and looks rather surprised)

 

L: Lord Melchett, we meet again.

 

M: No, I don't think we've had the pleasure...

 

L: You do not recognise me, then?

 

M: No...

 

L: Let me refresh your memory. You remember when you were in Cornwall; at the

   monastery, there was an old shepherd with whom you used to talk.

 

M: Good Lord! Dimkins?

 

L: Yes! I was one of his sheep.

 

M: One of his sheep?  Not...?

 

L: Yes!

 

M: Flossy?

 

L: Yes!

 

M: But didn't we...?  (waves his hands in an exchanging fashion)

 

L: Yes, Lord Melchett! BBBAAAAA!

 

M: Oh my God!

 

L: But enough of such pleasant reminiscences, eh? The guard has found an

   interesting document in your clothing.

 

M: Oh, I shouldn't pay much attention to that if I were you.

 

L: The Queen says that she will pay only one ransom, `But it must be the 

   last. Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my 

   heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple.' She has a

   difficult choice in front of her, has she not?

 

E: Not really. Bad luck, Melchers. Still... Life -- huh! -- overrated,

   I reckon.

 

L: Yes, gentlemen. Well, if you excuse me, I have work to do. Evil plots

   don't just make themselves you know. (exits laughing, the guards join

   in)

 

 

In the Queen's Chamber

 

P: (reading a note from Ludwig; oddly, as he reads it, he has an accent like

    Ludwig's)

      Dear Qveen, 

      I, evil Prince Ludvig the Indestructible, have your two friends, and you

      must shoose between zem. The ransom is one million crona. Many many

      appoloaggies for the inconweenience.

 

Q: Oh, my goodness! What a difficult choice!

 

N: But it isn't the first difficult choice you've ever had to make, my little

   tadpole.

 

Q: No, that's true.

 

N: In the old days, it was all difficult choices. Should you have Nursie

   Milk or Moo Cow Milk? Of course, it was always Nursie milk, ha-ha.

   But then left breasty-dumpling or right breasty-dumpling? Of course, it

   was always both breasty-dumplings, ha-ha. Aah, but then which one first?

 

Q: Shut up, Nursie! Ahh, this is very confusing. Lord Percy, play a while 

   to calm my spirits.

 

P: (holding a lute) Certainly, Ma'am.  (gives the lute to Baldrick)

   Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man. Ah-ha, you're it! Ring-a-ring o'

   rosey, all fall down.  (appropriate movements accompany all those)

 

(Queen is speechless; shakes her head.)

 

 

In the Prison

 

M: What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up?

 

E: That all depends on whether you want the slop-bucket over your head or not.

 

M: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.

 

E: Yes, alright. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding,

   your, shut.

 

M: For God's sake, man! We must do something to relieve our minds of the 

   terrible fate that awaits us!!

 

E: Awaits you, Melchy -- not me. How's my beard looking?

 

M: Alas! Shall I ever see England more? Her rolling fields, Her swooping

   swallows...

 

E: ...and Her playful sheep.

 

(enter Ludwig)

 

E: Ah, about time, too!

 

L: Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.

 

E: Well, thank God; I'm sick of this place. The conditions are just

   disgraceful! Why, it's like a prison in here!

 

L: I shall read it to you.

 

E: Ah, typical master criminal -- loves the sound of his own voice...

 

L: After long and very careful deliberation, the Queen has decided to extend

   the ransom money on....

 

(cut to Queen writing this very letter)

 

Q: ...a big party. Just impossible to decide between my two faves, so I've

   decided to keep the cash, have a whizzy-jolly time and try to forget both

   of you. Hope you're not too miffed. Byeeeeee!

 

(cut to prison)

 

E: WHAT?!

 

L: `Hope you're not too miffed. Byeeeeee!' Well, as you can imagine, my

   friends, this makes me very unhappy.

 

E: (sarcastically) Oh, I am sorry.

