The Dark Prince of Slime bumbles his way through history, shocking all of
England with his devious exploits...not to mention his silly haircut!
This part is set during the really dark part of the Dark Ages and chronicles
the wickedly funny exploits of the terminally treacherous Edmund, Duke of
Edinborough (a.k.a. the Black Adder). The Black Adder's slimy reign of terror is
the most gripping sitcom since 1380!
Painter: History has known many great liars. Copernicus, Goebbels,
St Ralph the Liar [he is shown holding a sign which reads
`St Benedict the Liar'] -- but there have been none quite so
vile as the Tudor king Henry VII. It was he who rewrote
history to portray his precessor Richard III as a deformed maniac
who killed his nephews in the Tower. But the real truth is that
Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young
wards. In particular: Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a
big, strong boy.
Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field and killed
Richard III. Again, the truth is very different; for it was
Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field, and
reigned for thirteen glorious years.
As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated Henry
Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first
chapter of a history never before told: the history of The Black
Adder!
[opening theme]
[The Eve of The Battle of Bosworth Field; 21st August, 1485]
[Scene is a feast]
Richard (Duke of York): [bangs his goblet thrice on the table] Silence!
Silence! For the king!
King (Richard III): [stands, hunched, speaks awkwardly]
Now is the summer of our sweet content,
[Made?] [err?]-cast winter by these Tudor clouds.
And I that am not shaped for black-faced war,
[the people gathered appropriately make noises to
the contrary]
I that am rudely cast and want true majesty,
[more noises from the people; then he fixes
his hunched standing position by yanking on his
cloak, which had been stuck]
Am forced to fight,
To set sweet England free.
I pray to Heaven we fare well,
And all who fight us go to Hell.
[cheers from everyone. Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, sitting at the
very end of the table, stands up, raising his goblet]
Edmund: Hurray, hurray, absolutely! Hurray! [notices that he's the only
one speaking and standing; sits back down, embarrassed]
King: [to Richard] Who is that?
Richard: I know not, My Lord. I'll ask my son. [he calls to Harry, Prince
of Wales, who sits on the other side of the king from Richard]
Harry, who is that?
Harry: It is your other son, My Lord.
Richard: [to King] It is my other son, My Lord.
King: Fights he with us on the morrow?
Richard: [pauses, then to Harry again] What's his name?
Harry: [with mouth full] Edmund.
Richard: [turns and yells across the room to Edmund] Edna, fight you
with us on the morrow?
Edmund: Er, [stands again] oh goodness, no! No, I thought I'd fight
with the enemy! [no one laughs; he sits down embarrassed]
King: [to Richard] You're, er, not putting him anywhere near me, are you?
Richard: No, no [?]. He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.
King: Oh! Arrow fodder!
Richard: Precisely.
King: Yes... [chuckles, waves to Edmund, grinning; mutters between his teeth]
What a little turd.
[cut to Edmund's end of the table]
Edmund: [to Percy, Duke of Northumberland, after giving a little wave back
to King] Ah, Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special
greeting?
Percy: No, My Lord...
[a servant pokes his head in, refilling their goblets, and speaks]
Baldrick: I saw it, My Lord.
Edmund: Ah, and what is your name, little fellow?
Baldrick: My name is Baldrick, My Lord.
Edmund: Ah. Then I shall call you...`Baldrick'!
Baldrick: ...and I shall call you `My Lord', My Lord.
Edmund: Mmm. I like the cut of your jib, young fellow m'lad!
How would you like to be my squire in the battle to-morrow?
[Baldrick kneels instantly]
Percy: [trying to show off in front of Baldrick, speaks to Edmund]
It will be a great day to-morrow for we nobles.
Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces.
My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia
stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.
Baldrick: With you at the helm, My Lord, we cannot lose.
Percy: [still trying to show off] Well, we could if we wanted to!
Edmund: Ah, but we won't, Percy, and I shall prove to all that I am a man!
Percy: But you >are< a man, My Lord.
Edmund: But how shall it be proved, Percy...?
Percy: Well, they could look up that tree in Rutland. [Edmund baps him on
the forehead] [????], My Lord.
Edmund: It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in
terror!
Baldrick: [restrained, of course -- they're in a crowded room] Hurray!
Percy: Hurray!
Edmund: Come: a toast. Let all those who go to don armour to-morrow
remember to `go' before they don armour to-morrow! Hurray!
[they clink goblets] Already I can hear the sound of battle
ringing in my ears...
[Cut to just before the battle, outside. The following
lines are spoken to the army]
King: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!
Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree!
Richard: Let blood -- Blood -- BLOOD! -- be your motto!
Slit their gizzards!
Harry: Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of, well,
violence. But at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?
King: And gentlemen in London still in bed shall think themselves accursed
they were not here, and hold their manhood cheap while others speak
of those who fought with us on Ralph the Liar's Day! [he raises his
sword high in the air. Our view follows it into the sky.]
[Our view comes down from the sky, to see the castle. Inside Edmund's
room, he sleeps in his bed, snoring, while Baldrick sleeps on the
floor, using a dead dog as a pillow. There is a knock on the door.]
Mother: Edmund? [opening the door] Edmund...
Edmund: Hmm? Oh, Mother, what do you want?
Mother: Did you want to go to the battle this morning?
Edmund: [sits up with a start; removes a cover from a sundial, and looks
at it] Oh my god, it's eleven o'clock!
Mother: [smiling unconcernedly, amusedly shakes her head, closes the door]
[cut to long shot of a rise. On it we see a silhouette of Edmund on
horseback. Following him at a distance is Baldrick on muleback.]
Baldrick: My Lord...
Edmund: What is it?
Baldrick: Where is this battle, then?
Edmund: Oh, somewhere called Bosworth Field...
[they have ridden off to the right of the shot. Suddenly, we see
Baldrick going the other way, followed by Edmund.]
Edmund: Damn, damn, damn! The first decent battle since I reached puberty...
[Now we see them close up, riding together, up a rise leading to a
valley.]
Baldrick: Here we are, My Lord...
Edmund: Onward, Baldrick! To glory!
[Over the top of the rise we now can see banners clashing together.
Edmund stops his horse at the top.]
Edmund: Yes, erm, I'm not so sure we're needed, you know, Baldrick...
I mean, everything seems to be going very well, doesn't it?
Everyone's fighting -- clearly having the time of their lives.
Wait a moment; some of them over there aren't fighting! They're...
they're just lying down!
Baldrick: They're dead, My Lord.
Edmund: Ah. [he wriggles in his seat] Damn, I knew I'd forgotten something.
Would you excuse me a moment, Baldrick? [he turns his horse away]
[Just away from the battle, King on foot meets Richard on horseback]
Richard: Your Majesty, you've lost your steed! Take mine!
King: No, no, no. I've won the battle; I've saved the kingdom; I think I
can find myself a horse!
Richard: How true, My Noble Lord. I'll see you back at the castle!
King: So be it!
[Richard rides off. King walks along, calling...]
King: A horse! [whistles a call] A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
[He stops as he sees a horse -- Edmund's -- tied to a tree.]
Ah, Horsie! [He approaches the horse. Edmund, doing business behind
a nearby bush, sees.]
Edmund: [mumbling to himself] Who is this?
[as King bends over to untie the horse from the tree, Edmund walks up
behind...]
Edmund: [drawing his sword] Wait! That's my horse! [swings his sword;
lops King's head clean off. He's rather surprised at his strength
but quickly gets a cocky feeling, and laughs a bit.] There, that'll
teach you! [He picks up the helmeted head] You won't be doing
>that< again, now will you? [He lifts the helmet's face shield,
then lowers the shield]
Oh my god. It's Uncle Richard.
[Edmund screams. Baldrick runs up, having just parked his mule by
the tree.]
Baldrick: What's that, My Lord?
Edmund: Hmm? [Frightenedly tosses the head to Baldrick.]
Baldrick: [catches the head with a chuckle, then lifts the face shield]
Oh dear -- Richard III. [half shouts] What are you going to do?
Edmund: Well, quick, quick... [he turns the body over, takes the head back
and tries to replace it, asking Baldrick to hold it in steady. He
moves the corpse's arms about, and beats on its chest. Baldrick
for a moment puts his face down, trying to resuscitate the body
through the face shield.]
Baldrick: [points to something off-shot] My Lord! That hut there!
[They each grab a leg and drag the body away. The head stays behind.]
[They enter a small cottage. Baldrick is solely dragging the body
now. Edmund enters afterward, carrying a gauntlet.]
Edmund: [still entering] Come on! Come on! Will you wait! Will you wait!
[Baldrick collapses exhausted on the corpse.]
Edmund: [closing the door] Ah, well done... [He sits on a barrel, then
notices that something's missing.] Where's the head?
Baldrick: I thought you had it.
Edmund: Baldrick, I can't be expected to carry everything!
[They hear someone approaching. Edmund cowers; Baldrick prepares to
strike down the intruder with some sort of blunt object. The door
opens, and Percy enters.]
Edmund: Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute! Where have you been?
Percy: I've just proved that I'm a man! Look what I've found! [He proffers
the head.]
Edmund: Oh, thank God. Quick, Percy, quick -- put it down and let's get out
of here!
Percy: No no no no! I found it. It's mine!
Edmund: What do you mean it's yours? [He tries to take it from Percy.]
Percy: [defensively] I'm going to use it to prove that I killed a nobleman!
Edmund: [stops trying to take the head] And which nobleman, pray...?
Percy: Er... [he looks under the face shield, laughs, then holds the head
proudly] Well, it's the King, actually!
Edmund: [stares at Percy quite intently]
Percy: [frightenedly tosses the head to Edmund]
Edmund: [frightenedly tosses the head to Baldrick]
Baldrick: [frightenedly tosses the head in the barrel]
[a bloodied, armoured man approaches the cottage and staggers in just
as our three were about to leave]
Man: Lost! Lost! All is lost! [he collapses to the floor]
Edmund: What?
Man: Flee! Flee!
Edmund: Oh my god! Quick -- let's get out of here!
Man: Take me with you! [he grabs one of Edmund legs]
Edmund: Get your hands off! [Percy feebly helps in this process]
Man: If you leave me alone here, I'll die.
Edmund: If you don't leave >me< alone, I'll kill you myself! [Baldrick
bops the man on the head with his blunt object. The man falls to
one side.] Now; leave him here, come on! [Edmund, Baldrick, and
Percy make their way out.]
Man: I'll give you money! Ten thousand sovereigns!
[After a moment, the man collapses to the floor. The door opens,
and Percy's head pokes in...]
[cut to Edmund and Baldrick entering the great hall in the castle.
Baldrick keeps running, but Edmund stops as he meets his mother.]
Edmund: [frantic] Mother!
Mother: Edmund, dear. How did it go?
Edmund: Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates!
Mother: Oh, but, Edmund, I'm not ready -- I haven't had a bath or anything.
Edmund: Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here, they'll
brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle!
Mother: Ah, well, I shan't bother to change, then.
[Baldrick runs into the doorway across the hall.]
Baldrick: My Lord!
Edmund: What do you want?
Baldrick: Listen!
[An army's drums can be heard faintly in the distance.]
Edmund: Oh my god! They're here already! [He begins to run down the hall,
shouting.] Run for your lives! Run for the hills!
Baldrick: Er, My Lord, they're coming from the hills.
Edmund: [still shouting] Oh, sorry. Run >away< from the hills! Run away
from the hills! If you see the hills, run the other way!
[Percy arrives.]
Percy: No, My Lord, it's all right -- they're flying the banners of our
King Richard.
Edmund: Well, that's impossible -- he's dead, isn't he!
Mother: [shocked] King Richard, dead?
Edmund: [suddenly not so frantic] Yes... Errr, God knows how...
Mother: Oh, dear. That's really upset the tulip cart.
Edmund: [frantic again] Those flags, Percy, are obviously just a cunning
trick to deceive us into staying!
Baldrick: No, My Lord, I don't think it is a cunning trick.
Edmund: Well, no, it's not a particularly cunning trick, because we've
seen through it! [He locks the main entrance to the great hall.]
But obviously they thought it was cunning when they thought it out.
Baldrick: What I mean, My Lord, is that I don't think they did think it out.
Edmund: What, you think someone else thought it up, and they've borrowed it
for the occasion?
Baldrick: No, My Lord. I don't think it's a trick at all.
Edmund: You don't think that riding up to a castle under someone else's
banner is a trick? [sarcastically] Well, no, I suppose it isn't!
[There's a banging on the main door. Edmund screams and goes through
the inner door. The main door has been broken down.]
Percy: [He and Baldrick remain in the great hall.] It's only your father.
Richard: [entering with his entourage] Who locked that bloody door?
Mother: Richard, it's you!
Richard: Well, who did you expect it to be, woman?
Mother: Why, I thought it would be Henry Tunip.
Richard: Henry Tunip? Have you lost your conkers?
Mother: So you won?
Richard: Yes, of course! >We< won! We won! Victory!
[General cheers from his entourage.]
Mother: So, I suppose now >you< want to ravish me...
Richard: [shocked] Yes, yes, in a moment... [He turns to Lord Chiswick,
one of his entourage.] The woman's insatiable! [He shouts.]
Three cheers for good King Richard! Hap hap! ["Huzzah!"] Hap hap!
["Huzzah!"] Hap hap! ["Huzzah!"]
[Edmund appears from the opposite end he left, behind the group.]
Edmund: [weakly] Huzzah...
Richard: All we need now is for King Richard to be here, and the day shall
complete!
Mother: Yes, what a pity he's dead.
Richard: [shocked whisper] What? Who told you that?
Mother: Well, Edmund. [nods to his direction]
Richard: [he and the group turn to face Edmund.] Is this true?
Edmund: [quite intimidated, as well as fearing for his life] Errr, well,
I wouldn't know, really. I was...nowhere near him at the time.
I... I just...heard from someone that he'd, er... er... I mean,
I don't even know where he was killed. I was completely on the
opposite side of the field. I was nowhere near the cottage.
[Everyone questions that last statement, with stares.]
Edmund: ...not that it was a cottage -- it was a river. But, then,
I wouldn't know, of course, because I wasn't there. But,
apparently, some fool cut his head off...or at least killed him
in some way...perhaps...took an ear off or something. Yes, yes,
in fact, I think he was only wounded! er, or was that somebody
else? Yes, I think it was. Why, he wasn't even wounded!
[Harry is staggering in behind Edmund, carrying the headless corpse,
and the crown.]
Edmund: [not noticing Harry] Why, did someone say he was dead?
Harry: Yes!
Richard: What!
Harry: It's true, My Lord! I stumbled on his body myself! O, pardon me,
thou bleeding piece of earth! [He places the body on the floor,
and lies on top of it.]
Richard: Er, yes...
Harry: Good night, sweet [king? (It's not `prince')]... \
>
Richard: Yes, yes, that's enough of that, thank you, Harry... /
Harry: ...and flights of angels sing thee to thy [?]! \
>
Richard: Thank you, Harry... [shouts, annoyed] Thank you, Harry! /
[angered whisper] Yes! ...and we all know who did this dreadful
deed -- [he looks at Edmund] don't we?
[Edmund slowly nods, as a sort of confession, and closes his eyes,
preparing to have his head cut off.]
Richard: Henry Tudor!
[Edmund's nod increases in speed, he opens his eyes and grins.]
Richard: Yes! and he still roams free! [He shouts quite loudly.]
Harry, call for silence!
[Everyone is silent.]
Harry: [shouts] Silence! [He slowly lowers the the crown onto his father's
head.] ...for the King! [Everyone, including Harry, kneels or bows
before Richard.]
Everyone but Richard: Long live King Richard IV!
King (previously `Richard'): This day has been as 'twere
A mighty stew
In which the beef of victory
Was mix'd
With the vile turnip
Of sweet Richard slain
And the grisly dumpling
Of his killer fled.
But we must eat
The yellow wobbly parts
[?] two [?] serves.
In life, each man gets
What he deserves!
[His speech over, King looks around at the kneeled assembly.]
King: [nonchalant] Well, come on -- let's go and kill some more prisoners.
[His original entourage stands up excitedly.]
King: Hap hap! ["Huzzah!"] Hap hap! ["Huzzah!"] Hap hap! ["Huzzah!"]
[Cut to Edmund's room. He, Percy and Baldrick enter, dejectedly.
Once they're in and the door closes, Edmund slowly turns and begins
begins to grin.]
Edmund: Hurray! [The others are excited now too.] We're safe! and I am
a prince of the realm! Hap hap! [Baldrick says "Huzzah!" first,
as Percy forgets the word.] Can you imagine the power...
Percy: ...and it's ours! all ours!
Edmund: What?
Baldrick: >Yourscould< be `Coverdale')]
Edmund: Lord Coverdale...
Harry: ...who fought on >our< side, I believe.
Edmund: Er, yes... I think Lord Coverdale saw me slaying, erm...
[Baldrick turns 90 degrees, turns his head and looks out the corner
of his eye, then tilts his helmet over his eyes in an effeminate
pose.]
Edmund: ...Warwick.
Harry: Warwick the Wild of Leicester?
Edmund: Yes, that's him -- and pretty wild he was, too! He took some
finishing off, I can tell you!
Harry: Yes, indeed -- I killed him myself at one point. Anyone else?
Edmund: Erm...erm...let me see... Just trying to put names to faces...
Harry: Yes, well, this is the list of the lords as yet unaccounted for:
Roger de Runcie...
Edmund: Oh, de Runcie, yes, he was one of mine.
Harry: Lord Thomas of Devon...
Edmund: Ah, yes, backslash...
Harry: Lord Yeovil...
Edmund: Ah, yes, groin job...
Harry: Good lord! This is remarkable, Edmund! Remarkable!
Oh, and the Bishop of Bath and Wells--
Edmund: Ah, yes, will never walk again!
Harry: ...will conduct the thanksgiving service.
Edmund: Oh, Bath and >Wells<...
Harry: [Turns to Percy.] Ah, Lord Percy! Edmund tells me that you managed
to turn up late for the battle, [he begins walking out] so there's
not much point in asking you your score, is there? [Leaves]
[Percy tries to speak, but can't think of anything. He's upset.
He turns to face Edmund.]
Edmund: Ha hah!!!
Baldrick: Ha hah!!!
Percy: [bitterly sarcastic] Ha hah...
Edmund: At last I can relax! [He opens the curtain to his bed, to find the
dying man lying in it. He turns back to Percy and Baldrick, and
speaks quietly.] Who the hell is this?
Percy: Ah, well, you remember that dying man we saw in the cottage?
Edmund: The one I specifically told you not to bring back to the castle
under any circumstances?
Percy: Mm hmm, yes, that's the one, yes.
Edmund: So what is he doing in my bed?
Percy: Well, he claims to be a wealthy man. I thought, if we nurse him
back to health, he may reward us.
Edmund: No, wait -- I think I have an idea... If he is a wealthy man, and
we nurse him back to health, he may reward us!
Baldrick: Oh, brilliant, My Lord -- very quick thinking.
Edmund and Percy: Thank you, Baldrick. [Edmund eyes Percy angrily.]
Edmund: Well, what would you expect? After all, who has the fastest
brain in the land?
Baldrick: Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh!
Edmund: Who is the boldest horseman in the land? [Looking at Percy.]
Baldrick: Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh! \
>
Percy: [catching on] ...Duke of Edinburgh! /
Edmund: Who is the bravest swordsman in the land?
Percy: Oh, don't tell me! It's that [?] from Norfolk...
Edmund: PRINCE...
Baldrick and Percy: Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh!
Edmund: Precisely. [dramatically] Or, as I shall be known from now on:
The Black...
Vegetable!
Baldrick: My Lord, wouldn't something like `The Black Adder' sound better?
Edmund: No, wait -- I think I have a better idea... What about:
The Black...
Adder!
[Cut to scene of him choosing a new outfit. He points to a black
suit with a coiled snake on it and a black cape; a pair of black
shoes, more suited to a jester; a black bowl for haircut style.
Cut to finishing of his haircut -- very short hair. He looks in a
mirror, and stands up. Camera pans down to look at his entire
outfit... large black rings, black tights and all.]
[Cut to an inner hallway. Edmund, Baldrick and Percy enter,
laughing.]
Baldrick: Very witty, My Lord.
Edmund: Ah, thank you, Baldrick.
Percy: Very very very witty, My Lord.
Edmund: Ah, thank you, Percy.
Baldrick: You're certainly wittier than your father, My Lord.
Percy: ...and head and shoulders over Richard III!
Edmund: [Turns on Percy.] IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE WITTY?
Percy: Er, no, My Lord... No, no...that...that was...an example of the
sort of thing that you yourself would not stoop to...
Edmund: GO AWAY!
Baldrick and Percy: Yes, My Lord.
[Edmund enters his room, closing the door. He hangs up his black
hat, then goes to his bed, with the man in it. The man is awake,
having soup.]
Edmund: Ah, you're still here, are you?
Man: Er, yes.
[Edmund looks closely at the man. Viewers see a flashback to the
opening of the show. The man is Henry Tudor.]
Edmund: Wait a moment -- haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Henry (previously `Man'): I don't know. I feel I've seen you before, also.
Edmund: Well, I am Prince Edmund, son of Richard IV!
Why? Who are you?
Henry: [shocked to discover where he is] Well, erm, I'm, er, not important.
Edmund: Not important? You mean you're not rich?
Henry: No. [Knows that that would mean death.] Yes! Yes, I'm incredibly
rich! I'm...I'm a very wealthy, errm, modest person, who wishes to
remain nameless.
Edmund: Well, you'd better be rich. Get your money together, get better,
and get out of my bed, is that clear? [He shuts the curtain.]
[Edmund looks around, uncovers a home-made crown, puts it on and
looks at himself in the mirror.]
Ghost (of Richard III): Oh yes, very fetching.
[Edmund turns, and screams for about six seconds.]
Ghost: ...and hello to >you<.
Edmund: Uh, uh, er, hello...hello...er...goodness me...I hadn't...
expected...to see you...like this.
Ghost: Sitting down, you mean?
Edmund: Er, yes, yes, that's right: sitting down. Goodness, look! Look!
You're sitting down.
Ghost: Yes.
Edmund: Why, I haven't seen you sitting down since, er...hoo...
Ghost: Yesterday?
Edmund: Was it only yesterday? Good lord! Erm, errr...well...
How was your battle?
Ghost: Fine. Somebody cut my head off at one point, but otherwise
everything went swimmingly. ...and how are you, Edna?
Edmund: Er, Edmund.
Ghost: Your father told me `Edna'.
Edmund: No...
Ghost: So, Edna, you loathsome little fairy maggot, how are you?
Edmund: Er, how...how very very kind of you to ask, erm, Your Majesty...
I'm very well, and, er, and it's very good to see you, because,
frankly...
Ghost: Yes?
Edmund: Well, well, well, frankly...er... Gosh, you look well.
Ghost: Frankly what? Spit it out, you horrid little scabby reptile!
Edmund: Er, well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead.
Ghost: Well, frankly, [his head rises from his body to be level with Edmund]
I am.
Edmund: Eugh!
[There's a knock at the door.]
Ghost: [to the door] Do come in.
Edmund: [rushing to the door] No! Don't come in!
Queen (previously `Mother'): [From outside the door] Why not?
Have you got someone in there with you?
Edmund: Erm, not as such...
Queen: Is it a woman?
Edmund: No!
Queen: Is it a man?
Edmund: Err, [he watches the Ghost's head fly about the room]
err, yes, yes it is.
Queen: You hesitated, Edmund -- it's not a sheep, is it?
Edmund: No, of course it isn't a sheep!
Queen: Well then, let me in!
Ghost: [body together, standing] So, farewell, Edna! You'll be seeing
me later. [The body walks off; the head remains.]
Edmund: Erm, have, er, have you got...transport? Erm, perhaps you'd like to
borrow my horse again... [considers the possibility that the ghost
doesn't know its slayer] or at all! I mean, not that you've
borrowed it before...
Ghost: [The body returns, gesturing for the head to follow.]
Coming! [Leaves]
[Edmund opens the door. Queen enters.]
Queen: Are you all right, Edmund? [Edmund quickly removes -- and hides --
his crown.] Why, you look as though you've just seen a ghost!
Edmund: Er, yes?
Queen: Hurry up, anyway -- you're expected at the banquet!
[Henry is listening from the bed.]
Edmund: Erm, look, er, Mother, er... You won't tell anyone about my
oversleeping, er, this morning and... and what have you, now
will you?
Queen: Now, would I, Edmund... Do I tell people that your brother Harry
is scared of spoons? or that your father has very small private
parts? [She moves from the closet to the bed.]
Edmund: [trying to stop her] Oh! Mother!
Henry: [like a sheep] Baaaa! Baaaa!
Queen: Oh, Edmund! It's the lying I find so hurtful...
Edmund: [with uneasy grin] Baaaa...
[Cut to banquet. Edmund enters, and prepares to sit between his
father and his brother -- in Richard III's seat.]
Edmund: So sorry I'm late...
King: HOLD! YOU DARE SIT THERE, BOY? That was King Richard's seat!
Would you insult his ghost?
Edmund: Eugh, erm, no, no -- sorry.
[Ghost appears in the chair, but only Edmund can see or hear it.]
Ghost: Yes, find your own chair, you smelly little dog's pizzle!
Edmund: Eugh! [he goes back to the his normal spot and the end of table]
King: [speaking across where Ghost is, to Harry] How many prisoners have
you got, Harry?
Ghost: I'm not Harry -- I'm... I'm Richard. >He's< Harry. \
>
Harry: I've still got the [?] of [?] down in the dungeons, Father. /
King: Send the [?] to my room, will you?
Harry: Very well. Do you want them hung? \
>
Ghost: [waving] Hello? /
King: No -- fresh ones; I want to practice my backhand. \
>
Ghost: Hello? Is anybody there? /
Harry: Oh, I don't think you need to, the way you slaughtered Lord Snedley!
Ghost: Hello???
King: Oh, I wish Uncle Dicky was here.
Ghost: Don't `Dicky' me, Ducky...
King: [stands, bangs gold wine pitcher on table thrice, then holds up his
goblet and speaks] Tonight, honoured friends, we are gathered
to celebrate a great victory, and to mourn a great loss. [Raises his
goblet] A toast: to our triumph! ["Our triumph!"] [Ghost looks
quite bored.] ...and I raise a royal curse upon the man who slew
Richard, our noble king!
Ghost: [stands, points to Edmund] It was him!
Edmund: Oh my god!
King: Quiet at the end there! [shouts again] Whoever it was...
Ghost: [seated again] It was him -- Edna!
King: Wherever he be...
Ghost: He's down there at the end!
King: He shall be struck down!
Ghost: Well then get on with it, you stupid oaf -- he's there!
Edmund: It wasn't me!
King: Who said that?
Ghost: The idiot who killed me this afternoon!
Edmund: I didn't!
King: Well then, who did?
Harry: It >was< actually Edmund who interrupted, Sire.
Ghost: Hang the little slug!
[Edmund screams and crawls under the table.]
King: I WILL HAVE SILENCE! [bangs pitcher on table once more. Raises
goblet again] Another toast: to dead King Richard.
Ghost: [disgustedly] Oh my god...
King: Gentlemen... ["King Richard."]
Ghost: [still disgusted] Well, thank you, [?]. Thank you. Thank you
very much for nothing. Thank you so much. That's the last you'll
be seeing of me...not that you've seen much of me, in any case.
[he has faded away]
[Edmund, still on his knees on the floor, but now out from under
the table, wipes his brow and sighs.]
King: Now that we have silence, we shall continue with the ceremony of
desecration. Produce the portrait of the pretender, Henry Tudor!
[A man carries the portait down the room. People hiss and make
general noises of unpleasantness.]
Edmund: [recognising the face as the man in his bed] Oh my god!
[he crawls out of the room on his hands and knees]
[Follow Edmund down inner hallway. From inside his room, Ghost
opens the door.]
Ghost: Good evening.
Edmund: Where's Henry Tudor! [he rushes to the bed]
Ghost: [suddenly in the bed] Baaaa!
Edmund: Oh no! Where is he? Where is he? [he checks the closet]
Ghost: [suddenly inside the closet, wiggles his fingers, making spooky
`woo!' noise]
Edmund: [He looks out the window to see a horseman riding out of the
castle. He runs to the door, and it is opened by Ghost. He
bows to Ghost as he exits, and speaks scaredly respectively.]
Thank you...thank you so much.
[Edmund chases Henry on horseback out of the castle and into a meadow
outside. We see Ghost snap his fingers, and the meadow suddenly is
foggy. Edmund rides out of the fog, at a clearing in the woods, to
find three old witches bent over a cauldron.]
Witches tutti: Oooh... Oooh... Oooh... Oooh...
Edmund: [Having dismounted, he stands next to them, and clears his throat.]
Witches tutti: [startled] Oooh!
Goncril: Hail!
Cordelia: Hail!
Regan: Hail!
Goncril: Ruler of men...
Cordelia: Ravisher of women...
Regan: Slayer of kings!
Edmund: Be gone, hideous crones!