 

L: But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to, let us say, gain access to 

   your queen, I might just be able to commute your deaths to a life sentence.

 

E: Are you suggesting we betray her?

 

L: Oh yes.

 

E: Alright.

 

M: Blackadder! What are you saying? What of loyalty? honour? self-respect?

 

E: What of them?

 

M: Nothing...

 

L: So you will both play ball?

 

M & E: Yep.

 

L: Oh, what joy. See how you collapse before me you great and incorruptible

   English knobs. So proud of your great big stiff upper lips, hmm?

 

E: Gloating is a sign of insecurity, Ludwig -- shove it. Now, do you want to

   know how to get to the Queen or not?

 

L: Yes, I thought some kind of disguise. You know, I do a very good Mary,

   Queen of Scots. (turns away, rustles his hair, raises his shoulders and

   turns back to them, speaking in falsetto very thick Scottish dialect

   (actually this voice is not that of the actor, but is a woman's voice))

   `Hoots, mon! Whar's me heid?'

 

 

In the Queen's Chamber (Baldrick is eating from a dog dish that Queen holds.)

 

Q: What sort of party should it be?

 

P: Oh, fancy dress. I love fancy dress.

 

Q: Nursie?

 

N: I think it should be one of those ones where everybody comes with 

   nothing on at all.

 

Q: Shut up, then. (to Percy) I agree with you, Acting Lord Chamberlain.

   If we're really to forget our woes, then we should have as much fun 

   as possible. And what can be more fun than a party where people come

   dressed as frogs and rabbits and nuns? 

 

N: ...and bits of wood!

 

Q: You're not going to come as a bit of wood.

 

N: Aren't I?

 

Q: No!

 

N: Ah. Well, how about a pencil, then? Should I come as a pencil?

 

Q: Don't be silly, Nursie. You always talk like this and you always end

   up coming as the same thing.

 

N: Do I?

 

Q: Yes, you know-- of co-- everybo-- (gives up. addresses Baldrick) Lassie,

   what does Nursie always come to fancy-dress parties dressed as?

 

B: I thought everybody knew.

 

Q: Yes -- everybody, apparently, except Nursie.  Tell her.

 

B: She always comes as a cow.

 

N: Yes, that's right! A lovely lovely cow with great big lovely udders.

   I swiggle around going `Mmmoooooo! Come to Nursie Cow, you lovely 

   little heifers!' (Percy doesn't find this very appealing)

   Oh yes! What fun! Oh, I want to be a cow again, please?

 

Q: Shut up. (to Percy) Isn't Nursie stupid?

 

P: She certainly is, Ma'am. (forced laugh)

 

Q: You see? We're having a good time already! We've completely forgotten about

   those chaps in prison, haven't we?  (spoken in a tone with which -- and she

   looks around like -- no one should dare disagree)

 

P: (gets a joke in his head; seems rather pleased; puts on a fake curious face)

   What chaps?

 

all: Pbbbbffffff!!!!!!!

 

 

In the Prison

 

(Guards enter with Ludwig)

 

Gs: Ein, zwei, ein zwei...

 

L: My friends, I come to bid you farewell. These guards will eventually

   die of old age, but their sons will, I'm sure, go on attending to your

   needs.

 

E: Thank you for your concern, but, in fact, we intend to escape.

 

L: With your information, gentlemen, I intend to bring down your Queen and 

   country. The Master of Disguise will become the Master of the World!

   (turns to leave, laughing maniacally)

 

E: Yes, er, one thing, Ludwig, just before you go...

 

L: What?

 

E: Were you ever bullied at school?

 

L: (a bit defensive) What do you mean?

 

E: Well, all this ranting and raving about power -- there must be some reason

   for it.

 

L: Nonsense! No, er, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of

   maturity!

 

E: I thought so... and I'll bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to

   your final year!  (the guards look at each other for a moment in reaction)

 

L: Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call 

   me Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot again!  (the guards again look up a bit

   surprised at this news. Ludwig and guards leave)

 

E: Touched a nerve there, I think...