Goncril: Be not afraid...
Cordelia: Be not overcome with fear...
Regan: Be not paralysed with terror...
Edmund: [bored] Why have you lured me here, you loathsome drabs?
Regan: We bear good news.
Edmund: What news could such repulsive harbingers convey?
Cordelia: To-day has brought misfortune...
Goncril: But one day...
Witches tutti: O, glorious day!
Cordelia: One day...
Witches tutti: O, happy day!
[pause]
Edmund: Yes?
Witches tutti: You shall be king!
Edmund: [excited] Really?
Witches tutti: Yes! Your Majesty! [they bow]
Edmund: Well, that >is< good news, isn't it? [mounting his horse]
God be with you, you snaggletoothed vultures!
History, here I come!
[begin theme music]
The sound of hoofbeats cross the glade
Good folk, lock up your son and daughter
Beware the deadly flashing blade
Unless you want to end up shorter
Black Adder! Black Adder!
He rides a pitch-black steed
Black Adder! Black Adder!
He's very bad indeed
Black: His gloves of finest mole
Black: His codpiece made of metal
His horse is blacker than a vole
His pot is blacker than his kettle
Black Adder! Black Adder!
With many a cunning plan
Black Adder! Black Adder!
You horrid little man
Cast in Order of Precedence
Richard III . . . . . . . . . . . Peter Cook
Richard IV . . . . . . . . . . . Brian Blessed
Henry VII . . . . . . . . . . . . Peter Benson
Harry, Prince of Wales . . . . . Robert East
Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh . . . . Rowan Atkinson
Percy, Duke of Northumberland . . Tim McInnerny
The Queen . . . . . . . . . . . . Elspet Gray
Painter . . . . . . . . . . . . . Philip Kendall
Goncril . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kathleen St. John
Regan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Barbara Miller
Cordelia . . . . . . . . . . . . Gretchen Franklin
Baldrick . . . . . . . . . . . . Tony Robinson
Written by Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson
With additional dialogue by William Shakespeare
A BBC TV Production in association with The Seven Network, Australia
Music composed by Howard Goodall
Graphic Designer Steve Connelly
Property Buyers Penny Rollinson Tricia Ruddell
Visual Effects Designer Chris Lawson
Production Assistant Jan Hallett
Assistant Floor Manager Hilary Bevan-Jones
Film Camerman Willian Dudman
Film Recordist Clive Derbyshire
Film Editor Mike Jackson
Camera Supervisor Ron Peverall
Vision Mixer Angela Wilson
VT Editor Mykola Pawluk
Costume Designer Odile Dicks-Mireaux
Make-Up Designer Deanne Turner
Technical Manager Terry Brett
Lighting Brian Clemett
Sound Richard Chamberlain
Production Manager Marcus Mortimer
Designers Nigel Curzon Chris Hull
Director Martin Shardlow
Producer John Lloyd
Goncril: He wasn't as I expected him.
Regan: I thought he was very rude.
Goncril: I thought Henry Tudor would be better looking.
Cordelia: Yes -- not so Jewish.
Regan: ...more like that man who rode by just before.
Cordelia: Oops.
Regan: Oops.
Goncril: Oops.
Regan: We've done it again...
Cordelia: Silly witching...
Goncril: [??????]
MADE IN GLORIOUS TELEVISION
(C) BBC MCMLXXXIII
Back to top of Part 1
Caption: In 1486, the second year of Richard IV's historic reign and also
the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of
currency, King Richard departed England on a Crusade against the
Turks.
King: As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's
Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!"
Caption: He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to
rule as Regent in his stead. (Harry looks as though he doesn't
quite remember the line about thy neighbour in those words.)
King: Farewell, dear Harry.
Harry: Farewell, Father.
Caption: ...and his slimy son Edmund to do the tasks most befitting him.
King: Edward... (rides off)
Baldrick: My Lord, with the King gone...
Edmund: Hmmm? Of course! At last, a chance for some real power! (laughs in
his ridiculous-sounding evil way)
(opening credits)
**Caption: Twelve months later**
(Edmund is on horseback, with his sword raised in the air. He shouts.)
Edmund: On! Onward! I want you scum back to the castle by sundown, or you'll
all be slaughtered! Onward!
(sounds of `Baaa' are heard as Edmund speaks to his flock of sheep, in
heavy snowfall)
Edmund: Come on! Come on! Keep going! I've just about had enough of you!
Sheep: Bbbbaaaaa!
Edmund: Shut up!
Sheep: Bbaaaa! (They begin to run.)
Edmund: Come on! No, that's not the way you're going. Stop! Where are you
going? No, not away from the castle!
Sheep: Bbbaaa!
Edmund: Shut up!
(cut to room in the castle)
Harry: (standing by the fire, reading a note) Splendid! Splendid!
(Edmund enters the adjacent hallway)
Edmund: (to sheep) Now look, you're not supposed to be here. That's far
enough, now get out! (shuts door, begins to walk down the hallway)
If I could get my hands on that bastard brother, Harry...
Harry: Ah, Edmund! (Edmund stops dead in his tracks in surprise, then
continues walking, as though not hearing, behind a bit of wall).
Edmund? (Edmund reappears, in the next doorway) Ah, there you are.
Splendid news, Edmund -- Father's coming home! He writes here that
he'll be back by St. Leonard's Day. Excellent! So we can celebrate
both events together!
(Edmund has just got to the fire, but now Harry pulls him aside, across the
room. Edmund tries to turn toward the fire, but to no avail. He is frozen
stiff.)
Harry: Now then, I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course, er, the
guards of honour, and the papal legate; and you can, er, you can sort
out the frolicks.
Edmund: The frolicks?
Harry: Yes, the Morris Dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women -- you
know: the traditional St. Leonard's Day entertainments. Oh damnation,
though, I don't think I'm going to have enough time to attend to the
drains. Edmund, you'll have to look into those as well.
Edmund: (shivering from cold) Oh, er, yes, fine, fine. I'd, I'd be honoured.
Harry: Good. You won't let me down, now, will you?
Edmund: No, no, no, no. I'm, I'm really looking forward to it already. Thank
you so very much.
Harry: Splendid! (exits)
(Edmund is in the room alone)
Edmund: (returning to the fire) Twelve months of chasing sheep and
straightening the royal portraits, and now this! The bastard!
The BASTARD!
(enter Baldrick)
Baldrick: If only he were, My Lord.
Edmund: What?! (dramatic organ music begins)
Baldrick: If only he were a bastard, My Lord, then you would be Regent now.
Edmund: Ah, yes. And then, one day....
(enter Lord Percy)
Percy: You would be King, My Lord.
Edmund: Ah yes, yes. I would be King! And then what?
Baldrick: (puts his hands together, then moves them apart, making \
a large globe motion) You'd rule the world, My Lord! \
>
Percy: (moves an outstretched arm across a flat plane) /
You'd rule the world, My Lord! /
Edmund: Precisely! It's just not fair, you know. Every other damn woman in the
court has bastard sons, but not my mother, oohhh no... She's so damn
pure, she'd hate to look down in case she notices her own breasts.
(cut to hallway outside the throne room. Edmund's mother, the Queen,
speaks to Countess Celia.)
Celia: You must be so looking forward to the King's return, Your Majesty.
Queen: (surprised at the remark) No.
Celia: No, My Lady? But think: he will come to your chamber and make mad,
passionate love to you!
Queen: Yes, I wish he wouldn't do that. It's very difficult to sleep with that
kind of thing going on, you know; being used all night long, like the
outside of a sausage roll...
Celia: (??), and we've got the St. Leonard's Day celebrations to look forward
to: the jesters, the jugglers...
Queen: The great brown ox steaming and smouldering all night long...
Celia: (excited) Oh yes -- the feast!
Queen: Sorry? No, I was thinking of something else.
Ceila: I particularly hope they've got the Morris dancers. I *love* them.
Queen: Yes. I like the eunuchs.
Celia: Oh yes, the eunuchs! Ah, I wish I owned one.
Queen: I wish I'd married one.
(cut to Edmund's quarters)
Edmund: (speaking to a woman who looks very apologetic) No, no; fine, fine;
it could've happened to anyone. Never mind, never mind. (shuts door)
Oh, God, I don't believe it. We've only got one act, and she
shaved her beard off.
Percy: There's always the eunuchs, My Lord.
Edmund: Oh yes, so? The eunuchs and the Amazing Beardless Woman. What a
(??). Percy, there must be someone else, there must be! Look...
(they look through some papers on the desk)
Percy: Ah, there's The Jumping Jews of Jerusalem, My Lord.
Edmund: What do they do?
Percy: (as though that was a silly question) They jump, My Lord.
Edmund: What?
Percy: They come in, My Lord, and they jump ... a lot. It's a humourous
act.
Edmund: Nah dah dah! There must be something else, surely! Ah, what's this?
" `The Death of the Pharoah': Sir Dominick Prique and His Magnificient
(??) Wooferoonies perform the tragic ancient Eygptian masterpiece,
`The Death of the Pharoah'." Well, that sounds funny.
Percy: No, no, no -- I find that very moving, My Lord.
Edmund: Well, it better be funny, or Prique will get his come-uppance, I can
tell you. Now, book him.
Baldrick: My Lord, what about Jerry Meriwether and His Four Chickens.
Edmund: (sarcastic) What do they do? Lay eggs?
Baldrick: Yes, My Lord.
Edmund: (desperate) Oh, all right, all right, we'll have them, we'll have them.
(There's a knock at the door. Percy opens it to find the messenger holding out
a note.)
Messenger: My Lord...
(Percy takes the note and slams the door in the messenger's face. He gives
the note to Edmund, who opens it, reads it, and closes it.)
Percy: Wha-- what is it, My Lord?
Edmund: (slowly, seriously) The eunuchs have cancelled.
Baldrick: Oh dear.
Edmund: Ha! I should have known -- never trust a eunuch!
Percy: What are we going to do?
Edmund: Well, I know what I'm going to do. Baldrick, give me an
execution order. I'm gonna teach them a lesson they'll
never forget. I'll remove whatever extraneous parts of
their bodies still remain.
(Edmund makes out the order, and goes to the door. Upon opening it, he
finds the messenger still waiting for his tip, holding out his hand.)
Messenger: My Lord...
Edmund: Take that to Lord Chancellor, thank you. (Puts the order in the
messenger's hand then slams the door) Oh God, this is desperate!
Desperate!
Percy: We could have the Morris dancers, My Lord.
Edmund: Now look, we are not *that* desperate! Morris dancing is the
most fatuous (tantuate?) entertainment ever devised by man -- forty
effeminate blacksmiths waving bits of cloth they've just wiped their
noses on... How it's still going on in this day and age, I'll never
know.
Percy: (confused) Sorry, so do you want them or not?
(Edmund hits Percy over the head with a scrolled paper as Harry enters.)
Harry: Ah, Edmund!
(Edmund begins jumping, hitting Percy and himself with the paper, looking
like a Morris dance. Percy and Baldrick join in, all of them hitting each
other on the head with bits of paper.)
Edmund: ...and rest.
Harry: (applauds) Oh, splendid! and how are the rest of the entertainments
coming along?
Edmund: Erm, very very well indeed. Umm, I think it's going to have a
slightly Spartan look.
Harry: What, Greek?
Edmund: Er...yes, that's right. Yes, um...Greek.
Harry: Oh good. Everyone turning up?
Edmund: Oh absolutely everyone. So many people in fact, I'm afraid I've had
to let the eunuchs go.
Harry: Oh no no no no no no!
Edmund: No?
Harry: No! That won't do at all -- not on St. Leonard's Day, because, well
correct me if I'm wrong, Lord Percy, but, er, St. Leonard himself
was an eunuch.
(Edmund, behind Harry, shakes his had `No' at Percy.)
Percy: (obeys Edmund's head movement, but knows the correct answer)
Yyyyyes, that's right.
(Harry, confused at why Percy was shaking his head, turns back to Edmund, who,
still shaking his head, suddenly hits himself on the head with the paper, as
though he was just dancing again.)
Edmund: Well, that's why I thought it might be more tactful if--
Harry: Oh no no no no no no no. To leave out the eunuchs on St. Leonard's
Day would be like, well, it would be like leaving out the Morris
dancers, or the bearded women!
(Edmund, Percy and Baldrick all pretend to laugh at the absurd thought)
Harry: Besides, Lord Dougal McAngus, the King's Supreme Commander, is
expected at the feast, and, as you know, eunuchs are his particular
favourite.
Edmund: (confused) Hmm?
Harry: He's Scottish, you see.
Edmund: Ahhhh!
Harry: Good, good. Well, I'm relying on you, Edmund. Carry on. (exits)
Edmund: So! Some carrot-faced, thistle-arsed Scottish orangutan wants
a eunuch, does he?
Percy: Apparently he's a great warrior, My Lord...
Edmund: Yes, that's what they all say, those Scots. They're just barbarians!
Half of them can't even speak English.
Baldrick: What do they speak?
Edmund: I don't know -- it's all Greek to me.
Percy: They speak Greek?
Edmund: No, I mean it sounds like Greek.
Percy: Well, if sounds like Greek, it probably is Greek.
Edmund: It's not Greek!
Percy: ...but it sounds like Greek. "What's not Greek but sounds like Greek?"
That's a good one, My Lord!
Edmund: Look, it's not meant to be a brainteaser, Percy! I'm simple telling
you that I cannot understand a blind word they're saying!
Percy: Well, no wonder, My Lord -- you never learned Greek, of course.
Edmund: (calmly) Percy, have you ever wondered what your insides look like?
Percy: Sometimes, My Lord, yes.
Edmund: (holds up a knife, shouts) Then I'd be perfectly willing to satisfy
your curiousity! Is that clear? Is it?
Oh my God, this Scotsman's beginning to annoy me already. I'm
the Duke of Edinburgh, you know, and Laird of Roxburgh, Selkirk
and Peebles. I can make things very difficult for him.
As for these entertainments, oh, I don't know... Baldrick, you've got
a beard -- go and get yourself a nice dress.
Baldrick: (excited) Oh, great, My Lord! (exits)
Edmund: Percy, you'd better go and get Bernard the Bear Baiter...
Percy: Yes, My Lord. (begins to leave)
Edmund: ...looks like we'll be needing him. Oh, and, Percy...
Percy: Yes, My Lord?
Edmund: Tell him to bring a bear this time. (Percy leaves; Edmund speaks to
himself) The improvising last year was pathetic!
(in the dining room)
Harry: (stands) Now then, Mother: a toast to Father's return.
(a fanfare plays; enter a man, on horseback, wearing a horned helmet)
Harry: What the devil?! (then he realizes who it is) It's McAngus!
(Queen is excited, too)
Queen: (???????)
(McAngus dismounts, removes his helmet, giving it to a guard, then takes
a couple bags from his horse, and approaches the table)
McAngus: Noble Harry, Prince of Wales, Dougal McAngus greets you, and lays
at your feet the spoils of an enemy at war.
(he dumps the contents of a bag on the table; a severed human head)
McAngus: Oh, sorry -- that's my overnight bag. (he dumps the other bag
on the table; gold Turkish goblets etc.) Behold! Treasures torn
from the (??) of the Turks!
Harry: Oh, McAngus! It fills me with joy and hope to see you! (they shake
hands firmly) What news of my father, the King?
McAngus: When I last saw him, he swore he would be back for the Feast of
St. Leonard, or die in the attempt.
Harry: God forfend! We shall pray for his safe return. Join us! Join us!
You must be starving.
McAngus: (motions behind him) And young (Lochenbaugh?)?
Harry: (looking toward the doorway) Oh yes, and him too.
McAngus: Come on, Lochenbaugh! (he leads his horse to the table; Queen is
a bit shocked. He steps over the table and sits down beside Queen,
where Harry had motioned for him to sit)
McAngus: (to Queen) You must be the King's wee bit of rumpy-pumpy, eh?
Queen: (confused) I am the Queen.
McAngus: Aye, aye. Listen, I got a message for you. My father asked me to send
his regards to you.
Queen: Do I know him?
McAngus: Oh, I think you can say that, yes -- he's Donald McAngus, Third Duke
of Argyll. (laughs)
Queen: (very shocked) Oh...
(There is an extremely poorly played fanfare; Edmund enters, sneering at
the trumpeter)
Harry: Ah, Edmund, there you are. McAngus, this is the man who's providing
the entertainments for us tomorrow.
McAngus: Ah, the eunuch! (hands Edmund a coin) Here's a groat for your trouble.
Edmund: (holding back his anger, which raises the pitch of his voice)
Agghh, I am not a eunuch.
McAngus: You sound like one to me.
Edmund: (clears his throat) I am not a eunuch. I am the Duke of Edinburgh.
McAngus: (chuckles) Oh, you are, are you?
Edmund: Yes!
McAngus: (to Queen) Same old story, eh? The Duke of Edinburgh's about
as Scottish as the Queen of England's tits!
(Queen is enormously shocked.)
McAngus: Sorry -- ahem, mere phrase, Your Majesty.
Edmund: I'm sorry, you're in my chair.
McAngus: Don't apologise.
(Edmund is quite inflamed; he goes down to his knees (there are no chairs
left).)
Harry: (stands, holding a large document) Well, now we've all got to know
each other, I have rather a special announcement to make.
McAngus: Don't tell me you're a eunuch as well...!
Harry: McAngus, as reward for your heroic deeds in battle, my father here
empowers me to grant you anything that you may desire of me.
Edmund: (sotto voce) If he's got any sense, he'll ask for a haircut.
McAngus: (stands) My Lord, I'm honoured. All I ask for is a scrap of land.
Grant me fair Selkirk, and the noble sire of Roxburgh.
Edmund: (stands) What?!
Harry: Very well. By the power invested in me--
Edmund: Er, excuse me... Erm, I'm sorry to dip my little fly in your ointment,
but, er, those lands do, in fact, belong to me.
Harry: (as if to say `So?') Yes?
Edmund: Well, so, perhaps, perhaps he'd like to choose somewhere else.
Harry: McAngus?
McAngus: No, no; I'll have Roxburgh and Selkirk.
Edmund: But that leaves me with Peebles!
McAngus: Oh, aye! and Peebles.
Edmund: B-- b-- but...
Harry: Are you trying to say something, Edmund?
Edmund: Well, I don't know, I mean, some people might say, "Well! What an
absurd idea, giving away half of Scotland to a kilted maniac for
slaughtering a couple of syphillitic Turks!"
(McAngus reaches across the table and grabs Edmund)
Edmund: Au contraire! I say, "Let's reward him."
Harry: Good, good! So be it! (him and McAngus laugh and shake hands)
Edmund: (still being held firmly by McAngus) Hurray!
(cut to Edmund's quarters. Baldrick is in a dress and wig, twirling around
in front of Percy, who nods; Edmund enters)
Edmund: I'm gonna kill him, and I'm gonna kill him now!
Percy: Who, My Lord?
Edmund: That stinking Scottish weasel!
Baldrick: Why, My Lord?
Edmund: Because he's a thieving stinking Scottish weasel, that's why!
(he goes to get a knife)
Percy: How?
Edmund: I'm gonna stab him!
Baldrick: Where?
Edmund: In the Great Hall and in the bladder!
(he begins to sharpen a knife)
Percy: But if you do it in front of everybody, won't they suspect something?
Edmund: Ah, yes -- a drawback. Yes... Perhaps we need something a little more
cunning.
Baldrick: I have a cunning plan.
Edmund: Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one.
Baldrick: Well, mine's pretty cunning, My Lord.
Edmund: Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.
Baldrick: Well, that depends how cunning you mean, My Lord.
Edmund: Well, pretty damn cunning. How cunning do you think I mean?
Baldrick: Well, mine's quite cunning, My Lord.
Edmund: (fed up) Alright, then, let's hear it! Let's hear what's so damn
cunning!
Baldrick: Right, well, first of all, you get him to come with you--
Edmund: Oh yes, very cunning. Brilliantly cunning. I ask
him to come with me and then...then stab him, perhaps. How
cunning can you get?
Baldrick: No, My Lord -- you get this enormous great cannon--
Edmund: (as though the idea is ridiculous) Oh, I see, I take him outside,
get him to stick his head down a cannon and then blow it off.
Baldrick: (simultaneously) ...blow it off! Yeah!
Edmund: Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's (thinks about it) ...that's a wonderful
idea. No! I think I have a plan that will give us a little more
*entertainment*. (laughs)
(Edmund looks out the window, and sees McAngus leave. He goes outside and
finds a woman riding a horse, sidesaddle. He bows to her, then grabs her
feet and pushes her off the mount. He then follows the Scotsman, who is out
for a hunt. Edmund sneaks up behind, but gets caught in McAngus' animal
snare.)
Edmund: Aaahhhhh! (now he's hanging upside-down)
McAngus: (without looking) Can I help you?
Edmund: Um, no, no. I'm fine, thank you.
McAngus: Good.
(long pause)
Edmund: I'm not in your way over here, am I?
McAngus: No.
Edmund: Oh, there is just, er, one thing. Um...I was wondering if you could
do me a little favour.
McAngus: (finally stands up and turns to Edmund) Uh huh?
Edmund: Erm, I was wondering if you'd like to help with the celebrations
tonight.
McAngus: How? By staying away, d'you mean?
(Edmund chuckles a bit, then starts to scream as McAngus raises an axe.
McAngus chops Edmund's bindings; Edmund falls to the forest floor, and
remains lying there, trying to look casual.)
Edmund: Erm, well, the thing is: um, we were hoping to present a
mystery play by one of our leading Thespianic troupes, erm, but,
unfortunately, one of their number is ill, erm, and I thought
you'd be the perfect person to (stands) ... to take his place.
McAngus: Well, I warn you (he swipes down at the ground, killing a [badger?]):
I'm no actor.
Edmund: Well, there shouldn't be much acting required. (McAngus tosses the
creature's corpse aside) Erm, it's an ancient Egyptian piece, er,
called `The Death of the Scotsman'.
McAngus: I'll have a crack at it. (throws a knife; a creature releases
a short scream before dying)
Edmund: You...you could play the Scotsman, if you like, who...who dies
at the end of the play.
McAngus: Oh! Acting dead! Now that I can do. (walks off)
Edmund: Yes, well, as I say: there...there may not be much acting required.
(grins evilly to himself, then walks off a bit proudly)
McAngus: Oh, and er, mind the weasel pit.
Edmund: (falls in) Aaahhhhh!
(cut to the entertainments. The Jumping Jews are jumping, all at apparently
different rhythms, despite the rhythmic twang of a Jew's harp. Harry and
Queen look bored. Edmund takes a bit of cloth backstage, checks that no-one
is looking, then replaces the fake, sliding-blade knives for the play with
real ones, which were wrapped in the cloth he was carrying. After wrapping
up the fake knives, he whispers to Percy, who takes the cloth-wrapped fake
knives away. Then Edmund tests the real knives by sticking one into the
table, but he's unable to pull it out. He turns around, hiding the real
knife stuck in the table, as Prique and his Wooferoonies arrive, waving
their arms in the air.)
Prique: Tall trees! Let's see those branches waving and swaying in the
breeze. Taller, taller, taller. Now smaller! (they all crouch down)
Small trees, very small...
Edmund: Ah, Sir Dominick! Have you made the necessary changes?
Prique: Yes, My Lord.
(Edmund finally pulls out the knife, but his energy propels him into
Prique and the Wooferoonies. He does conceal the knife, though, as
McAngus enters, wearing a pharoah's headdress and carrying an Egyptian
cane-thing.)
Edmund: Ah! McAngus! Meet your murderers.
(Prique and the Wooferoonies continue their warmup -- crouching down and then
rising while saying a slow `Woof!' McAngus looks a bit baffled. The
Jumping Jews finish their act, and get very little applause. They go
backstage, where Prique is singing a `mi'. One of the Wooferoonies stops
one of the Jews.)
Wooferoonie (1 or 2?): How did it go?
Jumping Jew: Er, not bad. (He removes his false beard to reveal his real
beard underneath.) But, er, you know, I don't really think they
understood it.
(Prique and the Wooferoonies sheath their knives and begin the play.)
Prique: (????) with most bold intent...
Wooferoonie (1 or 2?): Here by the (?) of the graceful Nile...
Prique: Where camels ride and deserts blow...
Wooferoonie (1 or 2): To spill the blood of this Scotsman vile...
Queen: (to Harry) What is a Scotsman doing in Egypt?
Harry: I'm not sure, but apparently they've had very good reviews.
(backstage)
McAngus: (to Edmund) You see your mother there? I met my father on my way
back from France. Apparently, him and your mother used to (he bends
his arm with a clenched fist) way-hey-hey!
Edmund: Look, don't be absurd; such activities are totally beyond my mother.
My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was
a cure for diarrhoea.
McAngus: Don't you believe it. I got some letters I took (???), and --
by God! -- they're hot stuff! I tell you, they certainly cast
a wee shadow of doubt over the patronage of young Harry for a
start!
Edmund: Look, don't be absu-- (he realises what that would mean)
(meanwhile, on stage)
Wooferoonie (1 or 2?): Silence!
Edmund: (to McAngus backstage) What?!
Wooferoonie (1 or 2?): Listen! A bagpipe strums. Behold! This way our victim
comes. For never was there a tyrant (...) \
\
(backstage) >
/
McAngus: Oh that's my cue! I'm on! /
Edmund: Letters? Letters? Where are these letters?
McAngus: They're safely hidden away. I'll show you them later. (goes on
stage)
Edmund: Oh, all right. (realises that won't be possible) \
\
(play) >
/
Wooferoonie (1 or 2): (...) the shadow of yonder mighty Fen Ness! /
Wooferoonie (the other): Tutankhamen McPerson, you come not a wait too soon;
for is this not the weather fair for this, the ides
of June?
(one of the audience shakes his head at the horrible acting and/or nonsense
dialogue)
McAngus: (acting really badly) Aye, it is. What business do you mean?
(backstage, Edmund is desperate. He comes up behind Percy and Baldrick, who
watch the play through peepholes, eagerly awaiting the murder)
Edmund: Quick! Oh my God! McAngus is going to die!
Percy: And not a moment too soon!
Baldrick: Carrot-faced orangutan!
Percy: Theiving Scots weasel!
Baldrick and Percy: Death to the Scot!!!
Edmund: No, no! Look, he knows too much!
Percy: (dramatically) That is why he must die!
Edmund: No, he musn't! He musn't! He has vital information. I've changed
my mind! I've changed my mind! Oh my God! What am I going to do?
Baldrick: Er, stop the show, My Lord.
Edmund: How? How?
Percy: Just say `Stop!'
Edmund: What's our reason? What's our reason for stopping the show?
Percy: Because the knives are real and McAngus is just about to get killed.
Edmund: Oh, you bastard! (He picks up a knife and stabs Percy -- but it's
one of the fake knives. He then gets an idea.)
Baldrick: Go on, My Lord! Quick!
(Edmund hurriedly fits the cloth over his head in an Egyptian fashion, and
prances on stage just as Prique and the Wooferoonies are about to very
dramatically stab McAngus.)
Edmund: Stop! (trying to act) Sorry I'm late. (stabs McAngus)
(confused pause)
(Edmund stabs McAngus again)
(confused pause)
(Edmund pushes McAngus)
McAngus: Oh, aye! (falls over) Auugh!
(Harry is extremely bored. Only the man who shook his head earlier, and one
woman, applauds, very slowly, as though it's quite an effort to applaud
something so awful.)
(Later, McAngus shows the letters to Edmund, who laughs)
Edmund: Good, excellent! It's certainly my mother's handwriting. When did
you say these were written?
McAngus: Er, 1460.
Edmund: The year my brother was born... (laughs) Baldrick, get in here!
(Baldrick enters) Baldrick, get out there and tell everyone that the
rest of the entertainments have been cancelled.
Baldrick: Why?
Edmund: `Why'? Because I told you to, you silly little rat!
Baldrick: No -- why have they been cancelled, My Lord?
Edmund: Oh, I see. Well, tell them I have a very important announcement to
make. (laughs)
Baldrick: Does that mean I have to take the dress off?
Edmund: Oh get out, get out, get out! Out out out out!
(as Baldrick leaves, McAngus reaches between Baldrick's legs from behind)
McAngus: Y'know, if you played your cards right, you could become King.
Edmund: Ah yes, one day.
McAngus: Ah, sooner than you think, maybe. The last time I saw your father,
he'd just charged (?) Constantinople when they shut the gates on him.
Edmund: (excited) Oh?
McAngus: Yes. Ten thousand of the Turks were there armed with scimitars, and
your father with a small knife for peeling fruit.
(Edmund can barely contain himself, covering his mouth as he giggles.)
(Back at the entertainments, a man on stage shoos away his four chickens, who
have just laid eggs.)
Harry: Jerry Meriwether... another nail in the coffin of variety.
Queen: I liked Bernard the Rabbit Baiter!
Edmund: (arriving on stage with Percy and McAngus) Thank you, thank you.
Harry: Look, Edmund, is this announcement going to take long? I haven't seen
hide nor hair of a eunuch yet.