 

M: What good is it going to do us if we're doomed to rot here until we die?

 

E: Nah, don't worry, I've got a plan.

 

M: Really?

 

E: Yes. Now that Ludwig's gone, we should no trouble overcoming the guards.

   Germans are sticklers for efficiency and I've been watching their routine.

   I've selected the moment when they're at their most vulnerable. That is

   when we will attack them.

 

M: Brilliant! How?

 

E: That is the most cunning bit... (sticks his tongue out slyly)

 

 

Later

 

(Guards approach)

 

Gs: (in background) Ein, zwei, ein zwei...

 

E: Right, now this is it. Don't forget, when they are at their most *vulner-

   able*.

 

Gs: Ein, zwei...Halt! Jingle the keys: (keys jingle) Open the door! 

    (door opens) Greetings to the prisoners: (they take one step in, and

    wave) Guten abend, Englander-scum! March to the table: Ein

    zwei, ein zwei, ein zwei...Halt! Food on the table: ein zwei! (they

    put down a loaf of bread and a sausage). Spit on the food: ein zwei!

    Insulting further gestures to the prisoners: ein zwei, ein zwei! (they

    do pelvic thrusts)

 

E: Now! (E & M hit their groins)

 

Gs: OOOOHHH!

 

E: (shaking out his hand) Trust me to get the hard one! (They head for the

   stairs. Edmund grabs Melchett and throws him off the stairs, so he can

   leave first.)

 

 

In the Queen's Chamber

 

Q: (dressed as Henry VIII, complete with beard; speaks as deeply as she can)

   Yo ho ho! Off with their heads!

 

P: Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again!

 

Q: Bally well hope not, or else I won't be Queen anymore! Er, yours is a

   pretty good, too. What is it?

 

P: It's nothing, Ma'am -- just a mere trifle I threw together.

 

Q: Doesn't look much like a trifle. Looks more like a fruit salad to me.

 

P: I see Nursie's really excelled herself.

 

N: MMMMMOOOOOOOOOO!

 

Q: Yes, she has. (looks down at Baldrick, who has a pencil up each nostril)

   I'm not sure about this, though.  What are you meant to be?

 

B: A pencil case.

 

Q: (ecstatically) Yes! Oh, it's just like parties I had when I was tiny.

   We had tea and cakes and venison, and then a trip with a couple of little 

   friends to the executions!

 

P: How sweet.

 

Q: ...if I *wanted* my little friends executed, that is. Oh, how I do wish

   Edmund could be here. He always loved parties, and always always wore

   very very tight tights.

 

P: (thinking the same dumb joke can work twice)  Edmund who?

 

(Edmund enters)

 

E: Edmund Blackadder!

 

Q: Oh!

 

E: Majesty...

 

Q: (removing her beard) Oh, Edmund! But...

 

E: Did you ever know me to miss a party?

 

Q: (excited, then serious) But what about Lord Melchett?

 

E: Yes... Unfortunately, Ma'am, he made it too.

 

(Melchett enters)

 

P: Rapture! Joy beyond measure! Bliss (kisses her hand) which cannot

   be counted on one's fingers!

 

E: (softly) Bbaaaaa...

 

Q: Sorry, Edmund?

 

E: Nothing...

 

Q: Yes, um, unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier,

   nothing much has changed around here. (motions to Baldrick, who is gnawing

   on a large bone) Your animal still isn't house-trained, Percy's still

   unemployed, and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle.

 

N: MMMMOOOOOOOOO!

 

E: Ah, yes. Thank you for reminding me. (takes his sword out and stabs

   the cow)

 

Q: Nursie! (to Edmund) You killed Nursie! (downplayed) Oh, that's horrid...

   (shouts again) Guards! Guards! Take him away and execute him! He's killed

   Nursie!