Edmund: Oh, don't worry, Harry -- it will soon all be over. My dear mother,
my dear brother, lords and ladies of the court: Today, there came
into my possession, from the hands, My Lord, of your faithful servant,
Dougal McAngus, certain letters -- rather extraordinary letters --
concerning the lineage of Prince Harry.
Queen: L-- l-- letters? What is so extraordinary about them?
Harry: Letters?
Edmund: Well, Harry, they were written by your mother to your father.
(Harry chuckles, no longer worrying)
Edmund: Your father, Harry, being, of course, Donald, Third Duke of Argyll.
(Queen is extremely shocked. Baldrick puts a hand on her shoulder.)
Harry: I beg your pardon!!!
Edmund: These letters are of quite an intimate nature. Let me give you an
example. (takes one from Percy, who mouths the words as Edmund
reads) "Arundel; Thursday. My dear Hairy-wairy: Often when you sit
at table with my husband, probing deeply into the affairs of state,
I long for the day when you will probe deeply--"
(Queen is nearly fainting from shock)
Harry: Edmund! Are you sure you know what you are saying?
Edmund: As sure as our mother was, Harry, when she wrote these words:
(takes another one from Percy, who mouths again as Edmund reads)
"Dear Big-boy: Sail south! As you know, your galleon is always
assured a warm welcome in *my* harbour."
Harry: "Big-boy"? Mother, do you know anything about this?
Queen: What chance did I have? I was just a little foreign girl.
Harry: Then I must renounce the Regency and hie me to a monastery.
Edmund, you shall be Regent until ... *your* father returns.
Edmund: The King will not be returning.
Harry: WHAT?
Queen: (smiling) Oh dear.
Edmund: No, when McAngus last saw him, he was facing half the Turkish army,
armed only with a small piece of cutlery. So, Percy, if you'd like to
start things off... (he goes to stand where Harry was sitting)
Percy: (standing on a table) The King is dead! Long live the King! (people
join in) The King is dead! Long live the King!
Harry: ...*probably* dead.
(the incidental music stops suddenly; pause)
Percy & all: The King is probably dead! Long live the King! The King is
probably dead! Long live the King! The King is--
(King enters)
Percy & all: ...not dead! Long live the King!
(Everyone cheers. Percy gets down from the table.)
King: BLOOD! DEATH! WAR! RUMPY-PUMPY! TRIUMPH! (tosses down his lance, then
sees McAngus) McANGUS!!! (they embrace) My companion in blood, and
most trusted friend!
McAngus: You made it!
King: I made it, thanks to my trusty fruit knife! (runs the tiny knife
across his throat; laughs; then sees Edmund standing next to the
Queen) Wait a minute! (climbs onto the table) What's going on here?
(points at Edmund) Who are you?
Queen: He's our son.
King: What?! (does a bit of a double-take) Oh, yes! Of course -- Enid!
Edmund: My beloved father, certain letters have come to light which might
change things a bit around here.
King: Letters? What letters?
Edmund: They speak of acts of love between your wife and Donald, the Gay Dog
of the Glens. (reads) "How I long to be in that kingdom between the
saffron sheets where you and your ruler are the only ruler."
(Queen nearly faints again)
Edmund: And then acts of love consummated, "Oh, you enormous Scotsman,"
et cetera. And these letters are dated November and December 1460,
which, Harry, in relation to your date of birth, is precisely nine
months--
Harry: ...*after* I was born!
McAngus: (smiling) But about nine months before *your* birth, Edmund!
Edmund: YOU BASTARD!
Harry: No -- I think *you're* the bastard, Edmund.
(everyone laughs)
King: Silence! I want an explanation!
Edmund: Er, My Liege, the reason I have gathered you all here today (he
gathers the letters, and approaches McAngus) is to try to get some
proper justice meeted out against this Scottish turd who has clearly
forged these obviously fake letters!
King: Let me see them!
Edmund: No, I rip them up in his face so that no hint of their filthy
slander can remain. (He has done so, and picks up a piece he dropped,
then rushes to the fireplace and tosses them in. He then returns to
McAngus.) You come in here, fresh from slaughtering a couple of chocos
when their backs were turned, and you think you can upset the harmony
of a whole kingdom? I challenge you to a duel!
McAngus: ...to the death!!!
Edmund: (weakly) Erm... yes, alright.
King: Excellent idea! After all, it is St. Leonard's Day -- there's meant to
be some entertainment! (laughs; climbs down to them) Good. Very good.
Take your places.
(Edmund and McAngus go to opposite ends of the stage, Edmund clearly muttering
a prayer. King goes to McAngus and rubs his lucky fruit knife along McAngus'
sword.)
King: It is nice to see old glen (shear?) again, eh, McAngus?
McAngus: (?????????) and the human shishkebab!
(he thrusts his sword straight up; he and King laugh)
King: How could I ever forget! (shouts) Very well! Let the killing begin!
(Edmund draws his sword, and sillily waves it about, trying to look like
a skilled swordsman... One of the men at the tables sighs, his eyes rolling.
As soon as Edmund stops moving his sword, McAngus swings and slices the
blade off.)
McAngus: Let's see the Black Adder wriggle out of this one!
(puts his sword to Edmund's neck)
Edmund: Er, look...
(McAngus pauses)
King: Come on! What's the hold up?
Edmund: Er, I'll give you everything I own! Everything!
McAngus: Uh huh?
Edmund: I'm, I'm hardly a rich man.
King: You're hardly a man at all! (laughs)
Edmund: But, but my horse must be worth a thousand ducats. I can sell my
wardrobe -- the pride of my life -- my swords, my curtains, my socks,
and my fighting cocks. My servants I can live without, except perhaps
he who oils my rack.
(King yawns)
Edmund: And then my most intimate treasures: my collection of antique
codpieces, my wigs for state occasions, my wigs for private
occassions, and my wigs -- heh -- for humourous occassions; my
collection of pokers, my (Grendel's stretchers?), my ornamental
(pumphries?), and, of course, my autographed miniature of Judas
Iscariot.
McAngus: (turns to the crowd and laughs) That's nowhere near enough!
(McAngus prepares to thrust; Edmund covers his face; McAngus then lowers
his sword.)
McAngus: Och, I'm only kiddin'! (mutters to Edmund) Actually, I'm quite
interested in the wigs. (shouts something ("Well done, lad"?);
playfully hits Edmund in the arm, then walks over to King, but
shouts back to Edmund, who slowly is leaving) Hey! I hope life
doesn't become too dull now that you won't be able to pass laws
over Scotland.
Edmund: (nods, then turns and speaks sotto voce)
I wouldn't pass water over Scotland.
(cut to room outside the throne room. King is looking out the window, bored)
Harry: We're all terribly pleased you're back, Father.
King: I'm not. I miss the smell of blood in my nostrils, and the Queen's
"got a headache."
Harry: Oh dear. But we do have a fascinating week ahead. In fact, the
Archbishop of York has asked me if you'd care to join his formation
Italian dance class, and I really ought to give him an answer.
King: Do you want me to be honest or tactful?
Harry: Er, tactful, I think.
King: Tell him to get stuffed!
Harry: Ah, right.
King: Has the little hooligan McAngus left?
Harry: No, Edmund's giving him a last look round the castle now.
(cut to outside, at the top of the castle. Edmund shows McAngus the view from
an archer's battlement, then turns away)
Edmund: ...while this... (shows McAngus a cannon)
(cut back to King and Harry)
King: Well, I'll be sorry to see him go.
(back on the roof)
McAngus: (with his head down the mouth of the cannon) Ah, very interesting.
(Edmund moves to behind the cannon)
(Back inside)
Harry: Yes, and so will Edmund -- they've become firm friends.
(a very loud sound is heard from outside)
Harry: What the devil?!
King: The Turks!
Harry: The drains!
(Edmund runs in)
Edmund: Father! Harry! There's been rather a messy accident. You must come
quickly!
Harry: Oh my God! I shall need my plunger! (rushes out, follwed by King)
(Edmund jumps for joy)
CREDITS
***The Black Adder***
Cast in Geographical Order
The Laird of Roxburgh, Selkirk, and Peebles
ROWAN ATKINSON
Richard XII of Scotland
BRIAN BLESSED
McAngus, Duke of Argyll
ALEX NORTON
Percy, Duke of Northumberland
TIM McINNERNY
Gertrude, Queen of Flanders
ELSPET GRAY
Harry, Prince of Wales
ROBERT EAST
Baldrick, Bachelor of the Parish of Ghigwell
TONY ROBINSON
Jumping Jew of Jerusalem
ANGUS DEAYTON
Celia, Countess of Cheltenham
JOOLIA CAPPLEMAN
Sir Dominick Prique of Stratford
MARTIN CLARKE
2nd Wooferoonie
MARTIN SOAN
3rd Wooferoonie
MALCOLM HARDEE
Messenger
DAVID NUNN
Written by
RICHARD CURTIS and ROWAN ATKINSON
With additional dialoge by
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
A BBC TV Production in association with the Seven Network, Australia
***ETC***
Made in Glorious Television (c) BBC MCMLXXXIII
Back to top of Part 1
Caption: England, November 1487. The battle between the church and the crown
continues to rage, and the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner
in England, is dying.
(the bedchamber of the Duke; King Richard and Godfrey, the Archbishop of
Canterbury, are with him)
Duke: Dying, my lords! Am I dying?
Godfrey: Never...
King: Never...
Godfrey: Yet, My Son, to pass away the idle hours until your recovery--
Duke: (in pain) Euuuugh!
Godfrey: (speaks more quickly) ...let us imagine you yourself were to pass
away. To whom would you leave your lands?
King: Why, to me, of course...
Duke: Yes, to my beloved King. (takes quill from King)
King: That's it...
Godfrey: ...and may your filthy soul be prepared for Hell, My Son.
Duke: Hell?
Godfrey: Yes, Hell: where Satan belches fire, and enormous devils break wind
both night and day! Hell: where the mind is never free from the
torments of remorse, and your bottom never free from the pricking
of little forks!
Duke: NNoooo! Spare me the little forks!
King: (chuckles) What is this nonsense?
Godfrey: Hell: where the softest bits of your nether regions are everybody
else's favourite lunch!
Duke: (moans) Forgive me, Sire. I will change my will, and leave my lands
to the Church.
King: WHAT???
(Duke signs his will)
Godfrey: Blessed be thy stainless soul.
King: Ah, you will change your mind later -- I know it!
(Duke moans and expires)
Godfrey: (smiling) I think not.
(King, enraged, looks around and sees one of his men standing in the room,
wearing a helmet with a spike coming out the top)
(opening theme)
(cut to the Great Hall)
Edmund: Ah, Baldrick! What news?
Baldrick: Well, My Lord, an informed source tells me that the Duchess of
Glouceister has given birth to twin goblins.
Edmund: No, no, no! About the Duke of Winchester!
Baldrick: Oh, he's still hanging on.
Percy: He must be on his last legs by now, My Lord.
Edmund: Yes, but how many sets of legs has that man got? Really, I wish he'd
make up his mind -- either he dies, or he lives forever! It's his
shilly-shallying that's so undignified.
(enter Messenger)
Messenger: My Lord, I come with tragic news.
Edmund: What, died at last, has he?
Messenger: Who, My Lord?
Edmund: Oh, I see. Now the idea is that you ask me what the message is before
you tell it to me! Quite brilliant, I must say. I was referring to the
Duke of Winchester. (puts his hands on his hips)
Messenger: (puts his hands on his hips) *Who*, My Lord?
Edmund: (noticed that Messenger has copied his gesture) Right. Let's try to
sort this out in words of one syllable, shall we?
(folds his arms; Messenger folds his arms)
Someone has died, yes?
Messenger: Yes, My Lord.
Edmund: Who is it that has died? (leans forward)
Messenger: (leans forward) The Archbishop of Canterbury, My Lord.
Edmund: Are you a cretin?
Messenger: Yes, My Lord.
Edmund: (suddenly shoots up) The Archbishop of Canterbury? (Messenger nods)
Oh no, the King has done it again! That's the third this year.
(raising an upturned hand) How did this one die?
Messenger: (raiding an upturned hand) Horribly, My Lord.
Edmund: (raises his other hand) Any details?
Messenger: (raises his other hand) Horribly's all I was given.
(Edmund notices that Messenger has copied his gesture)
(enter Harry, Prince of Wales)
Harry: Ah, Edmund, there you are.
Messenger: (to Harry) My Lord, I come with tragic news.
Harry: I've heard it! (annoyed, shouts) Will you go away?
(Messenger leaves)
Harry: Oh, dear, Edmund: The Archbishop of Canterbury has met with the most
tragic accident! There seems to be some confusion, but I think I've
fathomed out on how it came about.
Edmund: Yes, I think I've got a pretty shrewd idea myself.
Harry: You see, Archbishop Godfrey was coming out of the Duke of Winchester's
room--
Edmund: ...who had just died, leaving all his lands to the Church?
Harry: Well, as a matter of fact, yes.
Edmund: And so the King was really after his blood, presumably.
Harry: Well, I dare say, but the point of the matter is that, at that moment,
round the corner, came Sir (Tabbis?) Mortimer.
Edmund: The King's hired killer...
Harry: No, no, no. Mortimer -- that tall, rather striking fellow with no ears.
Edmund: Yes, that's him.
Harry: Well, he saw the Archbishop and rushed towards him with his head bowed,
in order to receive his blessing, and, er, unfortunately, killed him
stone dead.
Edmund: How?
Harry: Mortimer was wearing a Turkish helmet.
Edmund: Oh, I see, yes -- one of those with the two feet spike coming out of
the top?
Harry: It's one of those things they normally use for butting their enemies
in the stomach and (Edmund joins in) killing them stone dead.
Edmund: (sarcastic) Yes, so, presumably he'd forgotten he was wearing it.
Harry: Well, do you know, that's exactly what the poor fellow had done!
A tragic accident...tragic.
Edmund: Ah yes, almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertrum being struck by a
falling gargoyle while swimming off Beachy Head.
Harry: Quite, quite. And nearly as tragic as poor old Archbishop Wilfred
slipping and falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral.
Oh Lord, you do work in mysterious ways. I just don't know how I'm
going to break it to his (catamite?). (exits)
Percy: What a tragic accident, My Lord.
Edmund: Accident, my coddlings!
(That night, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick sit before a fire)
Percy: Who do you think will take over?
Edmund: Oh, I don't know. It'll be one of the bishop fellows, I should
imagine. They tend to go for religious types.
Baldrick: Rumour has it, My Lord, that the King wants to choose Prince Harry.
Edmund: (not paying much attention to Baldrick) Oh really?
Baldrick: (driving home the point) Prince Harry, Archbishop, My Lord...?
Edmund: Good lord! Prince Harry, Archbishop! And we all know what happens
to Archbishops, don't we?
Percy: Yes! They go to Canterbury.
Edmund: No no no no no no no! (makes a quacking noise as he runs his finger
across his throat)
Percy: Oh yes! (makes the same sound and gesture; he and Edmund laugh)
Edmund: Are you sure about your source, Baldrick?
Baldrick: Yeah, it was Jane Smart. You know: she was the one who told me
about the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity belt.
Edmund: Oh yes! She's quite reliable! Well! With Harry gone (all three
do throatcutting fingers; Edmund stands, they do too), The Black
Adder will be...
Percy and Baldrick: King! ... next.
Edmund: Yes. Today could be one of the most important days of my life so far.
Percy, I shall require my most splendid garments for the ceremonies.
Percy: (bows) Certainly, My Lord. Hat, My Lord?
Edmund: Trojan, I think.
Percy: Boots, My Lord?
Edmund: The Italian.
Percy: ...and codpiece, My Lord?
Edmund: Well, let's go for the Black Russian, shall we? It always terrifies
the clergy! (laughs ridiculously)
(at the court; Edmund has on a ridiculous metal helmet, an enormous
protruding black codpiece, and pointed black boots with little chains
going from the calves to the toes)
Edmund: Have you heard any more good rumours, Baldrick?
Baldrick: Not really, My Lord. Apparently Lord (Wilders?) is keeping
a sheep in his bedroom -- but nothing on the appointment, no.
Edmund: Ah, fair enough.
(Edmund looks over at some clergymen and smiles. They stare at his codpiece,
almost in fright. The Queen arrives.)
Queen: What are you doing dressed like this, Edmund?
Edmund: Like what, sorry?
Queen: Well, this enormous nonsense here! (baps his codpiece; walks away)
(Harry sees this and shakes his head to himself)
(a fanfare is played to announce the beginning of the appointment ceremony)
Edmund: Fingers crossed...
King: Members of the Court and, uh, Clergy: I have, at last -- after careful
consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Insub-
stantial Friend, the Holy Ghost -- decided upon the next Archbishop.
(there is a murmuring among those gathered) May he last longer in his
post than his predecessors.
Edmund: (to his friends) Fat chance!
King: I appoint, to the Holy See of Canterbury, my own son...
(Baldrick and Percy are very excited; Edmund points a bit toward Harry)
King: ...Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh!
(Edmund is terrified)
King: Archbishop, we salute thee.
(Everyone kneels before Edmund except Percy)
Percy: Congratulations, My Lord! (shakes Edmund hand; Edmund shakes free;
Percy kneels)
(The clergymen, kneeling, are face-to-codpiece with Edmund. He puts his
hands over it, but it's too large to conceal. He takes one of the clergymen's
hats and hangs it on the codpiece. He then turns around and nearly hits
Baldrick in the face with the codpiece.)
(Later, King and Harry are arm-wrestling in an empty room.)
King: Keep going, keep going. Use both hands! (Harry does so) Very good,
very good... (Harry loses) Well done, well done, Harry.
(there is a knock at the door)
King: Enter!
(Edmund enters, bowing repeatedly, and continues this throughout the scene)
Edmund: Your Majesty.
King: Ah! My Lord Archbishop.
Edmund: Um, there were just a couple of points, um, about my
appointment, um, before things really (firmed?) up.
King: Yes?
Edmund: Um, personally, could I--
King: No, you couldn't!!!
Edmund: Oh, fine. (backs up several paces) And, er, secondly--
King: Don't be mistaken about this appointment, Edward. I've always despised
you.
Edmund: Well, you are my father, of course. I mean, you're biased.
King: You, compared to your beloved brother Harry (pats Harry on the cheek),
are as excrement as compared to cream!
Harry: Oh, My Lord, you flatter me!
Edmund: And me also, Your Majesty.
King: So now, my boy, when I've at last found a use for you, don't try to
get out of it!
Edmund: No no no no no! No, certainly not. I just thought that perhaps another
man, um, equally weak-willed and feeble, might do just as well.
King: Hah! There's no such man!
Edmund: Oh, no, no, of course not. Oh silly me. Er, er, I thought, though,
perhaps, you know, someone who believed in God...
King: No no no no no no. If I needed someone who believed in God, I'd have
chosen Harry -- not an embarrassing little weed like you.
Edmund: Oh, well, I think that's everything cleared up. Goodness, it must
be almost time for evensong. Must be going.
King: Egbert...
(Edmund slowly tries to pretend not to hear)
King: Come here...
(Edmund slowly continues his turn, to come to King. He bows repeatedly,
and begins to kiss King's hand, which grabs him and pulls him up.)
King: A word of advice: if you cross me now, or ever, I shall do
unto you what God did unto the Sodomites.
Harry: Oh, My Lord, I don't think that's a very good idea.
King: You understand?
Edmund: Well, I shall make myself available for all eventualities. Thank you
so much. (He steps backward, bowing repeatedly, and bumps into a set
of drawers. Then he adjusts his movements so he backs out into an open
hallway. He turns, but leaves his head and hands poking through, still
bowing, for a while, until he finally rounds the corner and speaks
so himself.) Flee! (he runs down the hall)
(outside, Edmund is getting ready for his escape. He stands at the back of
a large cart.)
Edmund: We've got the thumbscrews, the footcrusher, the nosehooks, those long
rods you (he moves his fist as though he's holding a rod vertically)
ram around, er... Oh! Where's the dwarf?
Dwarf: (a cloth moves as he pushes from behind it) Here, My Lord.
[the dwarf is in nearly every episode, sitting in a cage in Edmund's
room]
Edmund: Oh, good. (pats the area where the dwarf is) Right, let's go, come on!
(King, Harry and a warrior round a corner)
King: Archbishop!
Edmund: (weakly, raises an arm) Hail...
King: Going somewhere?
Edmund: Umm, yes...
King: Where?
Edmund: C-- Canterbury...?
King: Good, good! Harry here will accompany you. I would hate to see you
murdered *before* your investiture. (calls) Chiswick! Fresh horses!
(he and the warrior leave)
Percy: (comes from around the cart) My Lord, if we're going to catch the boat
to France, you'll have to hurry.
Harry: Um, boat to France?
Edmund: Um, you off to France, Percy?
Percy: I thought we all were.
Edmund: No, no, uh, Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?
Percy: Oh, I see -- you've changed your plan.
Edmund: No, no, not really. The only change is if you could go and put your
face in some manure, and the keep a reasonable distance. That'll be
fine. Harry...?
(Later, Harry and Edmund are riding on the horses.)
Harry: ...and another thing that bothers me, Your Grace: suppose my right
hand offends me, and I cut it off, well, what if my left hand offends
me as well? I mean, what do I cut it off with?
Edmund: Er, yes, yes, that is a knotty one...
Harry: Yes.
(They ride on ... but the horses are not pulling the cart -- it is being
pulled by Baldrick and Percy. Percy's face is covered with manure. They
pass by a pair of peasants. [Someone who knows the actors, please tell us
which one is Cain and which one is Abel -- these peasants are recurring
characters throughout the series, and it'd be nice to name them properly
in the transcriptions (they're never named apart from in the credits).])
Peasant 1: Here; who was that?
Peasant 2: I don't know. But that tall fellow, he had a face full of manure.
Peasant 1: Now that's what I call style.
(Canterbury ... Edmund's investiture; presiding is (Herbert, the temporary
Archbishop of Canterbury?).)
Herbert: Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, believe in God the Father,
God the Son and God the Holy Ghost?
Edmund: (looks around; King mouths `yes!' to him) Um, yes.
Herbert: I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury and Primate of all England.
(places hat on Edmund's head)
(Edmund sneezes as a result of the incense, and blows his nose into
his robe. Later, he walks down the aisle, swinging the incense-thing
far too hard, knocking over the people standing along the aisle, until
finally it slips from his hand and flies across the church.)
Narrator: His investiture over, Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling swiftly
adopted the ways of the cloth. But ever the shadow of his father's
threat hung over him, until, at last, one day...
(Edmund and Baldrick are walking along outside)
Edmund: Tell me, Brother Baldrick, exactly what *did* God do to the Sodomites?
Baldrick: I don't know, My Lord, but I can't imagine it was worse than what
they used to do to each other.
(an armoured man delivers a scroll to Edmund. Edmund reads it)
Edmund: Oh my God, this is it! Baldrick, go and get my Lord Bishop of
Ramsgate!
Baldrick: Eh?
Edmund: Get *Percy*! Get Percy! (He sees the spikes on the man's helmet)
My life is hanging by a thread!
(He, Percy and Baldrick set out on horseback)
Caption: The bedside of the dying Lord Graveney, attended by the Bishop of
London, brother to the dead Archbishop.
(at Graveney's bedchamber; only William, the Bishop of London, is there
with Graveney)
Graveney: And if I don't leave my lands to the church, then what?
William: Then, Lord Graveney, you will assuredly go to Hell.
Graveney: Alas!
William: Hell, where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds!
Graveney: No, no! (coughs) I place my lands in the hands of the Church (signs)
and so bid the world farewell.
King: What? The Archbishop not yet arrived?
William: Not yet, and even if he did arrive--
(Edmund rushes in)
Edmund: Wait!
William: Too late!
Edmund: Get out of my way!
King: (sword drawn) I'll kill the pair of you! Like I killed your brother!
I'll abolish the Church!
Edmund: (to Graveney) My Lord! My Lord! Argh! I said out. Get out!
(Baldrick and Percy push William into the next room)
Edmund: (climbs on top of Graveney, and tries to restart his heart)
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Graveney: (wakes) Am I in Paradise?
Edmund: No, no, not yet.
Graveney: Then this must be Hell. Alas, spare my posterior!
Edmund: No, no, you're all right -- it's England.
Graveney: And you are not Satan?
Edmund: No, I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Graveney: Your Grace, I have left all my lands to the Church. Am I to be
saved?
King: No, you treacherous swine! I'll kill you! (prepares to hack with his
sword)
Edmund: No! Wait! Wait! Let's just take this through in stages, shall we?
(to Graveney) Erm, you know, the Church doesn't really need more
land...
King: No -- what it needs is a damn good thrashing!
Graveney: But if I do not gain its blessing, I will surely go to Hell!
(William opens the door and pops his head in)
William: Hell, where tiny tweezers--
King: GET OUT!!
(Baldrick rushes over and closes the door on him)
Edmund: Someone like you go to Hell? Never. Never!!
Graveney: But I have committed many sins.
Edmund: Haven't we all, haven't we all...
Graveney: I murdered my father...
Edmund: (sotto voce) Well, I know how you feel.
(William opens the door again)
William: Alas!
(Baldrick, having remained by the door, shuts it again)
King: Hurry up, Egbert!
Graveney: ...and I have committed adultery...
Edmund: Well, who hasn't?
Graveney: ...more than a thousand times...
Edmund: Well, it *is* 1487!
Graveney: ...with my mother.
Edmund: WHAT?
King: Good lord...
Graveney: You see, I *will* go to Hell.
(William appears from another entrance)
William: Hell, where (??) turnips (??) the nose of the earth!
King: Kill that bishop!
(Percy grabs William; Baldrick takes a crucifix and hits him with it.)
Edmund: Well, well, let's take Hell: You know, Hell isn't as bad as it's
cracked up to be.
Graveney: What?
Edmund: No, no, no, no. No, you see, the thing about Heaven, is
that Heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go
on in Heaven, like, uh, well, singing, talking to God, watering pot
plants...
Graveney: Ew...
Edmund: Whereas Hell, on the other hand, is for people who like the other
sorts of things: adultery, pillage, torture -- those areas.
Graveney: Really?
Edmund: Mm! Give your lands to the Crown, and once you're dead, you'll
have the time of your life!
Graveney: Adultery? Pillage? Through all eternity?
Edmund: Yep!
William: (???) large sticks against your tender portions!
(Percy beats William over the head with a large Bible; Baldrick kicks him and
beats him with the crucifix.)
King: (handing over a quill) Lord Graveney, your decision...
Graveney: Very well. (signs) I leave my lands to the Crown, and my soul in
the hands of the Lord. May He treat me like the piece of refuse
that I am (rubs his hands together, grinning) and send me to Hell.
(???)
King: Amen.
Edmund: Amen. You're a very lucky man! I wish I could be coming with you, but,
you know, being the Archbishop...
Graveney: I'm so sorry.
Edmund: Oh no, that's alright.
Graveney: (sits up, points) Aaahhh! (everyone looks where he points; he dies)
(Edmund and King laugh and approach each other)
King: My son!
Edmund: Father!
(they embrace for a brief period)
King: (kneels) Father.
Edmund: (places his hand on King's head) My Son.
(Two knights on horseback ride down a lane, past the peasants Cain and Abel;
[#1] has a face full of manure now.)
Peasant 2: Who's that?
Peasant 1: Looks like the kind of pair who would kill the Archbishop of
Canterbury to me.
Peasant 2: Typical!
(in castle dining room; Queen is eating at one end of the long table, and
looks up as she hears her husband's voice approach.)
King: DIE, YOU TURKISH DOG!
(They are sword sparring. King forces Harry to the table.)
King: YOU TURKISH PIG!
Harry: Father, it's me! Pax!!!
King: Oh, yes, of course. Sorry, Harry. You're improving.
Harry: Yes, well, thank you, Father. (turns to Queen) Good night, Mother.
(leaves)
King: He's gaining on me. He's gaining on me!
(goes to the other end of the long table)
Queen: And how was Edmund?
King: Oh, well, well, very well. (picks up a piece of meat, smells it,
then calls out) Chiswick, fresh horse! (tosses the meat over his
shoulder)
Queen: And how are his dear little sheep?
King: Whose sheep?
Queen: Edmund's sheep.
(a couple of men bring in a huge platter with half a horse's body (with legs),
cooked, on it)
King: What sheep?
Queen: Well, the ones at Canterbury -- his flock that he was talking about.
King: (he has torn off a whole leg from the horse; he rolls his eyes
and mutters at his wife's comment) Oh my god...
(the knights ride up to the castle)
Queen: I can't understand it; Edmund doesn't even like religion.
King: (chewing into the horse leg) That's impossible -- he's the
Archbishop of Canterbury!
Queen: Yes, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy,
whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font.
King: (using his sword to pick take some bread from the table)
But that was a long time ago.
Queen: It was last Thursday.
(King laughs and spits out some food. Meanwhile, the knights have ridden
into the castle.)
King: (standing, approaches Queen) Well, the boy's turned out well.