 

N: (entering from the hall, wearing a multi-uddered, horrible cow costume;

   not wearing the head) Can anyone help me with my udders?

 

Q: Nursie?

 

N: Yes?

 

E: Yes, and may I introduce you to our erstwhile captor, Prince Ludwig

   the Indestructible! (removes the cow head from Ludwig in the good cow

   costume)

 

(all gasp)

 

L: Ah, Queen Elizabeth, we meet again. 

 

Q: Er, no, I don't think so, actually.

 

L: Yes -- you remember when you were young; your father used to take you 

   riding on a magnificent grey pony that you used to kiss and fondle

   in the stable yard. (Queen is embarrassed and motions for him to pass

   that bit.)  *I*, I was the tall and attractive German stable lad who

   held him.

 

Q: No!

 

L: Yes!

 

Q: You?

 

L: Uh-huh.

 

Q: Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot??

 

L: (stands, shouts) No! No, no, no! You will -- all of you -- regret the day

   that you have mocked my complexion. (rushes to the hallway)

   I shall return and vreak my rewenghee! (laughs maniacally, sets about

   opening the outer doors)

 

E: No -- you will die and be buried. (Edmund throws a large knife into the

   hallway. There is a thunk, and a brief scream from Ludwig.)

 

all: Hurray!

 

E: (calmly) ...strange man.

 

Q: But how did you know it was him?

 

E: This was the information with which we bought our lives. We told him 

   that, if the Queen was having a party, Nursie always goes as a cow.

   From that moment, he was doomed. All we had to do was escape, return,

   and kill the cow.

 

Q: How could you be sure it was not Nursie?

 

E: Because, My Lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise, whereas Nursie is a 

   sad, insane old woman with a udder fixation. All we had to do was kill

   the one that *looked like* the cow. That was the mistake I knew that

   Ludwig would make. His disguise was too good!

 

Q: Gosh, Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home.

 

E: Well, I must say, Ma'am, it's good to be back. 

 

P: Welcome, Edmund. Did you...miss me?

 

E: I certainly did. Many was the time, Percy, I said to myself, `I wish Percy

   was here--

 

(Percy embraces Edmund)

 

E: `...being tortured instead of me.'

 

P: Gah, we have missed your wit!

 

B: Did you miss me, My Lord?

 

E: Ermmm... `Baldrick', is it?

 

B: That's right.

 

E: No, not really.

 

Q: And me... did you miss me, Edmund?

 

E: Madam, life without you was like...a broken pencil.

 

Q: (confused) Explain...?

 

E: Pointless.

 

 

 Credits/Theme Song

 

(during this ending credit, Edmund finally catches the balladeer,

 and drowns him in the fountain)

 

 

Edmund Blackadder		Beware all ye who lust for fame

 ROWAN ATKINSON			The path of life is most uncertain

				Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game

Lord Percy			But now the kraut's gone for a burton

 TIM McINNERNY

				Blackadder! Blackadder!

Baldrick			He beat the hun by luck

 TONY ROBINSON			Blackadder! Blackadder!

				He's smarter than a duck

Queen Elizabeth I

 MIRANDA RICHARDSON		Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!

				Intelligent and deep

Lord Melchett			Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!

 STEPHEN FRY			A shame about the sheep

 

Nursie

 PATSY BYRNE

 

Prince Ludwig

 HUGH LAURIE

 

Torturer

 MAX HARVEY

 

1st Guard

 MARK ARDEN

 

2nd Guard

 LEE CORNES

 

 

Epilogue............

 

A low-toned bell rings. We see Percy, Edmund, Queen, Nursie, Baldrick,

and Melchett. All are dead with slit throats.

 

Prince Ludwig is disguised as Queen, and is holding a knife.

(Actually using the actress with the actor's voice dubbed in).

 

L: (laughs) Now *this* is a disguise I'm *really* going to

   enjoy!  If I can just get the voice right...

 

 











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