(as a toast) A long and healthy life to him! (He smacks his giant cup
against the Queen's wine goblet, which breaks. He drinks.)
I thank God that in my lifetime never again shall I have to
say, "Who will rid me of this (turbulent?) priest?"
(the knights finally park their horses)
Queen: And what is that?
King: Oh, it's something that my ancestor Henry II once said when he having
trouble with Thomas of Beckett. He was sitting at a table like this
with two drunken knights, and he yelled out, "Who will rid me of this
turbulent priest?"
(the knights now are on foot, quickly making their way inside)
Queen: Er, what?
King: (sotto voce) God save us!
(the knights finally make it to the doorway of the dining room)
King: (shouts) I said, "WHO WILL RID ME OF THIS TURBULENT PRIEST?"
(the knights look at each other)
Queen: Meaning who?
King: The Archbishop of Canterbury, of course!
(the knights look at each other again, nod, and leave)
Queen: And then what happened?
King: Well, they went straight off and killed him, of course!
(the knights leave the castle)
(cut to Edmund, Percy and Baldrick in a small room)
Edmund: Right, now let's get down to business, shall we?
Percy: Business, My Lord?
Edmund: Yes. Baldrick has been looking at some of the ways we could actually
make a bit of money on this job.
Baldrick: Well, basically, there appear to be four major profit areas: Curses,
pardons, relics and selling the sexual favours of nuns.
Edmund: Selling the sexual favours of nuns?
Baldrick: Yeah.
Edmund: You mean some people will actually pay for them?
Baldrick: Well, foreign businessmen, other nuns, you know...
Edmund: Ah. Well, let's start with the pardons, shall we?
Baldrick: Right. Well, this is a fair selection. Basically, you seem to get
what you pay for. They run all the way from this one, which is a
pardon for talking with your mouth full, signed by an apprentice
curate in (Tukesbury?).
Edmund: Ah. How much is that?
Baldrick: Two pebbles. ...all the way up to this one, which is a pardon for
(reads) "anything whatsoever, including murder, adultery, or dis-
memberment of (Edmund reads along) a friend or relative."
Edmund: Who's that signed by?
Baldrick: Both popes. Curses are pretty much the same, really. I got this
one for half an egg.
Edmund: (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly
unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick: Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to
this one, for four ducats.
Edmund: (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may
you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awk-
ward moment."
Percy: Does this work?
Baldrick: Yeah.
Percy: Really?
Baldrick: Yes!
Edmund: Really?
Baldrick: No... (chuckles)
(the two knights approach Canterbury)
Baldrick: Moving on to relics, we've got shrouds, from Turin; er, wine from the
wedding at Cana; splinters from the cross (his finger gets a sliver
from one of the splinters); er, and, of course, there's stuff made by
Jesus in his days in the carpentry shoppe: got pipe racks, coffee
tables, coatstands, bookends, crucifixes, a nice cheeseboard, fruit
bowls, waterpoof sandals... (picks up a piece of wood that's partly
carved) Oh, I haven't finished that one yet.
Percy: But this is disgraceful, My Lord! All of these are obviously fake!
Edmund: Hah, yes!
Percy: But, but how will people be able to tell the difference between these
and the real relics?
Edmund: Well, they won't! That's the point!
Percy: Well, you won't be able to fool everyone! Look (he takes a red cloth
from his sleeve): I have here a true relic.
Edmund: What is it?
Percy: (unwraps the cloth) It is a bone from the finger of Our Lord. It cost
me 31 pieces of silver.
Edmund: Good lord. Is it real?
Percy: It is, My Lord. Baldrick, you stand amazed.
Baldrick: I am -- I thought they only came in boxes of ten. (he opens a box
of finger bones) (??????????)
Percy: What?!
Baldrick: Yeah, yeah -- fingers are really big at the moment. Mind you, for
a really quick sale, you can't beat a nose. For instance, the
Sacred Appendage Compendium Party Pack: you get Jesus' nose, St.
Peter's nose, (??) of St. Francis' nose, and (picks up a pair of
false breasts) er, no -- they're Joan of Arc's.
Percy: (he's been getting more and more angry and surprised as he's seen all
these `relics') That little bastard verger! I'll show him! (exits into
hallway) I'll show him!
(Percy opens the outer door, and finds the two knights, with swords raised.
They rush in, but then act casual, resting their swords on their shoulders.)
George: Hello.
Justin: Hello.
Percy: Good evening. And, er, what can I do for you?
George: Well, we're here to murder the Archbishop of Canter--
Justin: --bury's enemies.
George: Er, yes.
Justin: We fear he may be in danger.
Percy: Really? How?
Justin: Well, let me see. Perhaps good King Richard, angry with the Archbishop
for some reason...
George: Don't know why...
Justin: ...might well send two drunken knights...
(George gestures at himself and Justin)
Justin: ...freshly returned from the Crusades...
George: Crusades...
Justin: ...on a mission to wreak vengeance on him.
George: Vengeance...
Percy: That's a good point -- it has happened before.
Justin: Quite.
George: Yes indeed.
Percy: Er, I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your names.
George: George de Boeuf.
Justin: How do you do (makes no gesture, though Percy does). Justin de Boinod.
George: (shakes Percy's hand) Two drunken knights, freshly returned from the
Crusades, and here on mission for good King Richard. God bless the
man.
Justin: Amen.
Percy: And your mission...?
George: Well, as I said, we're here to kill--
Justin: ...a bit of time...
George: Er, yes.
Justin: ...before our next Crusade.
Percy: Oh, right, yes. Well, I'll just go and get him.
(Percy turns his back, and the knights raise their swords ready to attack,
but Baldrick arrives, and sees them. They again lower their swords, and
bow their heads.)
Percy: Ah, Baldrick...
Baldrick: Yes?
Percy: A couple of knights to see the Archbishop...
Baldrick: Oh my God! (he rushes back into the room)
Percy: (faces the knights again) (refers to Baldrick) Monks! (laughs)
(inside, Edmund is `trying on' Joan of Arc's breasts, but quickly puts them
down when Baldrick rushes in)
Baldrick: My Lord, I've got something to say that's going to shock you.
Edmund: It's the one about the nuns from Uppingham and the candelabra,
don't bother -- I've heard it. (he holds a pair of noses against
his nipples)
Baldrick: (trying to fit into a priesthole) No. The fact is: there are two
men outside who've come to kill you.
Edmund: WHAT??
(In the hall, Percy and George are having a laugh)
Percy: I'm terribly sorry about this. I'll just see what the delay is.
Justin: Please do.
George: (???)
(Percy enters the room; Edmund and Baldrick are frantic)
Percy: Look, what's going on?
Baldrick: (stuffing pillows under the bed sheets) Those two men have come
to kill us!
Percy: Oh, come on! Honestly, Baldrick! Just because a couple of people a bit
of breeding (the knights begin chopping through the door), you assume
they're bound to be mindless killers!
(Percy finally notices the door being cut apart)
Edmund: Oh my God! There's no way out! (they all kneel and pray by an altar-
like place-to-play (any religious people out there care to help?))
Oh, God! Help us! (he grabs the crucifix; it pulls down and opens
a secret passageway)
(They run through the secret doorway, and the door closes. The knights
finally break through the the door to the room. Justin looks around;
George continues hacking at the door.)
Justin: Shh! (motions at the bed) They've dropped off!
(They approach the bed and hack and stab at it for a while. George moves
the covers to see that it's only a bunch of pillows underneath.)
George: Oh, damn. They must have gone down the secret passage to the nunnery.
(He pulls the crucifix and they both enter the passage.)
(Inside the nunnery, they find the bedroom empty apart from three nuns
praying at another altar-thing.)
George: Little sisters of indolence, three men came in. Which way did they go?
Edmund: (covering his mouth; speaks falsetto) Oh, I think they went that way.
George: God bless you.
(They begin to walk away)
Justin: Wait! (???) They'll be watching out for us dressed like this.
Quick! In here. (motions to one of the bed areas)
(Edmund and company begin to walk down the way, but run into the knights,
who now also are dressed as nuns. All five giggle like girls, covering
their mouths (particularly Justin, who has a full beard).)
Baldrick: (falsetto) Pray, Sister, have you seen two burly knights pass this
way?
George: (falsetto) No, Sister. More's the pity, eh?
(Justin looks at George, a bit shocked)
Justin: (falsetto, to Baldrick) Why don't you try that way?
Percy: (normally) Thank you very much.
Justin: (normally) You're welcome.
(the two parties turn away, but then pause, realise who the other group was,
draw swords and begin fighting (except Baldrick, who hasn't a sword))
(Meanwhile, elsewhere in the nunnery, the Mother Superior and Sister Sara
are walking through the hallways)
Sara: ...and yet, Mother Superior...
(back to the fight for one second)
Sara: ...does not St. Paul say in the (???)...
(back to the fight for one second)
Sara: "A woman is like a bat...
(back to the fight for one second)
Sara: "...often heard but never seen"?
(back to the fight for one second)
Mother: No, I don't think so, Sara.
(back to the fight for one second)
Mother: Shall we check the dormitory?
Nun: Oh, yes, Mother Superior! What a good idea.
(In the dormitory, Percy is holding his own sword as well as Edmund's,
while George just hits each sword, not making much effort to actually
hit Percy. Edmund knocks over Justin -- whose sword got stuck in one of
the wooden partitions during one of the brief seconds -- and climbs on top
of him. Baldrick, meanwhile, has found himself on top of a real nun in one
of the beds. The Mother Superior and Sister Sara enter.)
Mother: Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Percy and George drop the swords and jump into beds.)
Mother: If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: fighting
in the dormitory is completely forbidden! Who is the ringleader here?
(looks and points at Edmund) You! Yes, you -- the plain girl.
(takes off headgear) Oh my God! It's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
Sara: (removing Justin's headgear) And a man! (screams)
Edmund: Er, I think I can explain. (laughs uneasily)
(Later, in the Mother Superior's office; Sara is `whipping' Edmund, but
actually just tapping the crop against his bottom.)
Edmund: ...and that, sweet lady, is the whole story.
Mother: Let us go over the facts again. Having been appointed Archbishop,
you found that all your interests lay in the beauty of your vestments?
Edmund: Ahh, the fine embroidery...
Mother: Unable to resist the slide into depravity, you began to dress up in
the habit of a nun.
Edmund: I could not resist the texture of the Hessian underthings.
Mother: Ooh, I can understand that! Then, you forced the Bishop of Ramsgate
and one Brother Baldrick to do so also.
Edmund: Oh, may I be cursed for it!
Mother: And finally, you got two knights drunk and invited them to come and
wrestle with you inside the nunnery in an orgy of heathen perversity?
Edmund: That's it, Your Grace.
Mother: Shame (??) it has the unmistakable ring of truth to it, and I must
therefore tell you that this morning I have written urgently to all
three popes recommeding your immediate excommunication. Nevermore may
you be Archbishop of Canterbury!
Edmund: (mock disappointment) Oh dear!
Mother: That's enough, Sister Sara; I think he's learnt his lesson.
Edmund: Sorry? (then realises, and feigns pain)
Mother: Go, sinner, and meet thy doom!
(Edmund exits into the corridor, with a light at the end of the hallway;
he walks slowly toward the light, cleaning out his ear and scratching himself
a bit as he goes. He emerges to find Percy and Baldrick.)
Edmund: Quick! The nunnery's on fire!! (they leave in a hurry)
***The Black Adder***
Cast in Order of Reverence
Herbert, Archbishop of Canterbury
PAUL McDOWELL
Godfrey, Archbishop of Canterbury
ARTHUR HEWLETT
Percy, Bishop of Ramsgate
TIM McINNERNY
William, Bishop of London
ARTHUR HEWLETT
Mother Superior
JOYCE GRANT
Sister Sara
CAROLYN COLQUOHOUN
Harry, Prince of Wales
ROBERT EAST
The Queen
ESLPET GRAY
The Duke of Winchester
RUSSELL ENOCH
Cain, A Peasant
BERT PARNABY
Abel, A Peasant
ROY EVANS
Messenger
DAVID NUNN
Sir Justin de Boinod
BILL WALLIS
Sir George de Boeuf
DAVID DELVE
Lord Graveney
LESLIE SANDS
Brother Baldrick
TONY ROBINSON
King Richard IV
BRIAN BLESSED
Edmund, Archbishop of Canterbury
ROWAN ATKINSON
Written by Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson
with additional dialogue by William Shakespeare
A BBC TV production in association with The Seven Network, Australia
(etc.)
Mother: Alas, the corruption of the world...
Sara: Yes, alas, Mother Superior.
Mother: I'm tired and weary. You may leave me now.
Sara: Very well.
Mother: Alas...
Sara: So presumably you won't be needing the unicorn tonight.
Mother: No, not tonight, Sara.
MADE IN GLORIOUS TELEVISION (c) BBC MCMLXXXIII
Back to top of Part 1
(On the castle ramparts at night, in darkness; two hooded figures meet)
Lady: O noble prince, your secret note of love has won my heart. The castle
of my body is yours by right of conquest. Come, let your tongue dive
into the moat of my mouth and let your hands take possession of the
ramparts of my plumpies, for I'm yours (removes her cloak) and yours
alone!
Man: (taking off his hood, revealing he's Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh)
And I'm yours!
Lady: Eugh! Edmund! I thought you your brother! (pushes Edmund off the
rampart; dogs are heard attacking him)
(Opening theme)
Caption: In 1492, after the death of Randolph XII of Saxony and the collapse
of the Treaty of Insects, Europe was in disarray. Kingdoms rose and
fell; borders, even languages changed; men were killed by their own
side and women raped by soldiers from up to seven different nations
every week.
(The King is on the floor in a room with a large map and large figures.
Lord Chiswick is on the floor beating a drum, and two other men are
standing, looking over a large piece of paper.)
Caption: The courts of Europe throbbed with activity, and none more so
than England....
King: (???)
Chiswick: (stops beating the drum) Yes, My Lord. (begins to pick up one of
the human figures)
King: The Swiss are always cowards.
(Chiswick doesn't pick up the figure, and goes back to drum-beating.)
King: (????????????)
(Messenger 3 enters)
Messenger 3: My Lord, news: the Swiss have invaded France.
King: Excellent! (to one of the men standing) Wessex, while they're away,
take ten thousand troops and pillage Geneva.
Chiswick: But the Swiss are our allies, My Lord.
King: Oh yes... Well, er, get them to dress up as Germans, will you?
(Lord Wessex leaves)
King: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in symapthy
for the death of his son.
Chiswick: The one you had murdered, My Lord...
King: Yes, that's the fellow.
(enter Prince Harry)
Harry: Father--
Messenger 3: (turns to Harry) My Lord--
Harry: (shouts) Will you get away from me!!!
(Messenger 3 runs out)
King: (laughs) Ah, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy! But you well know
where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don't you, my boy...
Harry: Well, actually, I don't, Father, but I would like to know.
King: (points to Harry's groin) There.
Harry: (lifts his robes) Are you sure? I can't imagine anything of any real
interest down there.
King: Let me explain. What's that for?
Harry: Well, a couple of things...
King: Correct, and one of those things is...?
Harry: Best not mentioned, really.
King: Right! And the other is fornication!
(Harry looks a bit surprised, as though that wasn't the one he thought
was mentionable.)
King: And without fornication, there is no marriage; and without marriage,
there is no diplomacy.
Harry: Oh I see!
King: Very good. Come on, let me explain further. (takes Harry to the map on
the floor) You see, my boy, I have decided to ally to a nation most
threatening to France. The answer, of course, is -- Chiswick...
(Chiswick moves one of the human figures on the map.)
King: ...Spain. And the best way to cement an alliance, of course, is
marriage. Therefore, I have decided that you shall marry the Spanish
Infanta! (laughs)
Chiswick: (shakes King's hand) Oh, congratulations, Your Majesty!
Harry: Actually, I don't think I can.
King: What? Why not?
Harry: Well, I am already engaged.
King: (louder) What? Who to, boy?
Harry: Princess Leia of Hungary... and the Grand Duchess Ursula of Branden-
burg; and Queen Beowulfa of Iceland; and, er (starts to read from a
a list), Countess Caroline of Luxembourg; Bertha of Flanders; Bertha
of Brussels; Bernard of Saxe-Coburg; and Jezebel of Estonia. (Confused
about the male name in there, he checks his list) No no no, sorry,
that should be >Bertha< of Saxe-Coburg... (looks shocked at the list)
...and >Jeremy< of Estonia.
King: Damn, damn, damn, damn! But if I haven't got a son to marry her, then
the whole plan falls apart!
Chiswick: Your Majesty...
King: Yes?
Chiswick: You do have another son, My Lord.
King: What? (realises this a fact) By God, of course! You're right. The
slimy one -- what's his name?
Chiswick: Edmund, My Lord.
King: Yes, Osmund. Osmund can marry the Infanta!
Harry: Excellent!
King: Then with the Spanish alliance, we can massacre both the Swiss and the
French, (`Huzzah!' from the three other men; he slashes with his sword)
by dividing their forces into two (`Huzzah!') -- preferably their top
halves from their bottom! (`Huzzah!')
(cut to Edmund washing off his dog bite wounds; Percy and Baldrick enter)
Percy: 'morning, My Lord. (gives Edmund's dwarf a scrap of food)
Baldrick: 'morning, My Lord.
Edmund: 'morning.
Baldrick: My God, what's happened to your neck?
Edmund: Erm, er, well, well, well, well, they're love bites, actually!
Baldrick: Look more like dog bites to me.
Edmund: Well, yes, yes, she was, erm, a bit of an animal!
Percy: Really, My Lord!
Edmund: Oh yes!
Percy: Fight to the death, eh! (they both laugh; Baldrick goes over to feed
the dwarf)
Edmund: Oh yes. Well, as my tutor, Old Bubbleface used to say, "Make love
and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."
Baldrick: Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites.
Edmund: They are >not< dog bites! She was very attractive.
Baldrick: Yeah: shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...
Edmund: No, Baldrick! It was a woman!
Baldrick: Fair enough, My Lord.
Edmund: Right. Now that's sorted out. Percy, what are we up to today?
Percy: Well, My Lord, first, I thought that you and I (he and Edmund sneer at
Baldrick, the lowly peasant) might get out a couple of prisoners, and
actually I think Baldrick may have a point there; they do look rather
like dog bites.
Edmund: (jumps around) Yes, yes, all right, all right! They're dog bites!
They're dog bites! I've got bitten by a dog! A woman pushed me off
off a rampart because she thought I was so hideously ugly, and I got
ravaged by a raving dog! Does that satisfy you?
Baldrick: Yes, My Lord, yes!
Edmund: Good! Excellent! Good! Right! Yes, Percy, you were saying?
Percy: Right, My Lord. Well, I thought that we might...so it wasn't a woman?
Edmund: (jumps again) No! It was a dog! It was a dog! It was a bloody great
dog! Ar ar ar ar ar ar ar!
Percy: Right, My Lord.
Edmund: Ar!
Percy: Of course, Harry gets all the women, doesn't he?
Baldrick: Yeah.
Edmund: Shut up! I never want to hear women mentioned in my company again.
Baldrick: What about dogs?
Edmund: ...or dog-- Shut up, Baldrick. I never want to see a woman again. If
any woman wants to talk to me, you can warn her: The Black Adder is
a venomous reptile, and women are his prey.
(There is a knock at the door)
Edmund: Enter! Unless you're a woman, in which case, prepare to be thrown
out of the window!! with your dog...
(Messenger 3 enters.)
Messenger 3: My Lord, I bring a message.
Edmund: Yes, obviously -- you're a messenger.
Messenger 3: You are engaged to be married to the Infanta Maria of Spain.
Edmund: (puts his hands on his hips) What?
Messenger 3: (puts his hands on his hips) My Lord, I bring a message.
You are engaged--
Edmund: Yes, yes, yes... (waves his hand)
(Messenger 3 waves his hand)
Edmund: Ah... (puts his hand on his neck)
(Messenger 3 puts his hand on his neck)
Edmund: Go on, get out. (waves his other hand, then starts to push Messenger 3)
(Messenger 3 waves his other hand, then starts to push Edmund)
Edmund: Get out! (pushes Messenger 3 with both hands)
(Messenger 3 pushes Edmund with both hands)
Edmund: Out, out, out! (manages to close the door behind Messenger 3)
Well, boys, did you hear that? I am to marry the Infanta of Spain.
Percy: Yes, My Lord. Shall I go and tell her?
Edmund: What?
Percy: "The Black Adder is venomous reptile--"
Edmund: No, no, no! This is no ordinary woman, Percy. This is a beautiful
royal princess. Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like.
(Percy and Baldrick howl like dogs.)
(at the court)
Harry: (approaches Edmund, Percy and Baldrick; he is escorting a beautiful
black-haired young woman) Ah, bienvenido a nuestro castillo. Espero
que encuentre los desagues a sus satisfaccion.
Edmund: (enthralled by the woman's beauty; giggles a bit before coming
to his senses) Hmm?
Harry: It's Spanish. It means "Welcome to our castle. I hope you find the
drains to your satisfaction." Well, here you are (gives Edmund a piece
a paper); I've jotted it down for you. It should help to break the ice
with the Infanta.
(Edmund looks confused)
Harry: Oh, by the way, I don't think you know the Countess Caroline
of Luxembourg.
Edmund: (disappointed that this woman wasn't the Infanta) No. How do you do,
young lady?
Harry: Well, good luck. (Walks away, speaking to Caroline) Er, bienvenu a
notre chateau, Caroline. J'espere que vous trouvez......
Edmund: Luxembourg, hah!
Baldrick: My God, have you ever seen anyone so obviously seething with
jealousy?
Edmund: No, I haven't!
Baldrick: Seethe, seethe, seethe. If he goes on seething like that much longer,
he'll turn into a seethe.
Edmund: Baldrick, what are you talking about?
Percy: My Lord...
Edmund: Yes, what is it?
Percy: You know, they do say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful than
the famous Stone of Galveston.
Edmund: Mm! ... What?
Percy: The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.
Edmund: And what's that, exactly?
Percy: Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes (points dramatically)
from Galveston.
Edmund: I see. And what about it?
Percy: Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start.
Edmund: I see. And have you ever seen this stone?
Percy: (nods) No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who
have, and they say it's very very blue indeed.
Edmund: And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?
Percy: No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord.
Edmund: And neither have you, presumably.
Percy: No, My Lord.
Edmund: So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never
seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.
Percy: (finally begins to grasp) Yes, My Lord.
(A fanfare is played as a rather fat woman enters, followed by a
tall Spaniard.)
Edmund: Percy, in the end, you are about as much use to me as an hole
in the head...
(Percy bows. The woman sees Edmund and is very excited. She and the
Spaniard approach him, while he still talks to Percy. Baldrick sees
her and from now on constantly tries subtly to get Edmund's
attention.)
Edmund: ...an affliction of which you must be familiar, never actually having
had a brain.
(The woman -- the Infanta -- is standing behind Edmund, while her
interpreter -- Don Speekingleesh -- is beside him.)
Don: Hello.
Edmund: (turns briefly) Hello. (turns back to Percy) Here I am awaiting the
arrival of the most beautiful, ravishing--
Don: Hello!
Edmund: Look, leave me alone, will you, I'm trying to talk to someone.
(to Percy) ...while you're wittering away like a pox-ridden \
moor hen-- \
/
Infanta: Estas el verdadero amor de mi vida, amor mio, amor mio! /
Don: You are the true love of my life, my love, my love!
Edmund: What? (turns to Percy) Percy, is he a friend of yours?
Someone you (???)? \
>
Infanta: (???????????)! /
Don: You are the only one for me. I merely want to hug and kiss you!
(Edmund punches Don)
Infanta: Esto la Infanta!
Don: I am the Infanta!
Edmund: What? No-one told me you had a beard! Ha!
Percy: Must be Jeremy of Estonia!
Edmund: The very (???)
Infanta: (moves to in front of Edmund) Esto la Infanta!
Edmund: Well, absolutely... (quintupletakes; leaps frightenedly into Percy's
arms)
Infanta: Esperara que esto momento todo mi viva! (kisses Edmund)
Don: I have waited for this moment all of my life!
Infanta: Tu nariz mas pequen~a que yo esperara.
Don: Your nose is smaller than I expected.
Edmund: I have suffered no similar disappointment.
(Don whispers interpretations into Infanta's ear; and does so
throughout the rest of the episode.)
Infanta: Oh, amor mio! amor mio! (kisses Edmund)
Don: My love, my love.
(The kiss lasts for several seconds; bringing Edmund to his feet;
finally he is able to push away.)
Infanta: Oh! Me gusta tu labios!
Don: Your lips I like.
(Edmund feels his lips, as though they may have been sucked off.)
Infanta: Esto de tu cuerpo lo que me interese!
Don: It is the rest of your body I wish to find out more about!
(Infanta licks her lips; Edmund covers his face, then peeks through
a couple fingers for a moment before covering again)
(cut to map room; King speaks to Lord Chiswick, who again beats on the drum)
King: ???? and (?) their gizzards. (laughs)
(Messenger 1 arrives)
Messenger 1: My Lord, news...
King: What?
Messenger 1: The Spanish Infanta has arrived.
King: Ah, good news!
(Messenger 1 leaves)
King: Soon we will have Spain in our grip.
(Messenger 2 arrives)
Messenger 2: My Lord, news...
King: What?
Messenger 2: The King of France sends his greetings.
King: Ah, good news!
(Messenger 2 leaves)
King: My diplomacy triumphs.
(Messenger 3 arrives)
Messenger 3: My Lord, news...
King: What?
Messenger 3: Lord Wessex is dead.
King: (raises his arms in triumph; Messenger 3 raises his arms too)
Ah-- (lowers his arms) This news is not so good.
Messenger 3: Pardon, My Lord?
King: I like it not. Bring me some other news.
Messenger 3: Pardon, My Lord?
King: I LIKE NOT THIS NEWS! BRING ME SOME OTHER NEWS!!!
Messenger 3: Yes, My Lord!
(Messenger 3 leaves; King tosses things aroung angrily;
Messenger 4 enters -- actually just Messenger 3 pretending to be
a new messenger delivering new news.)
Messenger 4: My Lord, news...
King: What?
Messenger 4: Lord Wessex is not dead.
King: Ah, good news! (lifts his arms halfway; Messenger 4 does also)
Let there be joy and celebration; let jubilation reign!
Messenger 4: Yes, My Lord.
King: Oh yes (points at Messenger 4; Messenger 4 points at King): and tell
Osmund that, to further strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow.
Messenger 4: Yes, My Lord. (leaves)
King: (seeing that he broke one of the horse figures in his earlier rampage,
tosses it aside) Chiswick, fresh horses!
(in Edmund's room; Percy sits alone, holding his head as though in pain;
Edmund and Baldrick rush in)
Edmund: Oh my God! In twenty-four hours, I'll be married to a walrus! (locks
the door)
Baldrick: But, My Lord, you can't just lock her out, you know.
Edmund: Well, you may be right. (pulls on a rope, causing a metal gate to
shut down in the doorway; he then holds a club with several metal
spikes coming out) That should hold her for at least a minute!
Percy: Wait a moment, My Lord. I think I may have a plan to get you out of
this marriage.
Edmund: Yes, but it's a stupid plan, Percy, let's face it!
Percy: (offended) Oh, well, yes, yes, maybe you're right.
Edmund: (desperate) But... tell me what it is anyway.
Percy: Er, no, actually I don't think I'll bother, My Lord.
Edmund: Oh, please, please tell me what your plan is, please tell me, please
tell me.
Percy: (enjoying seeing Edmund grovel) All right: I go along to the Infanta's
room and tell her that you've gone mad. She comes to the door, and you
meet her disguised as a little pig. Then -- and this is the cunning
bit -- instead of saying `oink oink', you say `mooooo'!
Edmund: Then...?
Percy: Well, then she'll know you're mad, and leave!
(Edmund points up; Percy looks up; Edmund slaps Percy)
Edmund: You were right, Percy -- you shouldn't have bothered.
Baldrick: My Lord...
Edmund: What?
Baldrick: I also have a plan.
Edmund: Yes?
Baldrick: Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
Edmund: But I do, Baldrick, I do!
Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. I mean, erm, the, er, >intimate< company of men...?
Edmund: You don't mean...like the Earle of Doncaster...?
Baldrick: I mean just like the Earle of Doncaster.
Edmund: That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earle of
Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was
seventeen.
Baldrick: Mm! And who would want to marry the Earle of Doncaster?
Edmund: Well, no-one wou-- (realises) Brilliant! Of course! No-one would
marry the Earle of Doncaster! ... except, perhaps, the Duke of
Beaufort. Well, what are we going to do?
Baldrick: Well, first we've got to get you looking right. Just need to drape
something effeminate round your shoulders.
Edmund: Either of the Beaufort Twins should do.
(a little later; Edmund now has some bright green fabric draped off his
shoulders)
Baldrick: Right, perfect. Now all you need to do is practise with Percy.
Edmund: (shocked) Practise what?
Baldrick: Presentati